Invisible
by Shadows in the Light of Day
Summary: Eduard von Bock did not always believe that he was worthless. He was not always alone, and he was not always terrified of being alone. There was a time when he knew how to smile. This is the story of how he broke, of the people who made him break, and of the equally broken people who kept him from losing his mind forever. AU. Hinted EstLat.
1. Loneliness

**Hello, everyone! I'm Shadow, and welcome to my newest story, _Invisible_. As the description has probably told you, this is an AU, and therefore is unconnected to my previous fics. Updates to this, as well as to anything else I post in the next three months, will be rather irregular. I'm about to place my main fic on a three month hiatus, and this is one of the stories I'll be working on during that hiatus. **

* * *

Chapter One: Loneliness

When you are three, four, five, none of the complicated dealings of adult friendships matter. Children will take any playmate, and whatever they may really be like, you always think your friends are kind, wonderful people.

At that early stage in his life, a boy named Eduard was happy. It was easy enough to play with others on the playground, whether they played rough, running games, or built quiet castles in the sand. No one minded where he played, or if he played with the same person twice in a row or not.

Difficulties in friendships and in play come only with becoming a child of ten or eleven years old. So it was with Eduard. Moving into a new neighborhood, for a boy closer to adolescence than to childhood, was difficult in itself, without the nagging fear of loneliness that Eduard was beginning to develop.

When Eduard left his childhood friends behind, his childishness itself began to slip away.

* * *

Raivis watched from his window as the boy named Eduard ran after the neighbor boys, and wondered if Eduard was aware of his existence. He doubted it, unless Eduard, too, was watching from windows, looking in instead of out. Raivis had never seen anyone look in at him.

He had been watching from windows his entire life.

 _"It's been eight years I've lived inside now. What'd I do to get locked inside?"_

There had been many different types of children outside over the eight years Raivis had lived inside and watched the outside from his window, and he had liked some of his neighbors more than others. But he liked Eduard the most out of all those whom he had watched. Eduard did not act as the other children did, loud and brash and full of tricks. Eduard was honest and quiet and Raivis thought that, had he been allowed outside, he might have been friends with Eduard. As things were, this could never be. But he liked Eduard nonetheless.

He opened the window, just a crack, glancing furtively toward the closed door of his bedroom. If his mother were to return and catch him with the window open, he would be in deep trouble.

 _"Don't open it don't open it… I want to hear Eduard. Eduard would be my friend if he knew I existed. I'm sure of it."_

From his window, Raivis Galante listened as Eduard von Bock tried to make friends with their neighbors. He wished that Eduard would make friends with him. But Eduard did not know he existed, and so could not be his friend.

He could never have a friend. Ugly creatures that were locked inside were not allowed to have friends. He liked to imagine having friends, though, and he had been glad when Eduard moved to this neighborhood. It had only been two weeks since Eduard had come. Raivis had watched from the window as Eduard moved in next door, and he had wished even then that the blond boy with the lonely eyes would be his friend.

Eduard ran after the older boys and Raivis suppressed the urge to call out to Eduard, to tell the boy not to waste his time. Fourteen year old boys would not stop for a ten year old. They did not even see him running after them.

He covered his eyes when he saw Eduard start to trip in his haste, but even from his room, he heard the startled cry as the blond fell to the ground. Raivis peeked through the crack in his fingers, seeing Eduard sprawled on the pavement, groping for his glasses.

One of the boys turned, glancing almost nervously at the small blond, worried green eyes pitying Eduard for his clumsiness. Another laughed, not necessarily in a mean way, but in a way that, Raivis supposed, must make Eduard quite embarrassed.

"Where'd you come from, tiny nerd?"

Eduard blinked, finally located his glasses, and proceeded to adjust them onto his face. The gesture was, Raivis thought, quite cute. Not that he knew anything about 'cute'. It did seem to him, however, that if cute was what he thought it was, there were many, many things about Eduard that were cute.

"I c-came from that house."

Raivis could barely make out Eduard's words. It bothered him, not being able to hear the other boy well.

 _"Eduard is my should-be friend and I want to know how his voice sounds up close. Later, when he's gone home and I'm all alone, I'll go to imaginary-world and pretend he came to play with me inside instead of going home. Yeah. Mommy wouldn't mind it, because in imaginary-world, Mommy lo-"_

The door to his room burst open, and he covered his head with both hands, shaking. Faintly, he noticed that the clock on the wall read 4:03.

 _"I should have been more careful. I should have known Mommy would be in a bad mood. Mommy is always in a bad mood and… She's gonna see the window. Oh, no... I'm always really careful to close the window, but today Eduard went to school and I didn't get to see him as much so I just wanted to listen a little bit longer… I didn't…get to see him as much today. I wanted to see my imaginary-friend. But… Maybe I'll see him again tomorrow."_

His mother pulled him up by his hair, impersonally, and Raivis whimpered, not daring to cry because of the open window, because he knew that the older boys were just outside.

 _"Eduard is a nice quiet calm good wonderful boy like Mommy wants. Eduard would think I'm ugly if he heard me cry. Just like Mommy does."_

* * *

Eduard heard the other boy's words faintly, distantly, almost as if they were a dream.

"Well, don't run after us, nerd. You're cute and all, but you're too little and we don't have time to wait for you."

The older boys turned away, and Eduard remained, sitting on the pavement, staring after them.

 _"Don't have time for you… We don't have time for you… No one has time for you…"_

He whimpered softly, waiting to see if the older boys would look back, if they would wait for him. They did not turn around, although he thought he saw the Spanish one cast a glance over his shoulder. The Spanish boy with the green eyes had seemed almost as if he would have spoken to him, but then, with the albino's interference, that was suddenly not to be. Eduard decided that the albino boy was not a person whom he liked. The blond was an undecided party, but he had not liked the almost mocking smile he had been given.

Perhaps the Spanish boy might be a friend. Childishly, Eduard remained kneeling on the pavement, waiting.

 _"They'll turn around, right? They'll hold out their hands and say I can come with them, won't they? Please let me come. I'm lonely in the house alone. School is too loud for making friends; my only hope is to make friends in the neighborhood. So please…"_

They did not turn around. They sprinted off down the street, and he was left kneeling there on the cold concrete and wondering why he was not allowed to go with them. He could have kept up, surely he could have. He tried to force himself to stand, only to fall uselessly onto the ground again. His tiny legs had been skinned in his fall, and he whimpered, suddenly aware of his pain.

From above him, in the house he knelt in front of, he heard a child scream. He wondered if the other child was lonely, too. Maybe that child would be his friend.

He glanced up at the grim, forbidding house, and saw no child. All he saw was the front window of the house's upper story slamming shut.

* * *

Raivis shrieked as the window slammed shut on his fingers. He could not move, not without ripping his fingers off, and he stayed immobile, whimpering, waiting.

"Raivis, look at me."

He did not want to look. She would hurt him if he looked.

If he did not look, he would be hurt even more. Either option involved pain, and he must take the option that would win him the lesser agony.

He looked unwillingly up at his mother, and, as he had expected, she struck him in the face. Raivis's head snapped back in the direction of the window, and through teary violet eyes, he saw Eduard kneeling on the pavement, staring up at his house. He wondered if Eduard could see him, but dismissed such an idea as utterly preposterous. Eduard could not see him. And even if he could see, Eduard would hate him, for no one had any reason to love him. He did not legally exist in this world, his mother had told him. He was not a child, not a human. He was a toy, perhaps, or a possession.

He did not exist. And if he did exist, then it was only to serve as an outlet for his mother's anger.

He wondered why parents did these things. He wondered if Eduard's parents did those kinds of things, and, looking in Eduard's lonely, hopeful eyes, he thought that they probably did not. Eduard was allowed outside, because he was a child. Children were allowed outside, but broken, ugly things called Raivis were not.

"Raivis, listen to me."

His mother's voice was angry, menacing, and very quiet. Raivis nodded, still staring desperately out at Eduard.

 _"Are you a real child? Are real children happy? Is your life a nice one, Eduard? W-would you be my friend? Or would you think I'm ugly, too?"_

"You are not allowed to open that window ever again," his mother said. "You are not allowed to be in the front room anymore. You know where your room is. You're to stay in there from now on."

"C-can I come down to eat, Mommy?" Raivis asked.

"What did I say?" his mother asked. "You'll stay in your room, you little brat. There's a bathroom leading off of your room, so that won't be any problem. No, you won't come down for meals. You'll stay in your room, and if you're good, I'll feed you. Understand?"

"Y-yes, Mommy," Raivis said. Then, softly, he added, "Why do I have to stay inside all the time? Why aren't I allowed to go out?"

"I've told you, Raivis."

His mother's hands were cold and soft on his face, but he knew very well how cruel and hard those hands could be. He knew that she might strike him in a moment, although she was stroking his face now.

"You're not like them."

The woman's gaze drifted to Eduard, still kneeling on the pavement.

"You're not like those children. You're not a child, Raivis. You don't exist, remember? Ugly things aren't allowed to exist in this world, so you mustn't ever let anyone know you exist. Maybe when you're a grownup, you'll be beautiful."

She laughed softly.

"I doubt it, though. I doubt that something like you will ever be beautiful. Beauty… Is something you are born with. And you were not born beautiful, Raivis. You were born ugly. So you have to stay inside. Invisible. Nonexistent. That's how it is. Understand, sweetie? You can't go outside, because if you went outside, everyone else would think you were ugly too. They would punish you even more than I do. You wouldn't want any more punishment for this, for something you can't help, right?"

"R-right, Mommy," Raivis murmured. He looked down at his throbbing fingers, saw them beginning to swell up, red, and closed his eyes tight, hating what he saw when he looked down at his own small body.

 _"Every time I look in the mirror, I remember why I can't go out. Mommy says I'm ugly. I am ugly, if Mommy says I am. Mommy is…the only human being that I know. She's a real human, a real person, so what Mommy says must be true. If she says I'm ugly, then I am. Tiny little things with messed-up, too-long hair and big strange eyes must be ugly. I am ugly. So I can't go outside. Outside, they would hurt me even more than Mommy does. Mommy said that, so it must be true. Everything Mommy says is true. Everything said by real humans is true. So… I must be ugly."_

He glanced sadly down at Eduard, who was standing now, blue eyes full of loneliness that Raivis felt, but that he was sure Eduard would not feel for long.

 _"Real humans don't have to suffer like ugly things. Real humans get better. All I can do is be punished and be hated and know how ugly I am. Mommy says I'm ugly. If Eduard met me, he would think I'm ugly, too."_

* * *

 **Well, then. I'm not exactly sure what I ought to say here, except that I am not one hundred percent certain that my portrayal of eight and ten year old kids is accurate. I have siblings around that age, and I think I got close to a correct portrayal, although I'm not completely certain.**

 **A note on Raivis: I see his mother as the kind of woman who conducts all her social engagements outside her home, and who would have little problem hiding the fact that she has a child. (Her pregnancy would have been the tricky part, but she could have come up with some excuse.) The actual logistics of Raivis's literal 'nonexistence' are a bit tricky, but I am fairly certain that it is possible. The internet is not helping me to prove this theory. However, for the purpose of this story, Raivis' existence is unknown by everyone except his mother and possibly his biological father (who is not in the picture), although I find it unlikely that the father knew/knows.**

 **As for Eduard, this is his story more than Raivis' (although Raivis plays a large role), so more about him will be revealed in future chapters.**

 **I think that's about it, so, um... Yeah. This is a story. I hope you like it, but even if you hate it, leave me a review and tell me why, okay? (Or don't. I'll probably never know.)**

 **~Shadow**


	2. Friend

**Well, it took me long enough to update this... But now I am back, and I hope to update this fic weekly until WiB resumes, at which point this fic will either be complete, or be continued as a secondary project.**

 **That being said, on to the chapter!**

* * *

Chapter Two: Friend

Eduard watched, waited, wondered why it was that everyone in this neighborhood was older than him, already had friends, or wanted nothing to do with him.

The three oldest boys-Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio-were always together. There was an Italian boy, Lovino, who was Eduard's age and stayed by himself for the most part, but who appeared to have some sort of love-hate relationship with Antonio. Lovino's little brother, Feliciano, was around eight years old and quite outgoing, but he appeared to be permanently attached to Gilbert's twelve year old brother, Ludwig.

This, as far as Eduard could tell, made up the neighborhood. For a time, he tried to make friends with the others, specifically the equally isolated Lovino, but found his attempts rebuffed at every turn. Lovino seemed utterly uninterested in being on good terms with anyone, including Antonio, whom he only occasionally tolerated.

Sometimes Eduard thought he heard a child crying in the house to the left of his own. But there were no children in that house, no one at all except for a severe, rather frightening woman, whom all of the neighborhood children avoided.

The house on the right of his was empty, and it had been empty since long before his family had moved in, Feliciano had informed him at their first meeting.

Eduard took to reading as an escape from his loneliness. He had moved to the neighborhood in late summer, and he spent much of the autumn and winter indoors or at school, always carrying a book. He read more that winter than he had ever read in his life before, and he began to rely on carrying a book even in social situations, as a distraction from what seemed to be a constant loneliness. His mother seemed concerned for him, but Eduard was not concerned for himself, except for one day when it snowed and he watched the others take their sleds up to the hill behind Gilbert and Ludwig's house.

He sat at his window, his book lying forgotten next to him, and watched the others, noting that Feliciano seemed frightened of the tall hill and the quick ride down, refusing to touch a sled without Ludwig or Lovino holding his hand. He thought that Lovino might be scared, too, but that the older boy was trying very hard not to show his fear.

"Eddy!"

His mother's voice, the tone she always used when she was concerned for him. Eduard sighed, knowing full well what was coming. He glanced ruefully at his book, and then ran downstairs to his mother, who was standing at the bottom of the stairwell, looking up at him.

"Why don't you go out and play with the other kids, sweetie?" his mother asked. "They're all outside sledding."

"I don't have a sled," Eduard murmured.

 _"And they don't want or need me. They all care about each other already, so there's no reason for them to include someone like me. Apparently nerds are not socially accepted in elementary and middle school circles."_

"I'm sure they'll share with you." His mother's smile was so warm, so hopeful. "Go play with them, Ed."

He went reluctantly, wrapping a scarf round his neck, pulling on his mittens as he trundled out into the snow. For a moment, faced with a bright, sparkling wonderland, Eduard felt lighter, happier, almost hopeful.

 _"Maybe today will be the day that I won't be lonely anymore!"_

His steps quickened, small feet in black snow boots hurrying across the snow toward the hill. He stopped at the bottom, looked up, closing his eyes for a moment and enjoying the cold air on his face.

"Hey! Hey you! You standing there! Hey, are you listening? Open your eyes!"

Gilbert Beilschmidt's shouts reached Eduard a few seconds too late. The blond boy's eyes snapped open, just in time for him to see a sled hurtling toward him, with a shrieking Lovino Vargas clinging to Gilbert for dear life.

The sled knocked Eduard off his feet, and he found himself lying in the snow, fighting back tears as pain shot through his small body.

"I told you to move," Gilbert said, frowning. "If you can't listen then you should stay out of the way. Stupid tiny nerd."

After that, Eduard pretended not to hear when his mother told him to go outside and play. There was no one to play with, and the last thing he wanted was to be hit with another sled.

Gilbert's words still echoed in his mind, and he wondered if they were merely the words of an older brother, habitually annoyed by the stupidity of younger children, or the words of someone who hated him. He realized that he did not know the difference, and, in a way, the not knowing was frightening.

* * *

Finally, mercifully, spring came, and Eduard could read outside again. He sat on the front steps of his house, his head always bent over his book. He was watchful, however, and he saw how the neighborhood children passed by, pretending not to see him. Feliciano and Antonio sometimes cast him friendly, if pitying glances, but he pretended not to notice. He did not want pity. He wanted a friend who would be his friend for friendship's sake, and although Antonio sometimes stopped to talk to him, he knew that it was not because the older boy really wanted to be his friend. Antonio was friendly to everyone, and so he even stopped to talk to the tiny, pitiful boy who sat alone on the front steps.

In May, only a few weeks before the end of the school year, a moving van arrived at the house on the right of Eduard's, the house which had sat empty for so long. The moving van arrived first, and a few hours later, a car arrived. A man had driven the moving van, but it was a woman who pulled up in the car, and there was a little boy with her.

The boy had blond hair and violet eyes, and Eduard, who was eleven now, thought that the marginally chubby blond boy was one of the cutest people he had ever seen. He could not decide if this was a normal thought or not, and while he was pondering it, he looked up to find the stranger grinning at him.

There was no malice and no pity in the strange boy's gaze, merely an open, carefree friendliness.

Cautiously, Eduard put his book down and began walking across the grass toward the new neighbors' house. He half-expected Gilbert to come flying out of nowhere on a sled, but he reached the next yard with his entire body intact, and found himself facing a smiling boy.

"I'm Tino!" the stranger chirped, sticking out his hand. "It's nice to meet you, um…?""

"E-Eduard." It had been so long since he had tried to introduce himself to someone without a parent by his side that his voice shook uncontrollably, but Tino did not seem to notice, merely smiled wider.

"Do you live in that house? Okay, good. You know, some people don't live in the same house all the time, so I wanted to check. Also, if you were visiting, that would have been some rotten luck for me, huh? I meet someone on my first day here and he's only visiting. But as long as you live here, I'm glad!"

"A-are you saying you want to be my friend?" Eduard stammered.

 _"Surely not. There's no possible way that someone…would want to be my friend. Is there?"_

Tino cocked his head.

"Is that okay? I mean, if it's not okay, then it's not okay, and that's okay…"

"N-No!" The loudness of Eduard's cry seemed to startle both Tino and his mother, and the bespectacled boy felt his cheeks grow hot with embarrassment.

"No," he repeated, his voice barely audible now. "Please don't go. I want you to be my friend, if it's okay with you."

Tino grinned, violet eyes fairly beaming with excitement.

"This is really great! I thought it would be hard to make friends here, but I pretty much met someone right away! That's really great, isn't it?"

"Y-yeah," Eduard murmured. "Yeah, it is."

 _"Be glad that no one in this neighborhood was lonely when I came here, Tino. As much as I hate to admit it… If you had moved here, and I had already had a friend, I would certainly have never come over here to make friends with you. But… I think I'm glad I did. If you stay, I won't be alone anymore."_

* * *

Raivis watched from his window all through the winter and into the spring, watching Eduard whenever he could, watching the others when he could not. Eduard remained his favorite person, but he could not often observe the bespectacled boy, who was almost constantly inside during the winter months. And when Eduard was inside, the window to his room, which was directly across from Raivis', seemed to always be closed, with the curtains drawn.

Raivis' room was an unused bedroom, which, had any visitor looked inside, would have looked utterly deserted. There were boxes piled around the room, and at the center of the pile of boxes, placed in such a way that a thin, almost unseen pathway ran through them, was Raivis' bed.

It was a pile of blankets in the midst of the boxes, which looked as if it ought to have been home to some sort of pet, not to a little boy. It was here that Raivis slept, here that he was expected to stay.

He had created another pathway through the boxes, from his bed to the window, and it was at the window that he stayed whenever his mother locked him in his room. He was not supposed to leave his room at all, but his mother sometimes brought him food, and there were times, very rarely, when she left his door unlocked.

At these times, Raivis waited until she had left to do whatever it was that human beings did in the outside world. Then, quiet and unseen, he snuck out of his room into the empty house.

He had not been allowed outside of his room for a long time, but he did sneak out sometimes, although he rarely snuck downstairs. Downstairs was forbidden, and he would doubtless be forced to go a long time without food or water if he was caught downstairs. Being caught upstairs and out of his room was a comparatively minor offense, but nonetheless, he was careful not to be caught. Being caught would earn him a beating and another reminder that he was ugly, that ugly things had to be hidden.

He wondered if there were any other ugly children in the world. Perhaps there were more on his street, perhaps their mommies, too, kept them inside, where no one in the world would see them and hate their ugliness.

He did not know if there were more creatures like him, but he did know that he liked watching the people outside, especially the real children. Not being a real child himself, Raivis liked to watch them.

 _"Maybe if I watch long enough, I'll learn to be beautiful,"_ he mused, sitting at the front window, watching the house next door. Eduard was sitting outside, reading.

 _"I don't know how to do that thing. Would Mommy like me if I could read books? I don't have any books. Mommy doesn't let me have them, since books aren't things for ugly creatures. No pretty things for ugly creatures, but I can't learn to be beautiful unless I see what beautiful means, can I?"_

He sighed wistfully, watching Eduard, marveling at how quickly the other boy could scan the pages of the book, at the wideness of Eduard's eyes, the way he gasped at certain points and laughed at others.

 _"Books must be wonderful. Of course they are, if Eduard likes them. Everything Eduard likes is wonderful, isn't it? I wonder, if I was Eduard, would Mommy like me? Mommy's a little hard to understand sometimes. She acts like I could be beautiful if I tried harder, but I don't really understand how to be beautiful. I just know that if I'm good and beautiful, Mommy won't hit me anymore. But… I don't understand…"_

Raivis was nine years old, now, and he could not tell how old Eduard was. He only knew that he, Raivis Galante, was nine. And he knew that Eduard had a new friend. He was glad for Eduard, who had always seemed very lonely, and he decided that he liked Eduard's other neighbor, who was running across Eduard's yard now.

 _"Tino. He is called Tino. He is something called Finnish and I think he is probably what Mommy would think of as beautiful. Not as beautiful as Eduard though. I think Eduard is the most beautiful thing of all. But Tino, since he's allowed outside… He must be beautiful. I wonder why I wasn't born beautiful. It sure seems like lots of people are beautiful…"_

He smiled as Eduard and Tino came toward his window, along the sidewalk, probably headed for somewhere down the road. He knew that most of the children on his street went that way happily, as if there was something good in that direction, and he wanted to see what it was. He could not go outside, though, and even if he had dared to try, he would not have made it far. Even opening the window was overwhelming to him, for he had never set foot outside, rarely ever breathed fresh air and heard the birds sing.

Eduard and Tino were directly below him now, but Raivis' eyes followed Eduard alone. He noted that the blond boy's blue eyes were not as lonely or pained anymore, and he smiled, leaning his head on his hand.

 _"I'm very glad Eduard has a friend now. Since he's the most beautiful person of all, it wouldn't be fair for him to be alone. I wonder… Why is it that even beautiful people are sometimes alone?"_

He did not know, but he knew for certain that Eduard was the most beautiful person that he knew. The older boy was nearly out of sight, now, but Raivis continued to stare after him, remembering the way Eduard smiled, shy and uncertain but with such honesty. He did not think that any real humans could lie, but with Eduard, at least, he was sure. Eduard could not lie.

Eduard and Tino were gone, now, and Raivis knew that they would not return for some time. He glanced at the clock, which read 3:37. He would not have time to wait for them to come back, for his mother returned home at 4:30, and if she were to catch him out of his room, he would surely be in deep trouble.

Smiling, Raivis slipped back to his room, weaving his way through the pile of boxes until he reached his bed. There, in the pile of blankets, he found his only toy, a tattered stuffed rabbit which he had carried with him since birth. His mother had given him no other plaything, saying that he did not even deserve one. Raivis hid the rabbit whenever his mother was at home-he could not risk losing his toy if she became angry. It was better to be beaten than to watch his mother destroy his only comfort. Tattered though it was, the soft grey rabbit was something that Raivis could hold, truly hold, as his own.

He could not hold Eduard; he did not deserve to hold Eduard or Tino or anyone else. This was why his mother never held him. He did not deserve to be held, but only be hurt.

But he wanted to pretend that he could become beautiful, good enough, and so he lay down, clutching his rabbit close to him, the bruises on his small body throbbing as he sought a comfortable position. Finally, he curled up, hugging his knees to his chest, the rabbit still clutched to his chest.

Raivis closed his eyes and drifted into his imaginary-world.

 _The sun is shining. I wake up and go downstairs, and Mommy is in the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen-not shaking, I don't ever shake around Mommy in imaginary-world. Mommy smiles._

 _"Good morning, Raivis."_

 _"Good morning, Mommy," I say. I go sit at the table and Mommy comes a minute later and gives me orange juice and two chocolate chip muffins. She has some too, and we sit and eat and Mommy asks me what I want to do today._

 _"I'm going to play with Eduard and Tino."_

 _Mommy doesn't say no, Mommy doesn't tell me I'm wrong to want to go play with beautiful children, when I'm just an ugly, not-beautiful thing. Mommy smiles again. Mommy has the most beautiful smile ever._

 _"All right, Raivis," she says. "Have fun, be safe, and come home in time for lunch, okay?"_

 _"Okay!" I say, and I run out the door with my last muffin in my hand. And Mommy doesn't yell at me to come back, she just laughs and smiles at me._

 _Eduard is waiting outside for me, reading a really big book. I know how to read in imaginary-world, so I look over his shoulder and understand the words in the book. Eduard looks up and smiles at me. He closes his book, and right as he stands up, Tino comes running down the sidewalk to meet us. And all three of us go to whatever is down the road, out of sight, because in imaginary-world, going to that place is okay for me. Mommy is not mad at me; she's watching from the window and she waves as we walk by._

 _And in imaginary-world, Mommy does not shout at me, Eduard is my best friend, and I am beautiful._

* * *

 **Things Shadow is not sure how to write: scenes not involving large amounts of angst and torture, Tino, and Raivis' imaginary-world. This was an interesting chapter to write, but hopefully I did okay?**

 **The next few chapters will be structured about the way this one is, switching between Eduard and Raivis' point of view. Pretty soon, though, things will get more interesting. Thank you for reading this story so far; I really appreciate it! :)**


	3. Promise

**Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for not updating last Saturday-I had to take the ACT, and it was kind of exhausting. But I'll be updating weekly from now on, if all goes well. :)**

* * *

Chapter Three: Promise

Summer came only a few weeks after Tino's arrival, and Eduard enjoyed this summer more than any before. The summer before that one, he had still lived in a different city, a different neighborhood. He had moved just before the beginning of the school year when he was ten, and now, finally, after nearly a year of loneliness, he had a friend.

There was a deserted field behind Eduard's house, at the edge of the hill where the others had gone sledding last winter, and Eduard and Tino claimed the field for themselves. Sometimes they went to the neighborhood playground, which was a few blocks away, within walking distance, but most of the time they played in the field, away from prying eyes.

One day in the middle of summer, Eduard found himself waiting in the field long after the sun had risen, waiting for a Tino whom he was starting to fear might not come at all.

"Where is he?" he murmured, pacing up and down, his eleven year old body tense with anxiety. "I-is he not coming?"

At ten o'clock, Eduard sat down in the grass and started to cry.

 _"He left. Where did he go? Doesn't he like me anymore? What happened? Tino said he would be here, so why isn't he here? What did I do wrong?"_

"Ed…uard?"

Tino was standing in front of him, his head cocked to the side. The blond boy looked more than a bit confused, perhaps even worried.

"Are you okay?"

"Tino?" Eduard blinked. "Where did you come from?"

"My house," Tino chuckled. "It's right there, so… Oh dear."

Tino's expression changed from confusion to a mixture of guilt and worry.

"Did you think I wasn't coming?" he murmured. "Is that why you were crying?"

Eduard started to cry again, nodding through his tears.

"Y-you didn't tell me you weren't coming," he said. "I t-thought you got tired of me, that you weren't going to come back…"

"Who's gotten tired of you before?" Tino blurted. "Why would you even think that somebody would get tired of you and leave?"

"People do that," Eduard said. "I haven't talked to anyone I knew from where I used to live since I moved here. And in case you haven't noticed, you're the only person who… Who doesn't act like I'm invisible."

Tino sat down next to him, brown eyes serious. Eduard had never seen Tino like that, serious and solemn and worried. It felt wrong, and it felt like that wrong was his fault.

"Stop worrying," he muttered. "Stop looking at me like I'm pitiful."

"You're not pitiful," Tino said. "And if people act like you're invisible then that's not your fault. It's theirs. But I'm not like that. I slept late today. It happens sometimes, you know. You just…sleep late. But I'll try not to do it again. And if you're worried about me, you can always come to my house and ask, okay?"

Tino reached over, grabbed both of Eduard's hands, leaning forward and fixing the bespectacled boy in his soft, brown-eyed gaze.

"I won't leave, Ed. I'm right here. You're not invisible. You won't be invisible to me, ever. Okay?"

"Okay," Eduard whispered.

Tino smiled, and Eduard thought that that smile was the most reassuring thing he had ever seen.

"Good! You're okay now, right? So let's play! Do you want to be settlers again?"

"Settlers?" scoffed a voice from above them. "Are you two _girls_?"

Gilbert Beilschmidt came marching down the hill, arms folded in a most condescending manner.

"You two need to find a better game," he said, his voice authoritative. "Thus, I, the awesome Gilbert, shall instruct you in the methods of playing an awesome game!"

Eduard said nothing, looking down at the grass underneath him. When he glanced up, he found Gilbert staring at him.

"Is he crying?" Gilbert asked.

"Not anymore," Tino said, putting his hand on Eduard's shoulder. "And if you're not going to be nice then maybe you should go away."

Gilbert did not go away. Instead, he flopped down in the grass, his pale hair falling into his eyes.

"There's nowhere to go," he grumbled. "Antonio's gone off someplace with Lovino Vargas, and Francis went to France for a while. There's nobody left except Ludwig, and I'm sure not playing with my baby brother all summer."

"We're the same age as your brother," Tino pointed out.

"But you're _not_ my brother," Gilbert retorted.

Eduard stared at the ground, remembering the first weeks of his life in the neighborhood, those weeks when Gilbert had acted as if he did not exist, as if he was somehow unworthy. All of them had acted in that way, and he hated it even now.

He did not know if he hated _Gilbert_ or if he simply hated Gilbert's habit of ignoring people, but he did know that he wanted nothing to do with the older boy.

"You didn't want me when I was alone and needed someone," he said harshly, looking up, his eyes meeting Gilbert's. "You had no need of me then. I have no need of you now. Go away."

Gilbert looked momentarily shocked. Then, the older boy stood up, shrugging.

"Fine, be that way. Tino, a word of advice-I think Eduard's a bit unstable. What kind of an eleven year old says something like that?"

Gilbert marched back up the hill, and Eduard stared after him, blinking back tears.

"I'm not crazy," he said, his voice choked. "I'm _not_. Why do I have to be kind to him when he hurt me the moment I came here?"

"I don't think he really gets what it's like to be you," Tino said. "He has a lot of friends, you know? He's not… He's not the kind of person who understands what being alone is like. He's lived here his whole life, right? He's always had friends. He takes friendship for granted. You don't. You can't, really, can you?"

Eduard shook his head.

"It hurts," he mumbled. "It really hurts and I want him to know how it feels, looking at someone and remembering that that person abandoned you when you didn't have anyone. I w-want him to hurt, or at least to know what it feels like to be alone and hurt, but… B-but I'm not crazy!"

"I know," Tino said. "I know you're not, and actually I think Gilbert's a little crazy. It's okay. You-we-don't have to be friends with Gilbert. He'll forget us again when Antonio and Francis come back anyways. It's okay. We don't need him, right?"

"R-right," Eduard said.

Tino grinned.

"Good! Now, let's play! We don't need the 'awesome' Gilbert to have fun, do we? We have each other, and I'm not going to leave you, so it will all be okay!"

Eduard smiled weakly.

"Okay."

* * *

Eduard sat on the front steps, his nose buried in a book. It was late afternoon, but the sun was still high in the sky. It was early October, and, as school had started, and Eduard was now in middle school, he had far less time to play. Tino had still less time, as he took more time to finish his homework than Eduard did.

Eduard sighed, and, pushing his glasses up, read on. He was entranced by the story, so caught up in a fantasy world that he did not notice Tino until the other boy was in front of him, leaning over to attempt to read the front cover of the book.

"You're going to fall," Eduard said, just before Tino landed on the ground with a thump and a cry of dismay.

"You jinxed me!" Tino protested. Now almost thirteen years old, the Finnish boy was still smaller and a little chubbier than Eduard, although the distinction went unnoticed by both boys.

"You should know better than to do things like that," Eduard said, setting his book down. He stood up and held his hand out to Tino, who took it gratefully.

"I just wanted to see what you were reading!" Tino grumbled. "You never let me read over your shoulder!"

"It makes me nervous," Eduard said. "I've been laughed at for my tastes enough times that I never want to have it happen again.

"You know I wouldn't laugh at you!" Tino protested. "When have I ever done such a thing?"

Eduard eyed his cheerful friend, sighing.

"Considering that you're constantly cheerful, it's rather hard to tell when you're _not_ laughing."

"But I'm not laughing at you," Tino said. "I'm just…happy. That's allowed, isn't it?"

Eduard rolled his eyes skyward.

"I'd like to see you unhappy," he said. "I'm not sure it's possible."

"Someone has to make up for your dreariness!" Tino giggled. "But, seriously, I'd never laugh at you. Okay?"

Eduard smiled.

"I'm always saying okay to you. You should go into business as a therapist."

"Really?" Tino asked. "Can I?"

"We're twelve," Eduard grumbled. "Stop making that hopeful face; they don't give college degrees to twelve year olds."

"Oh," Tino said. "Well, I can practice, right? I'll always be able to practice on you."

"Always?" Eduard asked.

"Of course," Tino said. "Because I'm not ever going to leave you. I promised. So I won't ever leave. I'll make sure you're never alone again. Just like I promised you."

* * *

Raivis wondered why the color red was so warm. He did not think that warmth was supposed to hurt, but red was a warm color, and red hurt when it was on him.

His mother scolded him when he got red on him, told him that he shouldn't 'bleed'. He did not mean to bleed, if 'bleed' was what it was called when the color red was on his body. He did not put the color there. Sometimes his mother did; sometimes he was clumsy. Most of the time he was clumsy. His mother left purple and black and blue on him, but rarely red. Red was preserved for special occasions, when he had been particularly imperfect and deserved to have the hurting warm color on him as punishment.

He deserved to bleed, apparently, on his birthday. Every year on his birthday, there was red all over. He wondered why this was, wondered why it was a crime that he had a birthday. He had not asked for his birthday to exist; he was not even sure what the significance of the day was. He knew only that he always ended up hurting that day, and that on that day he got a new age number.

He was ten years old today, November eighteenth. That much he knew, for he had glimpsed the calendar in the front room a few days previous, and had seen how close it was to his birthday. He had known what was coming, counted the days, and he knew that today, he was ten.

His mother did not like it when he became a different age; she was shouting at him now, threatening him with what might happen if he did not come out of his maze of boxes. He dared not disobey her; she wanted him, and so he must go.

He crawled out from between the boxes, to see his mother standing in the hallway. He could not remember the last time he had seen her so angry, but she was always angry on birthdays, always wanting to hurt him and make him bleed.

"H-hello, Mommy," he whispered, and she slapped him.

"Don't 'hello' me, Raivis," she snapped. "You know what day it is, don't you?"

"Yes, Mommy." Raivis' eyes filled with tears, tears that he tried desperately to hold back so that his mother would not see his weakness.

He could not bite back the tears, and so he reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, wiping away a few tears with the fabric as he pulled it off.

His mother smiled.

"Good boy, Raivis," she murmured. "You know what to do, don't you?"

Raivis started to cry, sinking to his knees and hugging his mother's leg, whimpering.

"M-Mommy, please…"

"Get off!" the woman kicked him away, and he landed against the wall, the bruises on his tiny body throbbing with pain.

"I don't want to," he said. "I don't want to get h-hurt… Please, Mommy…"

She knelt in front of him, and, reaching out her hand, pinned him to the wall in a seemingly effortless gesture. He was too small to fight her, too small to even pass as his own true age. Desperately, he grabbed at his mother's hand, tiny fingers reaching for cruel hands that had only ever brought him pain.

His mother pulled out a knife, and Raivis no longer saw any point in begging. Every year he tried to beg; every year she hurt him anyways. There was nothing but pain for him, nothing but suffering that he did not want.

Raivis turned his head away, closed his eyes to try to stop the tears, which still fell despite his efforts.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," he whispered. "I'm sorry I'm not good enough. I t-tried but I don't know how…"

"Try harder," she whispered, her voice like ice. She shifted her hand to his shoulder; he shut his eyes more tightly, anticipating the sharp agony of the knife slicing into his stomach. Raivis' sobs cut through the air, and still he kept his eyes shut. He had watched this process before, when he was younger, and he never wanted to see it again.

 _"I hate the color red. The color red hurts me so much…"_

A particularly deep, rough slice caused Raivis to shriek in pain, and his eyes snapped open for a few seconds, long enough for him to see the coldness in his mother's eyes and know that she was enjoying this, that she did not care for him at all, but only cared to see him in pain.

This was the only day of the year that he could admit to this. When the scars started to heal, he would convince himself again that his mother only meant to help him.

When the pain finally disappeared, Raivis remained still against the wall, half-expecting the cutting to start again. He only half-noticed when his mother lifted him from the ground, but for a moment, he leaned into her, smiling softly.

 _"The only time she'll ever hold me is on the day when she most hates me."_

When his mother's warmth disappeared, Raivis did not open his eyes, trying to focus on the memory of being held by his mother, trying to remember what it felt like. He would have liked to have translated the memory into his imaginary-world, but his chest hurt a great deal, and he could not overcome that pain.

He assumed that he was in his room, on the pile of blankets stained by red from past years. Foggily, Raivis wondered what word his mother had written on him this time. He could not read the words, but he was sure that they were all ugly.


	4. Left Behind

**Hey, guys! So, NaNoWriMo has officially started, and I'm working on this fic as my main project. Taking this into consideration, I'll be updating "Invisible" biweekly until January. If it is not completed before then, "Written in Blood"'s weekly update will replace one of its update slots. But until then, I'll be attempting to update this fic every Monday and Friday afternoon. That being said, I hope you enjoy this chapter of "Invisible"!**

* * *

Chapter Four: Left Behind

Time passed pleasantly for a while, and Eduard began to forget his earlier, lonely days. It was hard to be unhappy with Tino around, for the blond boy was always laughing, smiling, unless it was an appropriate time to be serious, in which case he immediately became gentle and concerned.

Eduard cherished Tino's friendship, and he began to feel that he would be safe with Tino, safe as long as he did not stray from his best friend's side.

And then, just when Eduard felt safe, Tino came to him, on a sunny day in April, and told him something that he had never dreamed of hearing from his best friend.

He knew the moment that Tino sank down on the grass next to him that something was wrong. Tino never acted this way, silent, sullen, unsmiling. Although they were both teenagers now, Tino was as cheerful as ever, hormones somehow not affecting him.

"We've got to move," he muttered, kicking angrily at a budding dandelion. "And it's not fair. I can't keep my promise if we don't stay."

Eduard turned to stare at his friend, utterly speechless, unable to think of anything else to say.

"You… You c-can't go."

"That's what I told them," Tino said, nodding fatalistically at his house. "But they wouldn't listen, Ed. Said I'd have to come back and visit, but Dad's got a new job and we need to be closer to his workplace. This'll send us all the way across town. I… I won't be able to come here every day, maybe not even every week, and I said I'd never leave but we won't even be in the same _school_ anymore, and… A-and… E-Ed, I'm sorry…"

"Tino," Eduard whispered. He had never seen his best friend cry before, but there Tino was, sitting in the grass with plump tears running down his face, his sobs quiet, desperate, almost unbelievably childish.

Eduard felt a strange, stubborn resolve well up within him, a sort of resignation to the knowledge that Tino could not help leaving, but that he, Eduard, could help Tino. He could, perhaps, relieve any guilt his friend might feel, and this with only a few words. A part of him wanted to be angry with Tino, but a larger part knew that Tino could not control his parents' actions, and that Tino needed to be comforted now. After all, Eduard knew, even one who could comfort others easily could not be his own comforter when his own pain and guilt haunted him.

"Tino."

The blond boy looked up, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"It's not your fault," Eduard said. "And you are not abandoning me. You're not breaking any promises, okay?"

"I'm n-not?" Tino asked, staring at Eduard in evident disbelief.

"No," Eduard said. "You are keeping the promise still. Look, that promise you made-it doesn't break just because you move away. It breaks if you _leave,_ Tino, if you walk away and never speak to me again. As long as we're still friends, you're not breaking that promise that you made so generously on that day. You've been a good friend to me all this time, and I won't ever hate you for circumstances beyond your control, understand? So go on. Move to a new place. Make new friends. J-just… Don't forget about me, okay?"

To Eduard's shock, Tino started sobbing aloud, and latched onto him as if he never planned to let go.

"Ed! You're the best friend ever and I promise I'll never forget about you and… Waaaah!"

Eduard sighed, stroking Tino's hair in what he fervently hoped was a calming gesture.

"You're not moving to Europe or anything," he grumbled. "You're moving to the other side of town, you goose. Also, this is a small town. We have one high school here, which means…"

He trailed off, waiting for Tino to catch the meaning of his words. The blond boy blinked at him for a few moments, and then, suddenly, a huge smile spread across his face.

"We're almost finished with seventh grade now, which means that in less than two years we'll be in high school together!"

"Exactly," Eduard said. "See, it won't be that bad. You can come visit me on weekends, anyways, and I'll call you as often as you want, all right?"

"Okay!" Tino said, smiling. "And I promise to keep my promise, Ed, always!"

* * *

Eduard kept himself from breaking down for the remaining weeks of school, up until the end of May. Tino's parents had elected to keep their son in the same school for the remainder of the school year, and so Tino practically lived at Eduard's house for the last few weeks of May, as his parents were settling into their new house on the other side of town.

On the last day of school, Tino's parents came to pick him up from Eduard's house, ready for him to move into their new house with them. Tino's parents assured Eduard that Tino would be allowed to visit often, but both boys knew it would not the same, although they both smiled and did not allow themselves to cry or beg for the adults to reconsider.

When they said goodbye, when Tino climbed into his parents' car only to slip his hand into Eduard's and whisper, "I'll be back", Eduard came to the realization that his friend was leaving, really leaving, that all these weeks of Tino disappearing on the weekend and sleeping over on weekdays had been a prelude to something far worse.

He hugged Tino tightly, bit back the tears, and then withdrew to stand next to his parents. Tino waved at him from the back of his parents' car, and Eduard waved back. He had intended to remain motionless, but as Tino's car rolled down the street, Eduard darted forward, to the edge of his driveway, staring after the now-distant car. Tino's form was indistinguishable from such a distance, no matter how hard Eduard strained to catch a last glimpse of his best friend.

When he realized that Tino was not coming back, not to stay, that the house to the right of his had been sold, that there was no hope of things going back to the way they were before, he still stayed staring after Tino's car, half-expecting his friend to come bounding up behind him and wake him from this dream.

That night, he cried himself to sleep. Even Tino's assertions that he would return, that he would keep his promise, could not keep Eduard from the knowledge that things had changed. He knew all too well that, when he had moved to this neighborhood at the age of ten, not a single one of his friends from his former home had bothered to keep in touch with him after the first few months. And although he did not want to believe Tino capable of such cruelty, his mind told him that such things would surely come to pass.

* * *

Tino came to Eduard's house often during the summer, and there were times when Eduard forgot that his friend had moved away, that things were different now. When Tino was there with him, the doubt and pain seemed to fade, replaced by the companionship that only a best friend could bring.

When the school year started, though, things were much different. Tino, who still did not finish his homework quite on time, was not there as much, and Eduard grew lonely again, took to watching people from the windows, or sitting on the front step with his book, still watching, always lonely.

He had known that this would happen, had known that he would not be able to see or speak to Tino as much as he had before, but he had not realized how much the loneliness would hurt him. Eduard liked being left to himself sometimes, but not having Tino there when he needed him was a most painful burden to bear.

An elderly couple had moved into Tino's old house, and so Eduard's only hope of making a new friend had quickly been snuffed out. Tino still called him, though, whenever he had finished his homework, came over almost every weekend, and for that, Eduard was grateful.

"There are some pretty friendly people here," Tino said one night, as Eduard sat at his window with the phone cupped to his ears, gazing out on the field behind his house. The sun was going down.

"Is that so?" he hummed, attempting to quell the jealousy that rose up within him at the knowledge that Tino, evidently, had made new friends, while he had not.

"Yeah!" Eduard could almost imagine Tino's wide-eyed, innocent grin, and he wondered if his friend would turn serious if he asked him to. He did not ask, for he did not want to spoil Tino's happiness, not when the Finnish boy seemed to finally be forgiving himself for moving away, and somehow breaking part of the promise in the process.

"I mean, there's Berwald and Lukas and Mathias, and Lukas' little brother, Eirikur, and… Yeah, I think you'd really like them. Well… Berwald is kind of weird… Come to think of it, they're all really weird, but I think they're a good kind of weird, the kind you'd like, you know?"

"I'll have to meet them sometime, then," Eduard said. "Maybe I can come over…"

"Well, I kind of like coming to your house better," Tino said hurriedly-perhaps too hurriedly, Eduard thought. "But maybe sometime it would be okay."

"Whenever it's convenient for you," Eduard murmured, fighting back the sense of unease that threatened his mind.

 _"He's not… Embarrassed? What would he have to be embarrassed about?"_

He tried to ignore the nagging unease, but when Tino finally hung up, his mind threatened to overwhelm him, buzzing with painful questions and piercing doubt.

 _"Tino made friends, so why can't I? What makes me so unlikeable to others? It sounds as if a pre-formed group accepted Tino, so why can't the same be the case for me? And why would Tino seem so reluctant to let me meet his new friends? Am I embarrassing? Or… Is he… Is he just forgetting about me?"_

His mind told him that he was inferior to Tino, that he was not wanted like Tino was, and that this was why he was not accepted into groups the way Tino was. He was not like Tino, did not possess that easy smile and innate happiness.

His mind told him that he did not have any endearing qualities, and this was why Tino could make friends when he could not.

Eduard had never felt his mind talk to him in this way before, never had any part of him tell itself such cruel things. But he felt it now, and it hurt and terrified him. For if his own mind spoke such things, and spoke them so clearly, then they must be true.

He did not cry often, had not cried hard since the day Tino left. But that night, with the monster in his head telling him things he had never thought his own mind could tell him, Eduard cried again.

Neither of his parents heard him. Eduard's mind told him that his parents did not care about him, either.

* * *

Time passed, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, and soon Eduard found himself sitting on the front steps, a place where he had often been found in the past. But this time, when he closed his book, there was no beaming Tino in front of him, and his body was no longer that of a child, but that of a young man.

A fifteen year old Eduard was much different from even the thirteen year old Eduard; older and more reserved and quite probably less emotionally secure.

The voice in his mind rarely spoke to him as time passed, and he had not heard much from that inner, pained voice for a long time. He still remembered its words from almost a year ago, from the first time it had spoken clearly to him, and it sent shivers of doubt through his body now.

He had not spoken to Tino in a very long time. They did talk occasionally, but it had been weeks since their last talk, and even longer since Tino's last visit. Eduard missed his friend, but he also felt slightly angry with Tino, although he never allowed himself to show it.

Tino had, in a way, broken the promise. For although he had not abandoned Eduard entirely, he had not been there when the bespectacled boy had most needed him. Eduard hated that, the knowledge that his best friend did not need him as much as he needed Tino.

But high school was to start in one week's time, and Eduard both looked forward to and dreaded the prospect. There was only one high school in the small town where he had lived for the past five years, and he, an isolated child, would surely feel quite out of place in such a large and bustling school.

On the other hand, he would be able to attend school with Tino once again, and that was something that made him feel excited, even hopeful, although he did not quite dare to admit to his hopes, for fear that they would be dashed the moment he saw Tino again.

And yet, he let that hope blossom inside him, and a small smile began to play across chapped lips which had not known true happiness in a long time.

 _"Perhaps if I see him again, if we're in the same school building and in the same classes, Tino will remember his promise. I don't want him to be bound to me by promise alone, but if that is what it takes, then I hope he'll come back, if only for the sake of the promise he made to me."_


	5. High School

Chapter Five: High School

Eduard decided that he did not like high school the moment he laid eyes on the monstrous building. He had never attended a school that big, and, judging from the amount of people swarming into the building, it was likely to be quite an overwhelming experience.

"May I please be homeschooled?" he asked, turning politely to his mother, who laughed.

"Oh, Ed, it's not the end of the world. Tino will be there, remember? I'm sure you'll have fun. Make some new friends, all right?"

Eduard sighed.

 _"This woman is responsible for my existence in this world. One would think she would have noticed my inability to make friends."_

Nonetheless, he murmured a quiet "Yes, Mom," and turned away. His mother would not help him in this situation. He would have to face the terrors of a large building full of other teenagers alone.

No one spoke to him as he walked toward the high school, and he did not speak to anyone, keeping his head down. He refused to look up, refused to even try to make eye contact with anyone. He knew from experience that other teenagers would only shove him away, and he was not about to attempt adjusting his opinion of other human beings simply for their benefit. He was used to the loneliness by now, used to being alone for eight hours, only to go home and lose himself in a book. High school would be no different from middle school in terms of routine.

The high school was, however, bigger and lonelier than any school he had been in before. Eduard hated the sensation of feeling alone in the middle of a crowd. He felt that hateful sensation now, and he bent his head lower, as if it might chase away the lonely feeling.

And then, over the top of his glasses, he saw flashes of blond hair, and he remembered why he had come. He had come to find Tino, to see Tino again. To be friends again. For such a purpose, he had come, and he must find Tino now.

He lifted his head, cold blue eyes sharpening as he searched the crowd. There were many blond heads in this place, but Eduard knew he would recognize Tino. And so he kept searching for a slightly chubby blond boy whose friendly violet eyes were always sparkling.

He searched through his first two classes, going to class but barely noticing what it was he was expected to do in those classes. He took notes, granted, but his mind was focused on one thing, and that thing was Tino.

Then, finally, he entered his third class. He would forever remember which class was his third period in his freshman year, although perhaps that was the only class he would remember from his high school days. For there in Algebra 1, chatting animatedly with a very tall blond boy, was Tino.

Eduard froze in the doorway, his mind racing. Now that he had seen Tino, he was not quite sure how to approach his old friend. He had not seen or talked to Tino in some time, and to simply appear and expect things to be as they had been? Impossible. Tino would not want him. It was just as his mind had told him. Tino would never want-

Someone elbowed Eduard out of the way, and he went sprawling on top of a desk, which was fortunately empty. Tino and the tall blond both glanced up, and Eduard saw Tino's eyes widen. Attempting to disentangle himself from the desk he had fallen against, Eduard struggled to make out the emotion in Tino's eyes.

 _"Shock? Surprise? Fear…? No, he's not afraid, not of me. How could he be? He's Tino, he's my best friend, he…"_

"Hey, Ed!" Tino chirped, as Eduard finally managed to get free of the desk. There was a sort of forced lightness in the blond boy's voice, but Eduard tried to shrug it off, told himself that Tino was simply tired, his nervousness heightened by the first day in a new school.

"Hello," he murmured. Tino hesitated for a moment, and then quickly gestured to the seat to his right, which, considering the tall blond sitting to Tino's left, seemed to Eduard a relatively safe place to sit.

"Come sit down!" Tino said.

Eduard complied, wondering if Tino's frantic manner was his imagination or not. He hoped it was his imagination. If it was not his imagination, then...

 _"Then what? Then he hates me? He doesn't. He is Tino, and he is my best friend…"_

He sat down next to Tino, glancing warily at the taller blond boy, Tino's friend. The other blond had short hair, more ragged then Eduard and Tino's, and glasses. (Eduard thought that they resembled each other slightly.) The stranger also had not spoken since Eduard had entered the room.

"Oh!" Tino said suddenly, turning to Eduard. "You've never met Berwald, have you? Ed, this is Berwald! Berwald, this is Eduard. You remember him, right? I told you about him."

The tall blond-Berwald-nodded in agreement. He said nothing to Eduard, but the bespectacled boy felt that Berwald was scrutinizing him from behind his glasses.

"He doesn't talk much," Tino said uneasily. "When he first meets people, I mean. He talks to me some, when he wants to."

Eduard opened his mouth to reply, or perhaps to say how much he had missed Tino. But then the teacher walked to the front of the room, and Eduard had no time to speak to Tino anymore. He was able to focus a bit better this class period, but he kept sneaking glances at Tino and at Berwald, wondering if Tino had not been happier before he had entered the room.

When their Algebra class was dismissed, Eduard followed Tino and Berwald out of the classroom, silent but hopeful. He knew they had lunch next, and he thought that perhaps, if he were lucky, Tino might invite him to sit with his group of friends, whoever they were.

As they neared the cafeteria, Tino turned to him. His voice, when he spoke, was hesitant, uncertain, but still friendly enough that Eduard was able to attempt to convince himself that nothing was amiss.

"You… You'll be wanting to sit with us, I suppose?" Tino asked.

"If it's all right," Eduard whispered.

 _"If he says no, then I will know. I will know that he hates me and… What will I do then?"_

"Of course it's all right!" Tino said, and again, Eduard thought that his friend's cheerfulness seemed oddly forced. "It's always all right! Come along then; you can meet Lukas and Mathias! They should be waiting for us!"

Eduard followed Tino and Berwald across the busy cafeteria, a faint smile hovering on his lips.

 _"He said I could come. Voluntarily, he said it! He doesn't hate me! He's never hated me at all. He's just been busy getting ready for school. Tino always did panic about silly things…"_

Ahead of them, Eduard saw a wild-haired boy standing up on a table, waving enthusiastically. Another boy seemed to be attempting to pull him off the table, his expression betraying his annoyance with the other.

"That's Mathias on the table," Tino said. "And Lukas trying to make him calm down-it never works. You'll like them, Ed-they're nice. Lukas and Ber don't talk much, but you get used to it. Mathias makes up for both of them."

Mathias did indeed make up for the two more silent members of Tino's group, and, indeed, made up for most of the silent people in the cafeteria. The wild-haired boy had no sooner laid eyes on Eduard than he was bounding off the table, shouting.

"Hey! You're new! Who're you? Do I know you, or did Tino and Ber just pick you up?"

"I-I'm Eduard," the bespectacled boy murmured, resisting the urge to pull his hand away from Mathias, who was shaking it quite enthusiastically.

"He was my friend back where I used to live," Tino contributed. "Remember? I told you all about him, didn't I?"

 _"Was your friend,"_ Eduard's mind whispered. _"Was. Past tense. If he were still your friend, he would have said 'is'. That's a word in the present tense. You're smart, Eduard. You know what past tense means."_

Eduard resisted the urge to grab at his hair, to shake his head, to find some way to banish his doubtful mind's words. He could not find a silent, unnoticed way to make his mind shut up, and perhaps that was exactly what his mind wanted.

 _"Tino is still my friend,"_ he told his mind firmly. _"He made a promise to me, to be my friend no matter what. Tino doesn't break his promises. I'm going to be okay. You'll see! I'll be okay…"_

* * *

Tino and his friends apparently all lived on the same street, or in the same neighborhood, for they all rode the bus home together. Eduard waited alone on the front steps of the high school, remembering the day's events.

He had tagged along with Tino and his friends for the greater part of the day, and had discovered that he had almost all his classes with at least one member of the group. After their initial introduction, everyone but Tino had lost interest in him, going back to their own conversations. Tino had only occasionally remembered his presence, and made an effort to include him.

And so Eduard's mind continued to whisper doubtful things to him, continued to say that Tino and all the rest did not care about or love him. His mind told him that he was worthless, useless, unloved.

Eduard clenched his fists, resisting the urge to slap himself across the face. _That_ would make his mind shut up. But it would also attract unwanted attention, and he could not have that.

 _"They_ will _be my friends,"_ he thought as he stood there, in front of a tall and forbidding high school building, waiting for his mother to pull up. _"I just have to prove myself to them. I can do that! I may not be a very interesting person, but I'm smart! I'll prove myself to them somehow, and then they'll be my friends. Somehow, some way, even if they hate me at first, I'll find a way to make them love me! I'll become part of the group, and maybe then Tino will be my best friend again. Maybe then… Maybe when I finally have a group of friends to belong to… Maybe this lonely feeling will finally disappear."_

* * *

Raivis' mother had left the door unlocked again. Raivis sometimes wondered if she did it deliberately, trying to see if he would sneak out and allow himself to be caught in his disobedience. He was getting better at not getting caught, although this was only because he knew exactly when he had to be in his room. On most days, if he was back in his room by 3:45 p.m., no one would catch him out. And he had to get out sometimes. He was thirteen years old, after all, and being thirteen made imaginary-world much more complicated.

Raivis was starting to grow up; he was reminded of this whenever he looked in the mirror. He still saw an ugly creature, unfit for the outside world, but he also saw that that creature was older than it had been, that this creature's fluffy hair was no longer quite so childishly soft, its features no longer so round.

He also saw that his reflection was bruised, scarred, and exhausted, and wondered if he had always looked like that. Perhaps that was why his mother did not love him. But that made no sense, for his mother had put the bruises and scars on his body.

 _"Do beautiful children have scars?"_

He leaned his forehead against the window, watching the road, waiting for a familiar, pale blue car to pull up the street. He knew Eduard would come, and he waited faithfully for his imaginary-friend whenever he had the chance.

 _"Imaginary-world is getting so hard to hold onto. My mind wants to sort out things that aren't true, like how Mommy will never love me no matter what. My mind wants to shatter imaginary-world, and I can't let it do such a thing. I've got to hold on to it… But if I'm going to hold on, I have to see Eduard. Eduard always looks so lonely these days… I've got to make him smile, even if his smile is only part of imaginary-world. If he can smile in imaginary-world, then surely some warmth must reach him in the real world! He must be a little happy, if I can only make him smile."_

And so he waited until that pale blue car pulled up, noted with some satisfaction that when Eduard got out of the car, there was a spring in his step, a small smile hovering on his face. Raivis had never seen Eduard so proud, never seen the older boy hold his head so high. Raivis held on to Eduard's happiness and pride, and when Eduard went inside, closing the door behind him, Raivis closed his eyes and concentrated on Eduard's beautiful, soft smile, letting its warmth fill his tiny body. Then he imagined that soft smile directed at him, and he thought his body might burst with warmth.

 _"In imaginary-world, Eduard smiles so softly and beautifully only for me."_

* * *

 **I really have nothing to say here. So... Um... Yeah. Review please? Feedback is always appreciated, and I always reply to reviews! (Although I'm quite late about it sometimes... Heheh...)**


	6. Determination and Despair

**Hey, guys! Sorry for not updating Friday-I was at the zoo with a bunch of tiny children. So much for regular updates. xD But here is chapter six!**

* * *

Chapter Six: Determination and Despair

Eduard followed Tino and the others like a shadow, and it was a shadow that he truly became. They talked to him sometimes-Lukas in English and Mathias in gym and, rarely, Tino and Berwald in Algebra 1. And at lunch, they all talked to each other, but Eduard found it quite hard to get involved in the conversation. The others were always planning to get together after school, but they never asked Eduard to go with them.

He asked Tino once, timidly, if it might perhaps be okay for him to go along with them. He would never forget how hesitant and reluctant the Finnish boy had sounded when he asked.

"Well… I… I suppose… I'll have to talk to the others, okay, Ed? We've been doing all this stuff together for a while now-us and Lukas's little brother, Eirikur. I'm not really sure if the others would be okay with you tagging along. I mean, they don't dislike you. Of course they don't. But they're not used to you, you know? It'll take them a bit to warm up-Lukas and Berwald especially. But they'll warm up, and then you can come with us. Just…just not this time, okay, Eduard? I'm sorry. But it's not really my call. They've all known each other since they were tiny and…and…I don't like to just go barging in making decisions without them."

Watching the others, Eduard started to see what Tino meant. There was a certain familiarity between all the boys, but Tino was clearly closest to Berwald, and Berwald, despite his distant, rather disturbing manner, seemed to be on fairly decent terms with both Lukas and Mathias. Tino seemed to be familiar enough with the other two, but it was clear that he had known Berwald longest, that he understood Berwald. Lukas and Mathias were closer, and Eduard… Eduard felt as if he were quite the fifth wheel in this little group. It felt wrong.

 _"I remember when Tino was my best friend. I remember when he said that he would stay with me forever. He promised to stay, and… And now…I don't think he needs me anymore. He has Berwald and the others now. Would he really break his promise just because he didn't need me? Would he? I thought he was better than that, but…I…I may have been wrong."_

He tried to do things for the others, running back to classrooms to get forgotten items, sharing notes when the others forgot theirs. Partnering up with them when they needed a partner. But in Algebra 1, invariably, when partners were needed, Tino would choose Berwald.

* * *

Time and time again, Eduard tried to prove himself to the others. But, in the end, he realized, he had no idea how to penetrate the walls of their group. The other boys were close, had been in school together all their lives (with the exception of Tino), and they did not need him, a quiet boy with lonely eyes.

They never let him come with them to anything. And when Tino's birthday came, Eduard, reading a book before third period started, overheard Tino whispering plans for a party at his house. Tino never invited him. Tino had not invited him to a birthday party since he had moved away.

Looking back, Eduard was starting to feel that he had been the one who had kept up their friendship, that Tino had not cared once he had moved away. Well, perhaps Tino had cared. Perhaps Tino still _did_ care. But Tino had not called him, had not invited him over, and if he had, Eduard had made far more of an effort than the other boy had. Eduard had tried calling, texting, and inviting for years, and Tino rarely ever returned his calls, much less voluntarily made calls himself. This had been the case even before high school, but now, seeing Tino with Berwald, Mathias, and Lukas, Eduard was starting to see why.

They were socially adept. Granted, Berwald and Lukas were shy and cold in public; Mathias was loud and wild. But they could hold a conversation if they had to, could make friends if the situation required it, and Eduard was sure that they would never have told another person the things he had told Gilbert Beilschmidt all those years ago. They would never be so uncaring. Although they might forget his existence, they would never do what he had done, and blame another for things that that person was not technically to blame for.

Seeing this, he began to fear that he had driven his best friend away.

 _"Was I too needy? Too cold? What was it? What made him leave? Maybe he never meant to promise. Maybe he just did it because…because he had no one else. But… No. Tino meant that promise when he made it, but now… Now, I think, I'm worthless to him. Too needy, maybe. Too clingy and shy and… Am I crazy? Was Gilbert right? Am I crazy? Did Tino realize it? Is that why he doesn't like me anymore?"_

After the thought that he might really be insane crossed his mind, Eduard started seeing things he had not seen before. Or, perhaps, he had been seeing such things all along, but was reading into them far more now than he ever had before. He saw the way the others looked at him, and he thought that they were frightened or disgusted, or simply did not want him there.

He started to believe the whispers in his mind that cried 'insane, insane'; the whispers that told him that no one would ever love him. And as he began to believe those whispers, he watched his last childhood friend slip away from him. Tino was still friendly toward him, but then, he was friendly to everyone, and his friendliness to Eduard was no greater than the kindness he extended to random strangers in the hallway. And Eduard, pained and half disbelieving, began to believe that Tino no longer thought of him as a friend.

* * *

He started living as if in a dream, going through the motions, but no longer attempting to prove himself to the others. He believed that he was not worthy of their friendship, of their love, and he no longer offered to do things for them. He was beginning to slip away.

His idealism was shattering into infinitesimal pieces. An already broken dream was fragmenting into tiny slivers, as he realized that none of the others noticed or cared. He was withdrawing from them, becoming silent, and still they did not notice. Mathias joked in the halls, and did not notice when Eduard, who had once laughed politely at him, no longer even cracked a smile. Berwald and Lukas, always quiet and, in Lukas's case, quite aloof, had barely taken notice of him to begin with, and they said nothing about his silence. He could take that, for he barely knew these three boys.

It was Tino that hurt him. Tino, slipping away with Berwald or Mathias or Lukas, when he had once promised to be Eduard's best friend forever. Tino, laughing with Berwald in Algebra 1 class and never even noticing when Eduard turned his face away, when tears spilled onto whatever book he was reading.

Tino, not noticing. Tino, laughing and smiling and living, while Eduard faded away into the corridors of his mind. Tino did not notice the way Eduard kept his gaze on the floor, the face that he would not look at anyone in the eye anymore.

He no longer raised his hand in class. What did it matter? What did any of it matter? He was slipping away, hiding inside his mind, and the boy who had sworn to be his best friend forever did not even notice. Tino was too busy with his other friends, too busy living a life that did not include a shy, clingy nerd whom no one would ever love.

But Eduard still clung onto the last vestige of happiness he had, the last remnants of his friendship with Tino. He began dreaming of the day when Tino would turn to him with tears running down his face, the day Tino would apologize for leaving him alone, the day everything would go back to the way it had been before, when they were two kids living their lives as happily as they could.

He would have given anything to go back to those days. He would have given anything to have Tino back. But, of course, this was not to be. His mind told him so. His mind told him that Tino would never love him. And Eduard, watching Tino's every move, yet seeing his own pain go unnoticed, realized that it was true.

He had lost his best friend. And still he clung onto the memory of their friendship, although he now knew that Tino would never love him again, and, perhaps, had never loved him even in the beginning.

* * *

Raivis watched the spring in Eduard's step disappear, watched the sadness overtake his friend, and hated it with all of his might. He knew that this happened to people; he had seen it from his window. But Eduard, the most beautiful person in the world, could not have this happen to him. Eduard was the most beautiful, sweet person Raivis knew of, and he more than anyone else deserved to be happy.

Yet Raivis watched from his window, and saw not happiness in Eduard, but deep sadness that he did not understand. Surely a world full of beautiful people would not cause pain to its inhabitants? And yet Eduard seemed so sad…

Some days, there was hope in the blond, bespectacled boy's eyes. But today, after Eduard's mother went inside, Eduard remained outside, alone, on the front steps of his house. Raivis could see sadness in Eduard's body, agony in the way he laid his head in his hands, tired and hopeless. Raivis wanted to run from his house, make himself known to Eduard. He wanted only to say that Eduard was the most beautiful person in the world, and that he should never, never be sad, because beautiful people did not deserve to be sad. The only ones who deserved sadness were the monsters, and he, a thirteen year old monster, was accepting of his own sadness, but never of Eduard's.

 _"I want to take all his sadness away, even if it means that I'll be sad instead. It's okay for me to be a little sadder, right? Yes, I'm sure it is. I can be sad as much as possible, all the time, if Eduard can only be happy. I wish Eduard would always be happy. I wish I could take Eduard's sadness all away."_

As he wished and dreamed of Eduard's happiness, he looked out the window, and saw that Eduard was crying as he sat on the front steps of the house next door. Raivis had seen Eduard sad before, but never had he seen the blond boy cry, and it scared him.

"Eddy, no," he whispered, pressing tiny, scarred palms to the glass of the window. "Don't cry. You're beautiful and you shouldn't cry…"

Eduard did not hear him. Eduard would never hear him, and that was just as well, really.

 _"If he heard me, he would hate me. He would be sickened by a monster and he would throw me up against the wall and beat me like Mommy does. And I don't want him to do that. I want to believe that Eddy will love me someday."_

"I wish you would love me, Eddy," he said quietly. "I wish I could take all your hurting away."

"What a lovely sentiment, Raivis."

He froze, hands still pressed to the glass, staring down at beautiful hurting Eduard as if he would never see him again.

"Mommy," he said. "I don't want to be inside anymore. I want to go see Eduard. I want to make his crying go away, a-and…"

"I notice you don't care to make _my_ crying go away," his mother said coldly.

Raivis turned to her, saw a small woman who was still far taller than he, saw the woman who had hit him for so long, and wondered if it was truly right that he did not really think he had deserved it. In the past few years, that sentiment had begun to creep into his mind. He did not believe that even the ugliest monster deserved what his mother had done to him. But he did not let this belief overwhelm him, for he knew deep inside that his belief was wrong, and that his mother's words were right. He was truly a monster; he truly deserved his suffering. But a small voice inside told him that he did not deserve his pain, and that small voice made him begin to hate his mother for what she had done.

"You never cry, Mommy," he whispered. "You only shout or coax. There is never any crying. I don't think you're really very sad, Mommy. I'm sorry I'm not b-beautiful, but I think maybe beautiful people are beautiful because their mommies _love them_."

He had never intended to say it like that, never intended to say it at all. He did not believe it. Of course he didn't. He was ugly and he deserved to be punished, and of course his mother knew best. His mother was beautiful. She did love him, she was trying to help him, she was raising her hand to slap him and he lifted his head and took the slap knowing that he was the ugliest creature of all.

"I am wrong," he whispered as his mother raised her hand again. "I am ugly and I do not deserve love. But you do give love, don't you, Mommy? Ugly creatures' love is different than the love that is for beautiful children. Your love is hurting and it is right, but Mommy, it _hurts_. I know it can help for most people, but… M-Mommy… It's not fixing me…"

He fell to his knees, and it was he who was crying now, sobs shaking his frail, tiny body.

"I'm s-sorry!" he wailed. "I know it's because I'm bad that it's not working! I'm g-going to be a monster forever and… M-Mommy… _Fix me_ …"

His mother knelt in front of him, her slim hand stroking his cheek.

"I can't fix you, Raivis," she said.

 _"Can't fix me…?"_

"But… Mommy…" Raivis whispered, violet eyes widening. "If you can't fix me…"

"I am helping to fix you, Raivis," his mother said, her voice surprisingly soft, almost gentle. "But I can't do it all on my own. You have to help me make you beautiful. And one of the things you have to do to be beautiful is to listen to me. You need to stay in your room, like I've told you."

"B-but..."

"Raivis, sweetie," his mother whispered. "You want to become beautiful, don't you? No matter what the price?"

Raivis cast a glance at the window, wanting to see Eduard, but found that he could see nothing but blue sky.

 _"I can't learn what beauty is if I never see the things that are beautiful. I_ have _to keep watching Eduard… No matter what the price."_

"Y-yes, Mommy…" he whispered. Then he began to cry harder and louder than before, his anguished cries echoing throughout the house.

 _"I can't stay in my room. I can't obey. I can never be beautiful if I don't see beautiful children, if I don't learn what beautiful children do and say. But if I don't obey Mommy… I'll also never be beautiful. Maybe there isn't any hope for me. Maybe, no matter what, I'm always going to be ugly."_


	7. Fracture

Chapter Seven: Fracture

Eduard didn't know which teacher had assigned the extra credit. He never paid attention to things anymore. His grades were slipping-that much he knew. He was losing sight of his life's purpose, losing sight of any kind of future. There was no point in making good grades, no point in going to a good college, if he was only going to spend his life alone. He might as well just let himself fail.

But then, at lunch, Lukas was talking about it, about how the whole freshman class could get extra credit for going to this museum exhibit. And Lukas did not talk much, especially not around Eduard. So he started listening, just to see what the Norwegian boy was saying.

"Should we go, then?" Mathias asked, his voice muffled by the peanut butter sandwich he had just stuffed into his mouth.

"It's a decent way to earn extra credit," Tino said. "Museums aren't bad."

"If you're going, they'll make me go too," Berwald contributed, before lapsing into silence again.

"I am going," Lukas said. "Eirikur has expressed a desire to go to the museum. If I can take him there _and_ earn extra credit, so much the better."

"If little Erik's going, I'm going!" Mathias declared. "We'll make it a group trip, okay, guys?"

"Yeah!" Tino said enthusiastically. Eduard looked away, sighing.

 _"I may as well not exist to them. They're making plans as usual, forgetting…"_

"So, Ed, you in?"

He stared at Tino, certain that he had misheard the other boy's words.

"W-what?"

"Are you going to come with us?" Tino repeated. "It's for extra credit. You'll be going anyways, won't you? You always wanted to earn extra credit when we were kids."

 _"He doesn't even realize that my grades are slipping. He doesn't see that I no longer care. He doesn't see_ anything _…"_

He tried to choke his anger back, tried to quell this hateful feeling, the feeling which told him that Tino did not love him, had only invited him along because it was a school trip.

 _"But he invited me. He didn't have to, but he did. I…I have to go. This is my chance. My chance to get to know them. And maybe I don't care anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Even so… I'm going to try. Just once more, I'll try."_

He nodded, and Tino smiled. Eduard saw in that smile a mere ghost of the brilliant smiles Tino had given him long ago, when they were mere children, playing in the field behind their houses. But he still saw a smile, still saw the friend who had promised to be there for him. And although he no longer thought that Tino intended to keep that promise, Tino was, nonetheless, still smiling at him. Tino had invited him to go along with the group, although it was rather clear that no one in the group really wanted him with them.

Perhaps Tino had broken his promise. But as long as Tino was smiling at him, Eduard would hold onto the memory of a time when they had been best friends, and would hold onto the hope of being best friends again.

Through his loneliness, he would hold on. And perhaps, one day, he would find that he was not so lonely anymore.

* * *

They met at the museum on a Saturday morning in late September. It was beginning to cool off, and the crisp autumn air invigorating them all. Even Eduard lifted his head a bit, smiling softly as he waited for the others to arrive. His mother had dropped him off early, telling him that the rest of the boys were arriving together.

A dark blue minivan pulled up to the curb, barely rolling to a stop before the door was thrust open by Mathias, who jumped out. Lukas was next, and Eduard saw that the pale-haired boy was holding hands with another, much smaller child, who looked like a near copy of Lukas. The small boy, who was evidently Lukas's brother Eirikur, cast a somewhat unfriendly glance at Eduard, saying not a word to Lukas, who was talking softly to him.

Tino and Berwald climbed out of the back of the minivan, Berwald leaning into the front passenger window to talk to the driver, who was quite probably his mother. Then the van pulled away, leaving the six boys to explore the museum alone.

Eduard was quite thrilled with this prospect, having learned from fiction that it was much easier to get to know other teenagers when out of sight of responsible adults. However, he found that the others paid as little attention to him as they had before. Even little Eirikur ignored him, being occupied in rebuffing all Lukas's attempts to be a kind, responsible older brother.

As it turned out, the plan was to not only explore the exhibit the teacher had specified for extra credit, but also to tour the greater part of the rest of the museum. It was fun at first, all of them together, commenting on the exhibits. However, with no one paying attention to him, Eduard began to linger behind, reading the plaques in front of the exhibits more carefully than Mathias' speedy progress through the museum was allowing the others to do. He took care to keep the others in sight at first, but soon became distracted by a particularly interesting display. He could never remember what had captured his interest, however. For when Eduard looked up, he saw that the others had disappeared, and instantly forgot all about the museum display.

He scanned the room again, and his breathing sped up as he saw no pale, silver-blond hair that would lead him to Lukas or Eirikur, no wildly bouncing Mathias, no Berwald looming above the rest of the crowd.

And no Tino, smiling and shouting his name.

No one at all. They had left him behind.

Another boy would have run after them, shouting for his friends. But Eduard von Bock, used to being left alone, but not yet used to the betrayal that he felt when he was abandoned by his friends, did not run or cry out. He stood alone in the midst of a crowd, his confusion and fear going unnoticed by all around him. And he saw that he was alone, truly alone, with no one to care about him. Not even the people passing near him saw his fear and pain.

His mind cried out, telling him that he had been truly abandoned this time, that the others would never come back. His mind screamed that its evil whispers had been right all along, that his friends had truly not been his friends at all, and that they had abandoned him.

Even Tino had never loved him. So his mind said, and yet Eduard fought what his mind wished to tell him, insisting that the others would come back.

 _"It was a mistake, that's all. A mistake! They'll come back for me… They'll come back. I'll wait right here for them. They're going to come back for me. At least, Tino will. Tino is my friend. Tino will always be my friend. I will wait for him, and he will come back. He promised he'd never leave, so… He'll come back."_

Eduard looked around the room one last time, and, seeing a bench in the corner, went toward it, intending to sit down. However, as he crossed the room, he found a better hiding place, behind one of the displays. The wide display hid him from the stares of casual passersby, but he would still be able to hear his friends if they returned for him. Eduard sat down behind the display and laid his head in his hands, listening for the sounds of his friends' return.

They never came. His wristwatch ticked off seconds, then minutes, then hours, and still the others did not come for him. Eduard started to cry. Finally, his phone buzzed, and he pulled it out, smiling.

 _"They've remembered me at last!"_

But the caller ID read "Mom", and when Eduard answered his phone, he found that it was nearly three in the afternoon, and his mother was getting quite worried about him as she waited outside the museum. He checked his voicemail after she hung up, hoping that he might have missed a call from Tino or the others. But there were no new voicemails or texts, and Eduard von Bock knew then, as he walked through the museum to meet his mother, that the others-including the boy who once been his best friend-had abandoned him.

* * *

The museum was the final straw for Eduard, who had already been teetering on the edge of falling apart. He was ready to beat someone, to kill them for what they had done. The thought of Tino especially angered him, not because of the abandonment, exactly, but because, with Tino, it had felt like not only abandonment, but deep and utter betrayal. Eduard had never felt more ready to hurt someone.

All through the rest of Saturday and into Sunday, the others' abandonment haunted him. He did not sleep well; both his dreams and his waking nightmares plagued by Tino's face. He had never seen Tino angry with him, but now, suddenly, there was Tino inside his mind, mocking him, hating him, crying _"You've been holding me back all this time! Just let me live!"_

Perhaps he _had_ held Tino back; perhaps all the others were better friends to Tino than he could ever be. Even so, even though he knew it might be time to let go, he tried to hold on. But he could not. The memory of being abandoned was fresh in his mind, and he could not escape it. His mind twisted in on itself, telling him that not only did Tino hate him, but he must hate Tino. He must return hatred with hatred.

He did not wish to hate Tino. Tino had been his friend once, and he wished to be Tino's friend again. But he also wanted to run far away, somewhere that no one would hurt him ever again. He did not want to see Tino ever again.

Still, he found himself walking into Algebra 1 class on Monday morning, standing in the doorway, coldly watching Tino, waiting for the blond boy to notice him. And Tino did notice as he turned toward the doorway, no doubt looking for Berwald. And as Tino turned, the smile fell from his face, replaced by recognition, and then, guilt. But there was not enough guilt there, there was no immediate apology, and so Eduard knew that Tino had broken their promise. The old Tino would have run to him apologizing, would have had an excellent reason for his negligence. But there was no reason, they both knew it, and Eduard was not ready to listen to Tino make petty excuses. He was not ready to look at Tino at all, and as the Finnish boy opened his mouth, Eduard turned and ran from the classroom, ignoring the teacher's shouts.

He ran through the halls, ignoring everything, even the adults who shouted for him to slow down. Somehow, he made it to a deserted corner of the building. He was lost, now, and it was an utterly lost and wounded child who threw himself down, sobbing, in a dark and deserted corner of his high school, no longer caring who saw him. There was no one in the halls, now; the others had gone to class, and he had only the hall monitors to fear.

And then, a voice.

"And now you're crying. _God_. You're one pathetic kid. I'd think you'd know not to cry in public, especially since you're a boy. Isn't there a contest for who can be the most macho of all? Or do you not take part in such contests… Eduard von Bock?"

He looked up at the girl and wondered how she had gotten there, and what amusement an outcast who walked alone wherever she went might possibly find in conversing with him.

* * *

 **I legitimately feel that I have nothing at all to say in any of the ANs on this story, and it is slightly awkward. That is all.**


	8. Perri

Chapter Eight: Perri

"Well, aren't you going to answer me?"

The girl flipped her long, brown hair over her shoulder impatiently, and still Eduard made no sound, staring at her and trying to find the reason she was there.

He knew her from the halls and from the cafeteria, knew her as the girl who dressed in black and always sat alone. She was in a few of the same classes as he was, and he remembered her always showing a deep resentment for any teacher who frequently assigned projects requiring groups or partners. She was the type of person who seemed to loathe human interaction.

Her name was Perri Jones, and she never willingly spoke to anyone. Yet here she was, speaking to him in a deserted hallway.

"I'll leave," she said, and he was reminded again that Tino and all the others had abandoned him. The thought filled him with horror, and in that moment, he would have done anything to stop Perri from leaving.

"Please don't go," he whispered, tears coming into his eyes again. "I don't want to be alone."

Perri threw back her head and laughed. She had a loud and quite disturbing laugh, and Eduard would not have liked it one bit even had she not been mocking him.

"You really are pathetic," she said, when she had finished laughing. She smiled at him, confident and independent and brave, everything he was not.

He had never been sure of himself, and yet it still angered him that this girl had the nerve to stand here smirking and call him pathetic. She was as pathetic and lonely as he was, and there was no fairness or mercy in a girl who had no friends, calling him pathetic for crying alone.

" _You're_ pathetic," he rasped, and Perri laughed again, short and quiet this time.

"Which of us is crying on the floor?" she asked mockingly.

Eduard decided that he hated her. She was too much like Gilbert, proud and arrogant, acting so superior, although she was no better than he was.

He stood up, wiping his tears away with his sleeve, and faced Perri, who still seemed quite amused.

"If you don't stop mocking me," he said, "I'll hurt you."

Perri looked skeptical at best, completely disbelieving at worst.

"Really now," she said. "You'd hit a girl? Not very good manners, Eduard. But, then again… A lack of manners might make you easier to work with."

"W-work with?" Eduard asked blankly, completely lost. "What do you mean?"

"Let's get out of this stupid institution," Perri said, rolling her eyes at the empty halls. "Then I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you."

Eduard von Bock had never skipped a day of school in his life, at least not for reasons as unfounded as this. But he did not want to go back to class now, did not want to face Tino and the others, alone. And so he followed Perri out of the school, looking over his shoulder every few minutes to be sure they weren't being followed.

Perri caught him making a nervous sweep of the area, and she laughed again. She laughed a lot, Eduard had noticed, although all her laughter had either bitterness or hysterical, half-mad enjoyment in it. Her laughter was never quite normal, her smile never quite sane. All things considered, he found Perri Jones more than a bit disturbing. But he could deal with disturbing; he could deal with anything, as long as Perri was not planning to hurt or reject him as all his so-called friends had.

He followed her away from the school, up the hill into the woods that bordered their tiny town. Eduard began to feel worried, although he knew that his worry was unfounded. Perri was only one girl, smaller than he was, and would not have been the least bit threatening to him had it not been for her frequent and disturbing laughter.

Perri sat down on a fallen tree trunk just inside the woods, patting the spot next to her as if beckoning Eduard to sit. He stayed standing, however, eyeing the girl warily.

"What do you want with me?" he asked, keeping his voice cold and unwavering, although he was beginning to feel quite terrified. "I expect you to have an excellent reason for making me skip school."

"You weren't going back to class anyways," Perri said.

Eduard stared at her, wondering if she had followed him all the way from his third period class, if she had seen him run away.

"You see, Eduard," Perri said, crossing her legs and leaning back against another tree trunk, "I've been watching you. And I knew this would happen eventually."

"You have _not_ been watching me," Eduard said firmly. "I never saw you except in school. So how would you know about-"

Perri threw back her head and laughed again, and Eduard decided that she was most certainly insane, and that he should probably escape from her as soon as possible.

"If you don't stop doing that, I'm going to leave," he said, and turned away. He was nearly at the edge of the woods before he heard Perri's voice, which stopped him in his tracks.

"I am in almost all of your classes, I was at the museum on Saturday, I sit at the corner table next to yours at lunch. And you _never noticed_. I stopped moving where I sat, stopped not caring about things, because you were _lonely_. I noticed, Eduard von Bock. You and your chubby friend-what's his name? Tino? You've known each other a long time, haven't you? I can tell. But he doesn't care about you anymore, Eduard! I can see it all, you know. They talk about their middle school, but you're not in the stories. You try to talk to Tino about your childhood, but none of those other fools are in those stories. You only knew Tino before, and now he's left you. Isn't it sad, Eduard? Isn't it lonely?"

He glanced back at her, saw her sitting alone on a log in the middle of the forest, and wondered why such a girl would have bothered watching him, the boy whom no one loved.

"And what if it is?" he asked. "Why would you care? You choose to be alone. I've seen you. You're always alone, never talking to anyone. Why would you care about my loneliness?"

All trace of laughter drained from Perri's eyes, the sudden seriousness rendering her even more disturbing. Gone was the half-mad laughter, but what replaced it was hard and cold and it frightened Eduard.

"You think I choose to be alone?" Perri asked, her voice soft and almost menacing. "That's actually funny, Eduard. You're alone now, aren't you? But did you choose it?"

"I'm not like you!" Eduard snapped. "I don't push people away like you do! I've seen you! You won't talk to anyone unless a teacher forces you to, Perri Jones! Why are you talking to me? What do you want?"

"I was going to offer you some help, but you know what, I don't think I will!" Perri roared, leaping to her feet and striding toward Eduard. "I think I might just kick you in the balls a few times and see how you like it! I'll show you how to push people away! That's all the help you'll get from me now!"

Had she not already been so close, had she not been clearly far more athletic than he, Eduard would have turned and run. As it was, he started forward, grabbed Perri's shoulders and pushed her against a tree, holding her as still as he could without getting too close.

"Let go!" she snapped, struggling. "Get off me!"

"You calm down and stop making threats against my safety, and I'll see about letting you go," Eduard said coldly.

Perri stopped moving. This close, Eduard could see every flickering movement of her eyes, which were deep green and quite disturbing if they focused on him for any length of time. 'Disturbing' was the only term he could think of to accurately describe Perri in general.

"Are you going to hit me?" Perri asked. "That would be stupid. I can still take you like this."

Eduard did not think she could, but he did not say that, instead stepping away from her, still watching her warily as he backed away.

"I don't hit people," he said. "I'm not like you. I'm not going to hit the people who've wronged me, even if they _are_ people like you."

He turned away again, his body still tense, ready to fight Perri if she tried to attack him, which he still thought she might.

"I'm leaving now," he said. "Go back to your self-inflicted loneliness and leave me to mine."

"You won't be able to stand it," Perri said. "You're a pathetic person, Eduard. You're going to run home and cry alone, aren't you? Maybe you'll cry alone forever. I don't know about that, but I do know this: you'll never have any friends if you continue on in this pathetic manner. You'll never survive if you continue on as you are. You're too weak both for friendship and loneliness. If you want to survive in this world, you'll need to become strong. I can teach you to be strong."

"How would you do that?" Eduard asked. "By making me an outcast as you are?"

"No," Perri said. "I'll show you how I live, Eduard von Bock. And then you can decide for yourself whether you want to be alone or not. If you wish to live alone, excellent. But if you wish to reduce yourself again to the level of those who form petty, impermanent friendships, I will have nothing more to do with you. If you accept my help, you should know that I will not think of you as a friend. I have no need of friends. When I deem you ready, I will cast you away to live your life, alone or with other human beings as you choose. I will not remain with you. But I will help you become strong, so that you can survive in this world."

"I don't want to live my life alone," Eduard said. "That's no life. That's hell on earth."

"Then I will teach you about friendship," Perri said. "I am the silent watcher, Eduard. I know as much about how a friendship is made as I know about what it is like to be alone, for I have watched both paths pan out as my schoolmates chose between them. Few choose loneliness, but I find it presents a far less painful existence than the one of constant betrayal in which you live. Still, I will teach you. You're pathetic, but you're also…"

She trailed off, and as Eduard glanced back at her, she turned her head away, her voice muffled when she spoke again.

"You may still have a chance in this world… A chance which I do not have."

He did not know what might drive her to say such a thing, but he did know that she had spoken to him, and although she had not reached out in the name of friendship, she had reached for him nonetheless. He did not know what she might be able to teach him, but, at least, with her as a teacher, he would not be alone.

"All right, Perri," he said, turning to her. "Show me what's it's like to survive in this world."

* * *

 **Shorter chapter this time, but they'll get longer again.**

 **A note on Perri: as some of you already know, Perri Jones is my OC, personification of Panem. (Who is usually far less mentally stable than she is in this fic.) I wanted to try writing human Perri, so I added her in. Ehehe, I hope it's all right-I know most people don't care for OCs, but I think she's a decent one.**

 **Reviews always appreciated, and I'll see you next time! :)**


	9. Perri's Guide to Having a Social Life

Chapter Nine: Perri's Guide to Having a Social Life

Eduard found Perri waiting for him outside the school the next morning. Eduard had returned to school after their talk the previous day, but Perri had said that she was going to take the afternoon to draft her 'plan for the betterment of pathetic humans', and that she would report back to him tomorrow for the start of their program.

She appeared to be determined to keep her word, for as Eduard's mother pulled the car up to the curb, Eduard saw Perri leaning against one of the pillars which held the building up, waiting.

Hurriedly, he said goodbye to his mother and walked toward the school building. Somehow, he was both eager and reluctant to talk to Perri. He did not trust her, but he was lonely, she appeared to be lonely, and he wanted a friend. And although Perri said that she had no interest in friendship, Eduard could think of no other reason for her sudden interest in his well-being.

 _"Then again, perhaps that's only wishful thinking. I'll have to be very careful around her. She's the sort of person who could be very dangerous, I think. Then again… From what she said in the woods… She may be more vulnerable than she acts."_

"Are you on decent terms with your parents?" Perri asked as Eduard reached the top of the stairs. "That was your mom, right?"

Eduard hesitated, remembering all the times his mother and father had overlooked his pain, or brushed it off as 'just a phase'.

"They don't know about this," he said. "About the loneliness. They don't take it seriously. But they do love me, and I love them."

"I can't help with parents," Perri said bluntly. "I haven't got any, and I can't observe any parents at school."

"You…?"

"I live with my brother," Perri said. "He can go to hell, though. He hardly remembers I exist, so it's not like he's a 'parent'. Damn Alfred."

Her voice lowered startlingly as she uttered the words, her eyes narrowed with hate, and Eduard backed away a few steps, frightened once again by the girl's unpredictable mood swings.

"Don't worry," Perri whispered. "I'm not planning _his_ demise."

"W-w-whose demise are you planning?" Eduard stammered, his eyes widening as he stared at Perri.

She stared blankly back at him, and a shadow passed over her face. Then she laughed, but this was a quiet laugh, not at all hysterical, but infused with bitterness.

"Who says I'm planning anyone's demise?" she murmured. "Right now, I'm trying to help you. So, Eduard…shall we begin?"

As she uttered the words, the bell rang. Perri rolled her eyes and turned away, muttering, "I'll meet you at lunch. We'll start then. In fact… Let's make lunch our official rendezvous daily."

She turned back to him suddenly, doubt written on her face.

"Are you all right with that? Or do you want to eat lunch with your so-called friends?"

"I'll meet you," Eduard said hurriedly.

 _"I don't ever want to see or speak to any of those people again. Please don't make me speak to them ever again."_

He knew it was inevitable that he would have to speak to the others again-or, at the very least, he would have to explain why he was now spending lunch hour with the school outcast. But he wanted to avoid speaking to them for as long as possible, and so, meeting with Perri Jones sounded like a fairly pleasant thing.

* * *

Eduard did not look at Tino during Algebra 1 class, although he knew that the Finnish boy kept glancing at him. Those glances would never be returned. Eduard was not going to give Tino the satisfaction of being able to apologize, to feel like everything was off his chest.

When the class was over, he stood up quickly, swinging his backpack over his shoulder, and made straight for the cafeteria. There, at the corner table, he found Perri Jones waiting for him. The girl had her right hand under her left sleeve, tracing something beneath the fabric, but she pulled her hand out when she saw Eduard, straightening up, an intent, determined look on her face.

"I thought you wouldn't come," she said as he slid into the seat next to her.

"Why wouldn't I?" he asked. "I said I would."

Perri shrugged.

"I'm used to people breaking promises. But maybe you'll surprise me."

"You're supposed to be helping me," Eduard said. "That's the only reason I'm here. I need your help. So help me."

Perri eyed him for a moment, emerald eyes seeming to pierce his skin. Eduard wondered how much she knew about him, exactly how much she had overheard. She seemed to know a great deal about his loneliness, but what else did she know about him?

"Our first lesson, since you want to focus on friendship, will be about choosing friends," Perri said. "If you want to switch to a study in how to survive alone, please do tell me. I'll find either study amusing, but I'm far better with loneliness. You see… I've only ever experienced that. Observation and experience are different. Nonetheless, I'll do my best to help you."

She looked so determined as she scanned the room, and in that moment, Eduard almost thought that Perri Jones might be completely sane and capable of helping him. But then he saw her shaking hands, although he knew that he was not supposed to have glanced down there, he was not supposed to have seen her weakness, and he knew then that Perri was frightened. He did not understand why she would undertake something that frightened her for the sake of a stranger whom she had no connection to, and yet, watching more closely, he thought that there was a certain cruelty in Perri's eyes as she searched the room for someone. He did not know why, but he felt as if the girl was choosing a victim.

"You know, you must have been a real self-centered guy in middle school," Perri said, suddenly meeting Eduard's gaze. "Otherwise you would have noticed all the things I'm about to show you."

"I am not self-centered!" Eduard snapped.

Perri rolled her eyes skyward, as if calling on the heavens to prove Eduard wrong.

"If you know half of what I'm about to tell you already, then I might believe you," she said. "Key word being _might_."

She smiled wryly, the corners of her mouth twisting in an odd, almost pained manner.

"Then again, I'm self-centered too, aren't I?" she said, far more quietly than she had spoken before. "I can't talk."

Her voice grew more confident as she continued, and Eduard did not like the arrogant superiority in her tone.

"But I'm not pathetic," she said. "You're pathetic. That's why I'm here; I'm going to help you out of it! So, let's begin our lesson."

Eduard looked away from her for a moment, resisting the overwhelming urge to hit this girl, who had come into his life in the name of helping him, yet so far had only served to hurt him further. However, he looked up again a moment later, unwilling to allow Perri to slip away from him.

 _"She's not my friend. She doesn't want to be my friend, and I don't want to be her friend. But right now… She's all I have."_

"Rule number one," Perri said. "There is a group for everything. Your sports-minded types are always together. The band kids are together. There are the nerds and the geeks and the jocks and… Well, whatever else there is. The point is, there is always a group that you have to fit into. Now, granted, there are exceptions. There are always a few kids who defy group stereotypes and hang out together. Take your chubby friend…"

"Tino," Eduard growled. "And if you call him chubby one more time, I will hit you."

"He doesn't care about you," Perri said, her voice sharp. "Accept it, Eduard. He doesn't care and he never will, so get over your puppy crush on your childhood best friend. _God_. One would think this Tino was an angel from heaven, the way you defend him."

"I do not have a crush on him!" Eduard snapped. "Shut up! You know nothing about me! I'm only accepting your so-called 'help' because I have no one else to turn to, understand? I'll leave you to your lonely, selfish existence as soon as I can, so bear with me, will you? And stop insulting me. Stop insulting Tino."

"He doesn't love you," Perri said, smiling up at him. "It's all right, Eduard. You can hate him. Go ahead. I want to see you hate. It would amuse me greatly."

Eduard remembered the day, years ago, when he had been sitting in a field, facing Gilbert Beilschimidt, the day when he had attempted to get revenge for the neglect Gilbert had put him through. He had always blamed Gilbert above all the others for his loneliness, and he still blamed the older boy to this day. (Gilbert, now a senior in high school, was probably somewhere in this cafeteria, but Eduard was not about to point him out to Perri.)

"I can hate," he whispered, and Perri smiled.

"Then do it," she said. "Hate someone. It feels good-you have to know that. It feels good to know that you aren't the one to blame. Hate everyone else, Eduard, and you will never have to hate yourself."

"But I'm not here to learn to be lonely and hateful," Eduard said. "I'm here to learn how to be normal."

"Normal is a funny word," Perri said. "It means different things to different people. But I'll teach you about making friends. So let's continue our lesson. There are people, like Tino and his friends, who defy stereotypes. These people, invariably, went to the same middle school, and quite likely live in close proximity to one another. Is this a reasonable conjecture? In the case of our current subject, you know more than I do."

Eduard nodded.

"You're right. They all live on the same street, I think. Berwald, Lukas, and Mathias have known each other for a long time."

"Thought so," Perri said. "It's no good trying to get into a group like that, Eduard dear. They're far too close knit for you to have any hope of joining them. Don't take kindly to outsiders, even outsiders who used to be their friends."

 _"Used to be. Tino used to be my friend. He's not my friend…anymore."_

He tried to listen as Perri talked on, but his mind kept returning to Tino. He could not help dwelling on the memory of their past friendship, of how it had failed, of how he would never get that friendship back. He missed Tino. He was already quite certain that, no matter how interesting Perri Jones happened to be, she was absolutely nothing like Tino. And he still believed that friendship like that which he had once shared with Tino was the thing he needed most of all.

* * *

Perri's lessons became the highlight of Eduard's day. Tino and the others no longer spoke to him, nor did he encourage them to. Mathias and Tino both attempted to talk to him a few times, at first, but he shrugged them off, escaping their awkward attempts to speak with him. He felt guilty sometimes, for both Mathias and Tino looked slightly hurt when he pushed them away. But they had left him before, and he was not about to give them a chance to do it again.

A few weeks passed, and Mathias stopped talking to him as if he were different from the rest of the school. Tino, too, began to pay him less and less attention, and it seemed to Eduard that the Finnish boy was utterly preoccupied with his friends, particularly Berwald. From the corner table, Eduard could still overhear the others' conversation, and he knew that Tino and Berwald always seemed to have something to do together after school.

It would have hurt more had Perri not been there. She made scathing, humorous remarks about everyone whose conversations she overheard, and had nicknamed Tino and Berwald "that overly fluffy not-quite-in-the-closet couple". Eduard had been bothered by it at first, but he said nothing about it, not wanting the overly imaginative Perri to add him into some sort of fantasy where Berwald and Tino were in love, and he was in love with Tino.

Almost as if she knew that it bothered him, Perri chose Tino and Berwald as her subject matter as often as she could. Listening to her talk about the other two boys, Eduard found it very difficult not to think about Tino. He watched the Finnish boy in class, particularly when Berwald was around, trying to see if Perri might be right about Tino and Berwald's feelings. And he found that he could not stop thinking about it even when class had ended.

"Perri," he said one day, halting the girl in the middle of a rant. "What does it mean when you keep thinking about someone even though that person doesn't care about you at all?"

"It means you have a crush on that chubby Tino kid," Perri said. "I assume that's who you're talking about, considering you've been staring at him moodily all day today."

"I do _not_ have a crush on him!" Eduard snapped.

"So you have told me," Perri said, rolling her eyes. "Denial is a sign that you really are in love, you know. But seriously, Ed, have you not been listening? He clearly likes Berwald."

"Even if he _does_ like Berwald, that's not what I was asking!" Eduard said. "I asked…"

"And I told you," Perri said. "I think you have a crush on him. Or… Maybe you want him back?"

"W-what's that supposed to mean?" Eduard asked. "It's not like he belongs to me. I…"

"You two were friends when you were kids, right?" Perri asked. "That must have been nice. You must have gotten pretty used to having your Tino around, you know? And now he's gone. He's gone and he's made new friends and I _still_ think Berwald is secretly his boyfriend. And you're still here, Ed. You're seeing it all, and… Don't you feel a little bit replaced? Jealous, maybe? Like Tino was supposed to be there for you, but he left you?"

"He made a promise to me," Eduard said. "He promised he'd never leave me, and…he did. He left and it _hurts_."

"Funny things, promises," Perri said, leaning back in her chair. "I never make them. I think people who do make them are idiots."

"Why would you think that?" Eduard asked.

Perri turned to him and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Have you ever known someone to keep a promise?" she asked. "Did your Tino keep his promise? He didn't, did he? He moved on. See, that's how it is with my brother. Do you know what happened when my parents died, Ed? My brother, Alfred, appeared out of the clear blue sky like a conquering hero and took custody of me. Now, I'm grateful. I wouldn't want to be in one of those damned children's homes. Then again, maybe _there_ somebody would have decided they loved me, and taken me home. But no. Instead, I live with Alfred F. Jones, amateur hero. Do you know what he said when he decided to take me home with him, Eduard? Can you guess?"

"Whatever it was," Eduard said, "he lied. Didn't he? That's why you're bringing him up."

 _"You know a lot about me, Perri. My relationship with my parents, what happened between me and Tino… I'm going to tell you about Gilbert, I'm just not ready yet. But… I know next to nothing about you. You never told me why you hate your brother, really. Will you tell me now? I'm very curious about you, you know."_

"He told me he would take care of me," Perri said, and Eduard heard in her voice the hatred he had felt facing Gilbert all those years ago. But, more than that, he heard the hatred he felt whenever he thought too hard about the way Tino had abandoned him.

"Alfred told me he would be my hero," Perri said. "And do you know what? He lied. He forgets about me, Ed, for weeks at a time. Every once in a while, he remembers to make sure I'm still alive. In the meantime? I eat microwave meals for supper, and steal money from his wallet so I can get breakfast and lunch here, so I can wear clothes, so I can _live_. And the bastard hasn't even noticed that his money is missing. I imagine when he does notice he won't suspect me, though. He always goes on about what a sweet little girl I am… _When he bothers to remember me_. Which happens about three times a month."

She smiled bitterly, shaking her head, as Eduard struggled to file away this information for personal reference.

"See, Ed," Perri whispered, smiling at him. "Promises are made to be broken."

 _"Compared to her… I have no reason to feel the way I do. It's selfish. Why do I feel this way? And why does she care? No wonder she thinks I'm pathetic. She…"_

"He's neglecting you," Eduard murmured. "You _could_ leave, if you wanted to."

Perri snorted in a most unladylike manner.

"Where would I go?" she asked. "I'm fifteen, Ed. No one wants to adopt a fifteen year old, not when they can get a little baby to raise up in their chosen way. See, it's all about the kid fitting into the family. I wouldn't be a good fit for…for anyone. I'm not a good fit for anyone."

He had a sudden, desperate impulse to tell her that she was good enough for him. But he did not think it was true; he did not think of her as a friend, he did not really even care about her beyond the fact that she was the only person he had.

But he did not want to lose her. He liked having Perri there, even if she was crazy and loud and thought that he had a crush on his treacherous former best friend.

She was all he had, and she leaned comfortably back in her chair, now, commenting on the questionable attire of a group of girls seated several tables away. Eduard let himself forget what Perri had told him. It did not seem to bother her, beyond the occasional hateful rant about her brother. And so he must not allow it to bother him either.

 _"If anyone has a plan for their life, it's Perri Jones. I'm sure she has everything she's going to do planned out from now until her death. I wonder if she predicted the exact date that she would come to offer me her 'help'. She probably has her bills tallied down to the one hundredth cent so she knows exactly when she'll need more money. Yes… Perri has her life planned out quite well, I think. It's just… I still can't figure out how I fit into her plan."_


	10. Officer Laurinaitis

Chapter Ten: Officer Laurinaitis

Thanks to Perri, Eduard's powers of observation were improving rapidly. On this particular morning, Eduard was able to tell that something was up the moment he walked into his first period class. The entire room was abuzz with excited chatter. Unnoticed and, he felt, quite unwanted, he walked to his desk, which was next to Perri's in the corner.

"What's wrong with everyone?" he asked. Perri, who had been reading a rather large book, glanced up with a slightly annoyed expression.

"Really, honor student Ed, haven't you been listening lately?"

"I'm not an honor student anymore," he said. "It doesn't matter that much. I keep my grades up, but I'm not an honor student. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Right you are," Perri said, grinning. "My training has paid off. Only… You _do_ have a future to consider, Ed. Better keep your grades up. It would be utterly pathetic of you to fail. I know you're a genius."

"This genius would like you to tell him why the rest of the room is so excited," Eduard said pointedly, not wanting to discuss his grades so early in the morning. Although his scores had risen slightly, they were still far from those he had maintained while in middle school.

Perri nodded to the front of the room.

"We've got a policeman in to talk about something today," she said. "Don't ask me what he's here to lecture on, but it's got everyone really worked up."

Eduard followed Perri's gaze and found that there was indeed a policeman standing at the front of the room. He was in uniform, strands of long, mousy hair escaping from beneath his hat.

"How does he have his hair that long?" Perri grumbled. "I don't even think that's legal. Policemen are supposed to look professional. Also, that hair is a safety hazard. What if he gets in a fight?"

"Maybe he likes his hair more than his life," Eduard said. "Maybe it's a religious thing. I don't know. Why don't you ask him?"

"Because class is starting," Perri said, as their teacher stepped forward to introduce the policeman, whose name, apparently, was Officer Toris Laurinaitis.

"Laurinaitis?" Perri scoffed. "Who has a name like that?"

"He's probably from out of the country," Eduard said. "Or, more likely, his parents immigrated here. Don't be rude, Perri; he can probably hear you."

The policeman-Officer Lauriniatis-had a very soft voice, and Eduard had to lean forward in an attempt to hear him over Perri.

"Just Toris is fine," the policeman said, smiling softly. "I'm not on duty right now."

"He's in uniform, though," Perri said. "Who made this man a policeman? I mean, really…"

Eduard tried to tune Perri out, but found it difficult, considering the fact that she was literally two feet from his ear, and making no effort to be quiet. He saw the teacher cast several disapproving glances in Perri's direction, and eventually found himself staring at his desk, trying to block out Perri while attempting to listen to Officer Toris Laurinaitis, who seemed to be presenting a lecture on a mixture of child abuse, neglect, and dating violence, with a heavy focus on the dating violence. Eduard wondered vaguely if Perri would pay any attention to a policeman talking about child neglect, and, glancing over at the girl, realized that she had stopped talking, and now appeared to be listening intently to Officer Laurinaitis. Eduard smiled softly, and commenced taking notes on the policeman's lecture, which, while not particularly helpful to him, was quite interesting nonetheless.

* * *

Perri Jones clenched her fists tightly, chewing her lip, knowing that no one would notice, no matter how odd her behavior became.

 _"Well, Ed might, but he's horrible at reading emotions and everyone knows it._ Everyone _. If that boy would just learn to read the mood…"_

She snapped her attention away from Eduard, focusing again on the policeman, whom she was mentally referring to as "he who is far too fluffy-haired to be a policeman". She was still fairly certain that the man was not abiding by police force dress code, but he had such a soft voice and such kind eyes, and she was beginning to think that his long hair suited his gentle appearance.

 _"I wonder if he has a little sister,"_ she thought, watching Toris Laurinaitis carefully. _"I wonder why he seems so upset. This is upsetting him; that's obvious. Why'd they pick the obviously sensitive one to talk to high school students about abuse and neglect? What kind of idiots are policemen anyways?"_

She sighed, slipping her right hand beneath her left sleeve, absentmindedly tracing familiar lines on her arm, counting them.

 _"Whatever sort of idiots policemen are, this one seems like a decent guy, just from the voice and the face and that soft little smile. I wonder if he's looking to adopt. Doubt it, though. And even if he was, it'd be this sweet little baby kid who'd been abused all its life. Bet this guy could fix the kid right up, as overly sweet as he's acting. Then again, maybe it's an act. Alfred's sure great at acting like a wonderful person in public, but at home… At home he's a jerk and he sits on his computer and_ doesn't care _and I bet if I gave him a million dollars he still wouldn't care a bit about me."_

With a start, Perri realized that class had ended, that Toris Laurinaitis was halfway out the door and the rest of her classmates were getting up from their chairs.

"Ed, watch my shit for a minute!" she snapped, bolting toward the door before the blond boy could stop her.

She did not quite know why she was running after the policeman, but she knew that she wanted to talk to him.

 _"I've gotta talk to this guy. I've gotta. I want to know what I'm supposed to do. I… One last chance… One last chance. Just one. Let me talk to him. Please God. I need to ask him a question…"_

"Miss, are you all right?"

She stopped short, hearing that soft voice, imagining what it would be like to hear that voice call her name. She was sure that such a soft-voiced, kind-faced man would be a wonderful older brother, and smiled bitterly at her own foolishness.

 _"Really now. I call myself callous and jaded, and yet I think this random stranger would be a good older brother. Growing wishful, huh, Perri? Too bad. There's no hope…for you. There's never been any hope."_

"Miss?" the police officer was suddenly in front of her, and she almost hugged him, almost started to cry, for no real reason except that he looked so kind and sweet and caring, and the world was just not fair.

"Do you have any siblings?" she choked, unreasonably. The policeman-she decided to mentally refer to him as simply Toris-blinked.

"I did," he said. "I had a little brother. Why?"

"You look like you'd be a good brother," she whispered. "I wanted to know if there was anyone l-lucky enough to have a nice guy for a brother."

"Are you all right?" Toris repeated, green eyes warm and comforting. "What's wrong?"

"I just… All the brothers I know are jerks," Perri said. "I wanted to know if you were someone's brother. That's all."

"Is it?" Toris asked, and Perri had a sudden impulse to trust him. It would be so easy.

In a perfect world, she would pull back her sleeves, and he would see the pain and save her from it.

 _"But in this horrid world, what would he say? He'd have me institutionalized. Crazy Perri. What a laugh. Those kids; they were right all along. I'm just crazy Perri, and I can't let this guy put me in an institution. I've planned all this so carefully. I can't mess it up now just because he_ might _help. I can't."_

"I have a friend," she whispered. "This friend…she…she's been…"

She bit her lip, hating the way her words refused to come out. She knew she was eloquent-or, at least, she used to be-but now, when she needed to speak, the words wouldn't come.

"Calm down," Toris said. "It's all right. You can trust me. Your friend-is she being abused?"

 _"Is she?"_ Perri's mind supplied. _"Is this friend being abused, selfish Perri Jones, who has no friends? Only you know. You invented this friend for your own purpose. Now, write her story. What has happened to your imaginary friend?"_

"I don't…know," Perri whispered. "She's been acting different lately. Darker. Making comments about dying and blood and… What do I do about that? What do I do if my friend tells me she deserves to die?"

 _"Help me, Mr. Laurinaitis. Help. Please. This is my last chance."_

Toris had the kindest eyes. That was all she could think beyond the overwhelming knowledge that _this was her last chance._ She wanted to say more, wanted to say what her mind had told her, wanted to tell him that her friend didn't even exist, and everything she had said did not matter, really, because she was just selfish, and she had invented that girl, that nameless, faceless friend, for her own selfish purposes.

"You need to tell your friend that you love her," Toris said. "Tell her you're there for her. Most people who want to kill themselves think that no one will notice or care that they're gone. Show her that you will. Show her that she matters. Can you do that?"

 _"If that friend was real, maybe. As things are… No."_

She bit her lip harder, looked up at Toris, choking back the tears and making her voice steady.

"Yeah. I'll tell her that."

"If she doesn't listen to you, tell an adult," Toris said. "Someone that can look after her. If you suspect abuse, though, don't tell whoever is abusing her. Tell a teacher…tell someone. Otherwise she might be seriously hurt."

Perri nodded.

"Thank you, Mr. Laurinaitis," she murmured, and her voice sounded _so cold_ , even to her, that she did not know why Toris Laurinaitis let her walk away.

But he did, and as she turned, she saw Eduard standing in the hallway, holding her bag, and wearing a very confused expression.

"What was that all about?" he asked, and Perri slipped her hand beneath her sleeve, gouging her fingernails into her wrist until she felt she could put the arrogant confidence back in her voice, until she felt that she could lie to Eduard and to all the world.

"Nothing," she said. "I just wanted to ask a question. And you know what, Ed, it's none of your business."

 _"It's nobody's business. Tell an adult? Find someone who will give the person contemplating suicide a reason to stay? What a laugh. What a fucking laugh. No. This is it. It'll have to be soon now. I'm slipping. I almost cried in front of that damn policeman. It's gotta be soon. If I lose my cool before I go, that's how they'll remember me. Not as the person I worked so hard to make myself, but as that little crazy girl who broke down and cried in the middle of class. It has to be soon. Otherwise no one will remember me at all. Not…that they'll remember me anyways."_

* * *

Eduard thought that Perri seemed extremely preoccupied in the days that followed Officer Laurinaitis' visit, almost as if her mind was somewhere far away, while her body remained at school. She continued giving him lessons, but he noticed her gaze wandering more and more as the days passed. Her eyes kept misting over, going distant and sad, and he didn't like it.

"Perri," he said finally, on a day when she was more preoccupied than ever before, "do you want to come over to my house after school?"

She looked up at him, eyes wide and misty. Then her gaze sharpened, and she nodded.

"Yeah. It would be good to get some extra lessons in, huh?"

Her lips were moving, but he could barely hear what she was saying, her voice was so quiet.

"There's not much time left…"

"Are you all right?" he asked, not for the first time. "You've been acting different for a while…"

"I'm fine!" Perri snapped, and Eduard shrank back. He had not seen this particular rage in Perri's expression for a very long time, and this half-mad, unpredictable rage frightened him, although he did not think Perri would hurt him.

"A-all right," he said. "I'm sorry. I just…"

"I'm fine, Ed," Perri said, laughing softly. "Just… I've been tired lately. That's all."

He did not quite believe her, but he nodded, and she resumed teaching him about the lives of social persons. Her eyes did not mist over once for the rest of the lunch hour, and Eduard started to wonder if perhaps he had just imagined the change in Perri.


	11. Lonely Child

**Sorry for the late update, guys; I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday, so I'm a little loopy, and I forgot all about updating yesterday. But, anyways, here's the chapter!**

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Lonely Child

Raivis had never seen Eduard with a girl before. In fact, he had not seen any other children with Eduard for a very long time. He missed Tino, but he also realized that Tino must no longer be a part of Eduard's happiness, and if Tino was not part of Eduard's happiness, than he did not need Tino either. As long as Eduard was happy somehow, imaginary-world did not need Tino or anyone else. As long as imaginary-world had Eduard, Raivis was happy.

But then, today, a girl came home with Eduard. Raivis thought that Eduard's mommy did not think much of the girl, who came dressed in black and wearing a very proud expression.

 _"She reminds me a little bit of Mommy,"_ Raivis thought. _"Only a little bit. She has sadder eyes. Mommy doesn't have the saddest eyes, but this girl with Eduard has the saddest sad eyes in the world. Can't Eddy see the sad eyes? Eddy, fix her and make her sad eyes go away! She's so pretty… She'd be even prettier without the sad eyes…"_

He opened the window just enough to listen to what Eduard and the girl were saying. To his relief, they stayed outside for a little while, sitting on the front steps, where he could just see them if he stood on his tiptoes.

"Your mom hates me," the girl said to Eduard.

"She doesn't hate you," Eduard said, smiling. "You're just very different from my usual friends."

"You mean Tino?" Perri asked. "You're right there. I'm nothing like that chubby kid. But I'm also _not_ your friend. This is a purely professional relationship, nothing more."

Eduard shook his head.

"You're the only person who talks to me, and vice versa," he said.

Raivis wrinkled his eyebrows at Eduard and the girl, wishing that they would use easier words.

"How are you not my friend, Perri?" Eduard asked, and Raivis knew the girl's name.

 _"Perri. I like that name. It seems…like a sad girl with lonely eyes. Is Perri always a sad girl with lonely eyes, or is it just this one Perri? Are there more people named Perri? Are they all sad? Does she ever get to be happy? Do we ever get to be happy? Wait…why 'we'? What happened to 'she'?"_

He decided that he liked Perri, although he felt a bit nervous about her being so close to Eduard. She reminded him too much of his mother for him to feel completely at ease.

 _"She wouldn't hit Eddy? No, no, she and Eddy are both beautiful, so they mustn't hit each other or get hit. They're friends, and friends don't hurt each other. Except Perri said that she isn't friends with Eddy, but she came to his house, and that's what friends do, so…she must be his friend!"_

He watched Perri and Eduard until 3:50, and only then did he run back to his room, remembering to close the window first. Closing the window, however, did not block out his imaginary-world, and as he lay on his pile of blankets, Raivis closed his eyes and imagined Perri into imaginary-world.

 _We're all sitting on the steps of Eddy's house-me and Eddy and Perri, all together like friends should be. Perri's laughing and Eddy's smiling and I'm just there, watching them be happy like they're always supposed to be. And Perri and Eddy don't have sad eyes anymore, or lonely smiles. They're happy. We're happy._

 _And when Mommy calls me inside I go and run in and tell her all about my day. About my friends. About the place that Eddy goes to every morning but that I've never seen. What is the place Eddy goes to? No! I can't go to a place that I don't know what it's called or what they do there. I can't go to Mommy right now… I have to stay on the front steps with Eddy and Perri. With my friends. As long as I'm with them, it's okay. I don't have to go to the other place. As long as Eddy and Perri stay with me, I'll be happy._

 _We're all happy in imaginary-world. There are no lonely sadnesses in imaginary-world. There are no ugly things in imaginary-world at all. That's why I have to keep imaginary-world very safe in my head. Because it's the only place where everyone and everything is perfectly beautiful. I have to remember. Imaginary-world might become real-life-world one day. I might really get to go outside and play with Eddy and Perri. One day, if I try hard to be good, I'll become beautiful._

 _And then imaginary-world will be real-life-world. And the first thing I'll do is run outside and figure out how to make Eddy and Perri smile happily, so happily that all the sad lonely feeling goes out of them and never comes back. I'll find a way to do it when I'm beautiful! Beautiful people can do anything. So when I'm beautiful, I'll be able to make my friends happy again. And their happiness will be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Because their happiness makes me happy._

Raivis smiled sleepily, his eyes closed against the cruel reality of the world.

 _"Someday, when imaginary-world becomes real-life-world,"_ he thought, _"Every one of my friends is going to be happy, and Mommy will be happy, and I'll be beautiful."_

* * *

Eduard's mother was vaguely disapproving of Perri; that much they both knew. But she also seemed relieved that Eduard had a friend, even if that friend dressed in black and had an arrogant disregard for authority. She smiled at Perri, welcomed her, and invited her to stay for dinner, to Eduard's relief. He had been afraid that his parents might disapprove of the first friend he had made since high school began, and he did not know what he would have done had his parents forbidden him to speak to Perri.

Perri herself seemed indifferent to his family, but then, she acted cold toward everyone, which made her true feelings hard to divine.

"I don't get them," she said. "They act like they love you and all, but they don't even notice that you're always alone."

"Mom was happy that I brought you here," Eduard said. "She worries."

"Not enough," Perri said. "If she worried enough, she would have noticed you were in pain. Then again, adults don't notice much, do they? I've never had an adult notice anything that was wrong with me."

She laughed softly, looking down at her torn, black jeans.

"Well… They only notice long enough to cry "insane", and turn away. I must not be crazy enough for them to care, not sane enough for them to love."

"What if you found someone who loved you?" Eduard asked. "What would you say to that person?"

"It doesn't matter," Perri said. "I'll never find anyone, Ed. I've lived for almost sixteen years, and not a single person has ever loved me. I'm not even sure my parents loved me. I can barely remember them, you know? I have no idea if they loved me…if they would still want me now, or if they would be ashamed of me. I don't know any of that. I just know that I haven't been loved since they died, if not before. My own brother barely remembers I exist. My classmates have called me crazy for years. Teachers treat me like a curse, and other adults are suspicious at best."

She looked up at him, and her smile was soft and sad and very unlike her, as were her words, also soft and sad and almost kind.

"Eduard. You're the closest thing to a friend I've ever had. And I know I'm a shit person-you've said it yourself. You're only here with me until you find someone better. And, you know, that's okay. I'm okay with that. I'm just glad you were here at all. Thanks."

Something struck Eduard suddenly, something abstract and yet, pertinent and important. For Perri Jones always made it sound as if she did not belong in the world, and she had also never mentioned one very important detail about herself, a detail that might have proved that she _did_ belong.

"Perri. You never told me one thing."

She glanced over at him, surprise and curiosity written on her face.

"There are a lot of things I haven't told you. But what is it?"

"Where do you fit in?" he asked. "You've told me about everyone else in our school, I think. You know where all of them fit. But you've never told me where you fit."

Perri stared at him for a long moment. Then she laughed again. Her laughter was still soft, yet tainted now with bitterness.

"Nowhere, Ed," she said. "I fit nowhere. No matter what, I'll never belong. I tried for a long time. But now, I know. No matter what you do in life… Although we're very similar in a lot of ways… You'll be able to move on and live your life. I never will."

"Why?" he asked. "You know how to be normal-why don't you try?"

"Knowing isn't the same as doing," she said. "Look at you, Ed. You could be out there making friends, but here you are, with me. You know how I am, don't you? You know I'm completely worthless, friendless, and you still stay with me. You need to get going. I'm not going to be able to teach you much longer, and then you'll be on your own again. You don't want that, do you?"

"No," Eduard said. "But I don't…"

He did not want her to be alone. She had been his friend through the long weeks after Tino and the others had left him, and although she did not call herself his friend, he thought of her as a friend, despite her refusal to return such feelings.

 _"It's incredible, really. I thought her insane when I met her-I still think she's a bit insane. But… I also think that she deserves a friend as much as the next person. She's as lonely as I've always been; in fact, she makes my loneliness look pathetic. And yet she refuses to accept me as her friend. Why, Perri? Why I can't you allow me to be your friend?"_

"I'm here for you," he said. "I'm not going to leave until you force me to. I know you don't believe that you can ever have a friend, Perri. You see that other people have friends, but you won't let yourself believe that you could be like them. I see that. I understand how you feel. But I'm not going to give up on you. I'm not leaving. Understand?"

"Isn't that what your Tino said to you?" Perri asked, shaking her head. "Everyone leaves, Ed. It's just a matter of time. But don't worry. I won't give you a chance to break my heart. I'll have to break yours. See, that's all I've ever been good for. Causing trouble and breaking hearts. Try to stop being attached to me, Eduard. Attachment hurts more than you know."

"I know-"

"Your parents still love you," Perri said. "They still care. My parents are _dead_ , Eduard. My brother barely even notices I exist most of the time. I can't remember the last time I sat down and had a talk with him. You know, you and that Laurinaitis guy, the policeman… You're the only people I've really had a conversation with in ages. No one else cares about crazy Perri."

Eduard flinched instinctively, Gilbert's words from long ago flashing through his mind.

 _"Tino, a word of advice-I think Eduard's a bit unstable. What kind of an eleven year old says something like that?"_

"We're not so different," he said. "So people talk to me. But do they love me, Perri? Do you think they do?"

"I'll say this much," Perri said. "If you die, there will be someone to attend your funeral. But when I die, Eduard… There will be no one to attend mine. Not even you."

" _I_ would go to your funeral if you died!" Eduard snapped. "Honestly, Perri, how does anyone get as calloused as you are? It's not-"

"Not normal?" Perri said bitterly. "I know, Ed. I know. I'll never be normal. I'll never be anything but crazy little Perri. That's why I'm asking you not to come to my funeral. I just want to be alone with death. I'm so used to being alone now…a busy funeral would be quite disruptive. So don't go to my funeral when I die. It would just be a waste of time."

"You're my friend, and friends do certain things like go to each others' parties…and funerals," Eduard grumbled. "Perri, what is _wrong_ with you?"

"If you can't figure that out," Perri said, laughing, "you don't know me as well as you think you do, Eduard von Bock. In fact… Perhaps you don't know me at all."


	12. Perri Says Goodbye

Chapter Twelve: Perri Says Goodbye

She had formed her plan so carefully. She had not known the exact date that she would do the deed, but she had known that she _would_ do it. She had been withdrawing from society for years, and now, her withdrawal was nearly complete. It was time.

There was only one loose end in all of this, she reflected as she bent over the sink, washing her knife. If only she could sever that one last thread, everything would be perfect. As it was, someone might be hurt by what she planned to do.

 _"It's his fault for getting so attached. He called me his friend. What rubbish! I'm no friend of Eduard's and I never have been. I never will be, now."_

She stared at her reflection in the mirror, shocked by how sad the girl in the mirror seemed. She wondered if she looked this way to everyone, sad and pale and on the verge of breaking down.

 _"No. I'm only like this when I'm not dressed in black, or when I wear short sleeves, or when I wear nothing at all. Then all my secrets come spilling out of the shadows…into the light of day."_

She fingered her scars, remembering the days when there had only been a few, shallow scars around her wrists. That had been before she started practicing for suicide. Back then, she had only been playing, relieving the pain in a way that pleased her and made her smile.

 _"I wonder if anyone else thinks blood is beautiful. I wonder if it looks beautiful on everyone, or just me. I guess I'll never know, but…maybe I want to know. Maybe knowing would be nice."_

She shook her head, laughing softly at her own foolishness.

 _"Give them a reason to call me a psychopath? They've already called me crazy. They'll remember me that way. Let's not give them any more reasons to remember me as a monster. Let them remember me as the person I pretended to be. I think I played my part well enough. Now all I have…is the grand finale."_

She turned off the faucet and began rubbing her dripping knife dry on the hand towel next to the sink.

 _"When it's stained red again, who will get the blood off? I won't be around to do it. I might get blood on the carpet. But who cares? If Alfred has to pay for new flooring because I killed myself in his house, so much the better. He deserves it. He deserves all of the pain and sorrow in the world for what he's done to me."_

She smiled, still laughing as she stared down at her knife.

 _"The whole world deserves to suffer for what they've done to me. I'm sure they'll pretend to cry. I'm sure they'll go the funeral-it's expected and all. But… They won't care when I'm gone. They'll just whisper 'we're rid of her at last'."_

"I hate this world," she whispered. "I hate everything about it. This entire world should die. But since I can't destroy this world, I'll just have to destroy myself. I hope you're all happy."

She raised the knife, angling it in just the right way, teeth clenched, eyes narrowed with desperate, broken determination. Then her green eyes widened, skittered away from the knife and from her scarred, bare arms, to the cell phone which lay on the counter next to her.

 _"This isn't fair to him, me going all of a sudden like this. I...he was my friend, even if I never acknowledged him. I…have to say goodbye. He's a stupid, moronic, pathetic kid…but he deserves a formal goodbye, at the very least. He deserves the truth that no one else ever cared to listen to."_

* * *

Eduard had finished his homework long ago, and was now sitting at his desk, staring into space, pretending to think about something highly philosophical. In reality, however, he was thinking about loneliness, which seemed to occupy all of his thoughts these days.

 _"Perri said she was going to leave me soon. And if she leaves, I really will be all alone again. I don't want that to happen. Perri is my best friend, and I don't want her to leave. She's my only friend. But if she does leave, I'll have to…"_

His cell phone started vibrating, interrupting his train of thought and sending him hunting through his pockets for the device. He pulled it out quickly, and was shocked to see that none other than Perri Jones was calling him.

 _"It's ten o'clock at night. What does she want?"_

He flipped the phone open and pressed the 'talk' button.

"Hello, Perri?"

"E-Ed." Her voice was shaking terribly, almost as if she was trying not to cry. It frightened him. She seemed frightened, perhaps, or desperate, and neither of those things were good when Perri Jones was being considered. She was _never_ frightened, and that was one of the things that he admired most about her.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Where are you?"

"A-at home," Perri said. "That's not important. Ed, I…I need to say goodbye. And I need to explain something to you."

"What do you mean, say goodbye?" Eduard nearly shouted. "It's too late at night for this!"

"Ed." Perri sounded like she was laughing, but she might have been crying too. "I'm going to kill myself. Right now."

"Wha…?"

 _"You may still have a chance in this world… A chance which I do not have."_

 _"Who says I'm planning anyone's demise?"_

 _"If you die, there will be someone to attend your funeral. But when I die, Eduard… There will be no one to attend mine. Not even you."_

"Perri! Don't hang up the phone!"

"I'm _not_ ," Perri said, and he could almost hear her rolling her eyes. "Ed… Eddy… I need to explain something, okay? I need to explain everything. And I need you to listen, please. Please listen to me. No one else ever has. I want someone to listen now, before I end myself, okay? So please do that for me."

"I will," he whispered, although his mind was racing, and he only barely understood what Perri had asked him to do.

 _"I have to go to her. I have to. I can save her if I just keep her talking until I get to her house. Phone book… Jones… What did she say her brother's name was…? Alfred F. Jones! It's not that far, I can get there, I can save her."_

He was out on the sidewalk in a flash, jogging toward Perri's house while trying not to drop the cell phone. And, true to his word, he listened to her.

"I've never had a friend before," she whispered. "Never, Eddy. I tried to have friends when I was little-maybe I _did_ have friends, before mom and dad died. But they died when I was six, and I'm sure I never had a friend after that. I guess I loved mom and dad a lot, or something, because Alfred says I wouldn't talk after they died. He tried to have people over, and I'd just stare at them. And… I was a weird kid, Eddy. I'd torture bugs with magnifying glasses and laugh, like those crazy kids on cartoons, the ones who are always evil. Crazy Perri, they called me. They still do call me crazy Perri, in fact. You just can't escape certain labels, can you?"

He quickened his pace when she paused, breaking into a run for a few seconds, before Perri's next words forced him to slow down again.

 _"I have to listen. I promised to listen. If she thinks I'm not listening, she'll hang up, and if she hangs up, it's all over…"_

"So, after a while, I started to slip away. I've been doing this for years; ever since I was in middle school. Slowly fading into the shadows. I used to be like you, begging for attention. But now…now I don't talk to anyone. Before you, I hadn't had a real conversation with anyone in months. Maybe years. I'd just been fading into the shadows. Watching. Trying to figure out what made me different. And there's no rhyme or reason, Eddy. I'm just…cursed. Fallen angel. Demon. Something. Something that has to suffer no matter what."

"Perri…"

"Hush, Ed." Her voice was impatient, almost eager, but sad and lonely too.

 _"How did I not see this before? She left so many clues. And none of us noticed. Not even me, and I should have. I was right there this whole time. I should have noticed. I could have helped her. I have to get there in time. Please let me get there in time."_

"So when I figured out that there was no reason for me to feel like this," Perri said, "I decided I was going to have to die. Because, you know…I _could_ have been like everyone else. But I'm not. For some reason, I'm the kind of person who no one loves. So I started planning. I've been planning for over a year now. I planned it all so carefully…"

Her voice was growing softer, as if she was fading away right in front of him.

 _"She hasn't already done it, has she? Please, please, tell me she's not already dying…"_

"I planned so carefully," Perri said. "I thought I was ready. In fact, I was. I had the date set months ago, so I could prepare. I've been practicing. Deeper cuts every day. You should see my arms. Well… You probably will, at the funeral. If you go. Which you shouldn't. No one else will."

 _"I won't go, Perri. I refuse to let there_ be _a funeral."_

"But then, while I was practicing…planning…getting ready for the inevitable…I met you. Or, rather, I noticed you. I'd been watching you for a while already. It was obvious how lonely you were. And I knew those kids were going to leave you eventually. And I also knew that you were better than me, Ed. You haven't been cursed the way I have. You can still live a full and happy life. I know it. But I also knew that when Tino and those other kids left you behind, you were going to need somebody. I don't know a thing about social skills, Eddy. If I taught you anything at all, well, it was just through dumb luck. But I pretended I was teaching you."

 _"She lied. She lied so she could be near me… But why? Why, if she couldn't do anything to help me or herself?"_

It was almost as if she had read his mind.

"Because my death date was coming up, and I wanted to know what it felt like to have a friend just once before I died. I wanted to know what it was like not being alone. And you know what? That was wrong of me. I've taken advantage of you, and now you're going to suffer, aren't you? You care too much, Ed. I shouldn't have told you I would help you when I can't even help myself. I'm…sorry. None of this is fair to you. Except, well… No, I take it back. It _is_ fair to you."

 _"How is this fair, Perri? How is any of this fair to you or to me?"_

"You won't have me holding you back forever. You can go on. Make new friends. Maybe there are other people like me, hanging out on the fringes. And maybe some of those people can still be saved. I can't. But maybe someone else can. So, stupid, pathetic Eduard, you need to go and be their friend. Make them feel not so alone. There are still others out there who can be saved. But I'm not one of those people."

 _"But you never gave me the chance to save you, Perri! Not until now, not until it might already be too late. Damn. I could have helped. I'm worthless to the world, but if a friend who wouldn't leave was what you needed, then I could have helped! I'm far too clingy, I know that… You know that. I wouldn't have abandoned you. You have to know that. Why didn't you give me a chance? Are you giving me a chance now? Please, Perri… Don't go."_

She never gave him a chance to speak, her words following him as he traversed the darkened streets. He was close now, so close, only a few blocks away from her address. But her voice was growing ever softer, sadder, and he knew that time was running out. He could not move fast enough, could not run without the risk of dropping his phone and losing the all-important connection. If he lost the connection, Perri would surely die before he got there to save her.

He could hear tears in her next words, and nearly stopped dead in the middle of the sidewalk, shocked by how young she sounded.

 _"She sounds so weak and vulnerable and scared and… Damn it, Perri! I would have saved you if you had asked me to. I can do that, you know. I'm sure I could have helped. Why didn't you ask for help?"_

"I'm not someone you can save, Eddy," Perri whispered, her voice choked with tears. "But you did make me happy. You couldn't save me-it's far too late for that. But you made me happy for a little while. These last few weeks have been…not better, exactly… But there've been a few moments when I've laughed, and I've really meant it. It's been a long time since I've laughed happily like that. So… Thank you, Eduard. Thank you for making me feel better for a little while. It was nice to have a little bit of light around, here at the end."

"It could get lighter, Perri!" Eduard shouted, finally finding his voice. "It doesn't have to all end just when it was starting to get better!"

He could see her house ahead of him, and he finally allowed himself to run. He would be with her in a moment. There was still time. He could save her now; he was so close…

She laughed in his ear, a haunting sound full of pain and bitterness.

"I'm not going to take that gamble, Eduard," she said. "I'm not going to pretend that things will get better. I know they won't. It's too late for me. I've given myself too many second chances already…there's no point in trying again, only to fail."

"Perri. Please. I'm right outside your house. Just open the door. Let me in. Let me help. Please, Perri. I don't want you to die."

His next words sounded so childish, so pathetic, and they must have seemed worthless to a girl who did not believe in friendship, but only believe in lies and hate.

"You're my only friend."

"I know, Eddy. That's why I have to go. I'm not going to let you be cursed too. All who come too close to me get frozen…or burned, whichever you like. You don't want that. I don't want that for you. So, goodbye."

"Perri!"

"And thank you."

" _Perri_!"


	13. Hopeless

**Hey, guys! So, to those who don't already know, I'm going to be updating Invisible weekly from now on. I may move the updates to Fridays, or keep them on Mondays, depending on what is easier for you guys. In addition, Written in Blood will be resuming the first week in January, so watch for that. :)**

 **Now, considering Hinotori-hime messaged me literally as soon as I got out of school to tell me to update, I assume you've all already skipped to the chapter. xD I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Chapter Thirteen: Hopeless

Eduard screamed when the line went dead, screamed for Perri as if his cries would make her reconsider. He knew they would not, and he ran the last few steps to Perri's house, running at the front door and beating it with his fists, then kicking it, harder and harder as his desperate pleas went unheard and unanswered.

He nearly fell flat on his face when the door was thrown open, but caught himself, coming face to face with a stranger, a tall, blond young man. Judging from the stranger's cowlick, which stuck up exactly as Perri's did, this man was none other than her brother, Alfred.

"Who are you?" Alfred asked, rubbing his eyes. "What do you want? It's really too late for this, kid…"

"I'm sorry for the intrusion, sir," Eduard said, clenching his fists.

 _"I want to hurt him. I want to rip him apart. This is all his fault, all of it… From what Perri told me, this man is to blame for what she's done to herself now. I want to kill him…"_

"I'm friends with your sister," he said. "She… I…"

"My sister?" Alfred said blankly. "I…uh… Oh! You're friends with Perri? Are you her boyfriend?"

"No!" Eduard snapped. "I am not her boyfriend, and it took you _forty-seven seconds_ to remember that you had a sister! Perri is trying to commit suicide! Now let me in so I can do what you obviously haven't!"

"What are you going to do that I haven't?" Alfred asked. "And are you even sane? How old are you? How do I know you know Perri? And she wouldn't kill herself-she's perfectly happy!"

"You know nothing!" Eduard roared. His voice, usually soft and polite, had grown so loud that even Alfred flinched. "When was the last time you gave her lunch money? When was the last time you bought her clothes? Took her out to eat? Took her to the doctor, who would have helped her? When was the last time you did any of that? When was the last time you acted as an older brother should?"

Alfred stared at him, blue eyes wide and unfocused. Eduard fought the urge to slap the man, to scream that Perri was running out of time, that she might be dead even now. He wanted to scream, but it would do no good, and he knew it very well. So he waited for Alfred's response.

"Fine," Alfred said quietly. "I think she's okay the way she is. She knows she can ask if she needs anything. I mean, why wouldn't she just ask for lunch money or clothes or whatever? She knows I'd give it to her. But, fine. You can go and see if she's okay."

"You're coming with me," Eduard said.

The madness that had once scared Gilbert must have been in his eyes now, for Alfred Jones obeyed him without question, leading him silently up the stairs to Perri's room. Eduard followed impatiently, only to be held back again outside Perri's room as Alfred pushed open the door and then stopped dead, staring.

"Oh my _God_ …"

"Let me through," Eduard hissed. "And call the goddamn ambulance."

Alfred backed away without question, eyes wide, glazed over with shock and fear, but no remorse.

 _"It will take more than just that for him to see what he's done to her."_

Eduard entered the room slowly, head down. He did not want to look at her, he realized, because he was afraid that it was too late. It probably was too late. She was probably already gone.

But when he looked up, he saw that she was still breathing, though her breaths came soft, pained, and shallow. She lay on the bed in the center of her room, a room which looked as if Perri herself must have painted it, for it was black as night. The bedspread was naturally the exact color of fresh blood, and Eduard thought that Perri must have done it purposefully, knowing that she would bleed time and time again while sitting on the edge of this bed.

 _"Is this where she did it, then? This whole time, has she been hurting herself, right here in plain sight? And her brother never even saw…"_

He went to her, slowly, as if in a dream. His mind told him to stop the bleeding, but he stood and stared vacantly at her for several precious minutes. She was very pale, cold to the touch, and her bare arms were terribly scarred. He had never seen her arms before.

"How long has it been since you've let someone see your arms?" he whispered. "Perri, I could have helped…"

 _"She's been suffering so much. And you…you selfish little boy, what did you do about it? You allowed her to 'help' you, while she was killing herself. She was dying alone…and I did nothing."_

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. He knelt beside her, removed his jacket and then his t-shirt, and began tearing the shirt into strips. He did not know what to do, really, but he pressed the torn strips to Perri's wounds and tried to make the blood stop pouring from her brutalized arms. He had never seen wounds so deep, and he wondered how she had managed to keep from accidentally killing herself before.

 _"She had a plan. And she stuck to it. Perri, why do you have to be so calculating? Why can't you just let someone help you?"_

She stirred, whimpering, and he laid one freshly bloodied hand on her head, stroking her hair.

"Alfred's calling the ambulance. Stay here, Perri. Please stay here. Don't go. Please. You're my best friend. I'll do anything for you if you stay. Perri…if you stay here…I'll save you. You want a hero, don't you? Alfred might not be your hero, but…you're my friend! I'll be your hero! Just don't leave me alone!"

Her breathing came slower, shallower, and Eduard's hands became ever redder as he tried to stop her from bleeding. Alfred came back, but Eduard would not let him come near, halting the man in the doorway with a few words.

"Don't you come near her. Damn you, Alfred Jones. You've killed her. She's dying. You made her do this. All she wanted was for you to love her. Look at what you've done. Didn't you say you would be her hero?"

When he heard the sirens in the distance, Eduard von Bock looked over at Alfred Jones, and saw that he was crying.

 _"Wake up, Perri. Your big brother is crying for you."_

* * *

The ambulance came, they took Perri away, and Eduard could do nothing but stand there and stare and hope that she would be okay.

"You have to go to the hospital," he said to Alfred, as they stood in the driveway watching the ambulance pull away, sirens blaring. "It's your duty as an older brother. Go to the hospital for her."

"I'm going," Alfred said. His voice was very quiet now, almost as if all his jovial, haphazard casualness had been beaten out of him by this single event. "You can't come, though. It's midnight. Your parents are gonna be looking for you, and they won't let you see Perri anyways. You're not a family member."

"I'm damn better family than you are," Eduard hissed.

Alfred looked away, blue eyes clouding over.

"I know. I'm a shit older brother. I'll tell her so if she makes it."

 _"If."_

"She's going to make it!" Eduard snapped, turning on Alfred. "She's going to be okay!"

"I didn't say she wasn't going to make it," Alfred said. "I just…she was bleeding really bad, okay? I don't know if she's gonna be okay. But if she makes it, I promise I'll treat her right. Or…they might take her away. If they take her away, there's nothing I can-"

"If you apologize to her," Eduard said, "if you stop ignoring and abandoning her, she won't tell them anything that could reflect badly on you. All she wanted was your love. Remember that, and don't ever do what you did to her to anyone else, ever again."

He thought that Alfred Jones seemed rather like a lost, confused child for a moment, a lost child who did not know what he was supposed to do, or how to begin finding out what he ought to do.

"I don't know what I did," he said. "I've never known how to raise a kid. I thought she'd tell me if I was doing it wrong, I thought she'd ask…"

"She didn't know how to ask for help," Eduard said. "No one ever taught her that, either. You…you'd better shape up, or she'll try this again. If she even has a chance to try again, that is."

"You need to go home," Alfred said. "You're crying."

"I'm crying because I have feelings, unlike you!" Eduard snapped. "Get out of my sight!"

Alfred recoiled, eyes wide and fearful, and again Eduard thought that the man looked like a lost child.

 _"Lost…just as Perri is, and yet in an entirely different way. He's so lost…and yet he's not. He's an adult who has every chance in this world, but doesn't understand how to take care of a child. And perhaps he never understood that he did not understand."_

"Go the hospital," he said quietly. "Go to Perri. And please…call me. No matter what happens, I need to know. Now go."

Alfred nodded, but Eduard did not leave even then. Instead he stood silent in the driveway until Alfred pulled out and drove away into the darkness. And then he stood alone in the night, face lifted to the stars, and cried for Perri Jones, whom he believed was beyond help. He did not know for certain, but he believed that this night was Perri's last. He had never seen someone bleed that much before.

And as he stood there in the darkness, he decided that if his best friend could not live, then neither could he. He was not willing to start over, was not willing to go through life alone again, striving for friends who would never stay. He had already lost Tino, although that loss was not so agonizing as this one. Tino was still alive; Tino was still happy, without him. But Perri was dying, might already have died, and that was entirely different from what had happened between him and Tino.

 _"She's the only friend I have. And she's been suffering all this time, and what did I do? I made her help_ me _, over and over again, when she was slowly killing herself. I never considered what she might be feeling. I…I don't deserve to live…do I?"_

His head raised to the sky, tears streaming down his face, Eduard screamed at the sky.

"You didn't have to kill her just to show me that I'm worthless!"

His sobs went unheard, both by the neighbors and by whatever invisible deity he held responsible for what had happened.

"I know that already! I've known that for a long time! There are better ways to prove it to me! You… Damn! Damn it all! Damn _me_!"

The heavens did not answer him, and so Eduard von Bock decided that if heaven would not end him, he would have to end himself.

 _"I'm not going to start over again. I refuse. I'm not going to be a pathetic friend to anyone else. I won't even allow a chance of that to continue. This is my ending_ and _Perri's. Tonight."_


	14. Raivis and Eduard

Chapter Fourteen: Raivis and Eduard

Eduard went home as if in a daze, the darkness both in his mind and in the streets screaming at him, mocking him and berating him for his inexcusable selfishness.

 _"I'm selfish. Perri has been suffering since before I met her, and I was utterly wrapped up in my own selfish 'pain'. I… Was Tino suffering too? Was I too blind to see it? Did I hurt Tino? I…I must have been holding him back for so long, dragging him down with my own worthlessness. I've hurt them both, I've utterly failed to help Perri, and now…she's probably dead, or dying. I don't believe Alfred will really call me, and even if he does…there's no way she's alive. Even though she deserves to be alive after all she's suffered, she won't be. There is_ no such thing _as a happy ending. She said that all who came near her would be cursed, but, in fact, I think it was I who cursed her, who cursed Tino and my parents. I've been selfish; how do I know I won't be so selfishly, stupidly blind again? I can't start over. I…can't. I'm going to die. I can't ignore anyone's pain if I'm dead. And I can't cause them pain, either."_

He stood at his desk and contemplated how he ought to do the deed. His mind whispered cruelly to him, and he believed the whispers of his own sadness and knew that he would have to die. He went through his options in his mind, finally settling on the method most accessible, a method far less painful (he thought) than Perri's.

He snuck back downstairs, out to the tool shed, and returned with a coil of rope. All this time, despite his frantic comings and goings, his parents did not stir, and the whispers in his mind told him that they were awake, but that they were smiling and ready to see him gone. They would come and watch in the doorway, and they would laugh as he died.

He wondered why his mind plagued him so, wondered if that, too, was part of a curse laid on him as a child. He wondered if he _had_ been cursed, or if he was simply unlucky.

 _"Am I evil? Cursed? Unlucky? Whatever I am…whatever made me so selfish…I'm not going to let myself be this way any longer."_

He pushed his desk chair over to the center of the room, and began tying the rope to the ceiling fan.

 _"I don't weigh much. I'm sure it will hold me. And even if it doesn't…well, I'll find another way. Any way to leave this world behind, to make sure that I can never hurt anyone…and that no one can hurt me…ever again."_

* * *

Raivis knelt at his window, watching Eduard. He was not sure what the blond boy was doing, but it looked quite interesting, and possibly dangerous, which made him worry.

 _"I don't know why he wants to tie that thing to the fan, but it doesn't seem like it would be very good for him to do it…he's never done it before, and… Eddy's crying. Eddy's crying again. He's been crying not as much since Perri came, but now he's crying again… Did something happen? I hope something didn't happen, especially not to Perri. Perri's very beautiful, so nothing bad can happen to her. But then why is Eddy crying? Maybe something happened to his Mommy or his Daddy…? But I saw them come home earlier…"_

As Raivis watched Eduard, as he tried to imagine Eduard's tears away, the older boy turned toward the window. Before Raivis could duck away, their eyes met, and Eduard's tear-filled eyes widened with something that looked like both surprise and fear. The tall boy got off the chair, left the rope hanging from the ceiling fan, and came over to the window.

Raivis knew that he should run, hide, pretend that he had never been there at all. But Eduard had noticed him at last; Eduard had come to talk to him. And this was the thing he had been longing for ever since he laid eyes on Eduard.

Eduard pushed his window open, and Raivis, as if in a dream, did the same.

* * *

Eduard thought the little boy in the window next door must be a ghost. There was something entirely unearthly about this child, so tiny and pale, with wispy hair curling about his head. Added to the fact that there had never been a child in the house next door prior to this night, it made sense that the strange little boy was not of this world.

However, the little boy seemed awfully clumsy for a ghost, as he nearly smashed his own fingers trying to open the window.

"Don't hurt yourself," Eduard murmured.

 _"Can ghosts hurt themselves?"_

"It's okay," the little boy said. "I've had my fingers smashed a lot of times. They get better."

The boy's hands were shaking as he drew them back inside, and Eduard began to wonder if he was really a ghost, or if he might perhaps be a real human boy.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Raivis," the boy said. "And you're Eduard, aren't you?"

Eduard nodded.

"Yes. I'm Eduard."

"I've been calling you Eddy inside my head," Raivis said. "I-is that okay?"

 _"Perri called me Eddy earlier tonight, when she was telling me why she had to kill herself."_

"Eddy's fine," he said. "Ah… Are you a ghost?"

Raivis cocked his head, looking quite confused.

"I'm a monster, I think," he said. "Are ghosts monsters?"

"Of a sort," Eduard asked. "But you…you're not dead?"

"What is dead?" asked Raivis.

"How do you not know what death is?" Eduard snapped. "Death is when someone goes cold and stops moving and speaking! Death is when people don't wake up anymore! Death sometimes involves a lot of blood, as it did in the instance of one of my friends' attempted suicide, but I bet you don't even know what suicide is, do you?"

He would have continued, but he saw how frightened Raivis looked, noticed for the first time that the little boy's face was heavily bruised, and fell silent.

 _"I don't know what he might be suffering-or, if he's a ghost, what he might have suffered. I can't…I can't be cruel to him just because he doesn't know what death is."_

"I'm sorry," he said, far more quietly. "I… My best friend tried to kill herself tonight."

"'Kill' means…?"

"It means when someone tries to make someone else die," Eduard said. "Except… Perri…did it to herself."

Raivis gasped, eyes wide as saucers.

"Perri's not going to wake up anymore? But Perri needs to wake up! Perri's beautiful!"

"How do you know Perri?" Eduard asked. "For that matter, how do you know me?"

"I watch you," Raivis whispered. "From the window. I've been doing it for…since you came to this place."

"You've been watching me for five years?" Eduard murmured. Raivis opened his mouth, then closed it again.

"I don't know years," the little boy whispered finally, looking away and refusing to meet Eduard's eyes. "I'm a bad boy, so I'm not allowed to go learn things like 'death' and 'years'."

"Who says you can't learn those things?" Eduard asked.

Raivis looked visibly terrified for a moment, glancing wildly into the dark house behind him.

"D-d-doesn't matter," he whimpered. "But I can't go outside. So I watch you. Is it okay?"

"Of course it's okay," Eduard said. "You're not doing me any harm by watching."

"T-thank you, Eddy," Raivis said. His smile was so soft, childish, warm… Eduard didn't think he had ever seen someone smile like that before. It was a smile that defied even the most terrible sadness and pain, and it was beautiful.

 _"Really, he's quite beautiful even when he's not smiling,"_ Eduard thought. _"But…is he even real?"_

"Hey, Eddy?" Raivis was looking at him again, wide, violet eyes warm and hopeful. "W-will you tell me if Perri wakes up again?"

He bit his lip, hard, glanced back at the rope on the ceiling fan and remembered what he had been planning to do.

 _"But this little kid has been watching me for a long time. And if Perri doesn't make it…he seems like a very lonely little kid. He doesn't seem to have any friends. He'd never have to know how selfish and horrible I am…and…Alfred hasn't called yet. Maybe Perri's still alive. Maybe there's a chance…"_

"All right, Raivis," he said. "I'll do that."

The little boy smiled softly, like an angel, and Eduard decided that if Raivis was a ghost, he was not just a wandering spirit, but an angel sent from heaven.

 _"Do they send angels to lonely souls, to save them? If so…why didn't an angel save Perri?"_

"Thank you," Raivis said. "Can I ask one other question? What were you doing with that thing and the ceiling fan?"

Eduard glanced back again and knew that he would not be killing himself tonight.

"Nothing, Raivis," he said, smiling. "I wasn't doing anything that you need to worry about. Just fooling around."

"You're not going to go to sleep and never wake up, right?" Raivis asked, eyebrows scrunching together in a childishly worried manner.

"No," Eduard said. "I'm not. I promise."

Raivis was starting to look sleepy, his curly head leaning on the windowsill.

"You're beautiful, Eddy," he murmured tiredly. "So beautiful… Even more beautiful than you were when I was watching you…"

The little boy closed his eyes, and Eduard smiled at the sleepy little angel, leaning on the windowsill and looking for all the world like an innocent, if otherworldly child.

"How am I beautiful?" he asked. "And why do you talk as if everyone but yourself is beautiful? Aren't you an angel?"

But Raivis was asleep, and did not answer him. So Eduard closed the window and went to bed. He did not forget Perri, but he glanced outside once or twice and found comfort in the image of a tiny angel boy who did not know the meaning of death or years. Eduard wondered then if angels forgot all the world's pain, if he had done something cruel in explaining death to Raivis. But then he thought that Raivis was a very small angel, and that perhaps his soul had gone to heaven before he was able to learn about cruel things like death and pain and what it meant to grow up.

He thought also about Perri, and wondered if she would become an angel too. And then he wondered why Raivis had no wings.

Sometime in the long, painful night after his best friend's suicide attempt, Eduard stopped wondering, and fell asleep. And when he awoke the next morning, Raivis was still asleep at his window, golden hair gleaming in the light of an early dawn.

* * *

Raivis had never been so frightened as he was when he woke up and found himself still in front of the open window. He would not have been so afraid had it not been for the icy hands on his shoulders, hands that spoke of pain and suffering to come.

"I wanted to look at the stars," he whispered.

"I've told you about opening windows, Raivis," his mother said. "Your reason does not matter-you opened the window, regardless of the reason."

"If I was going to have to be dead or open the window, could I open the window?" Raivis asked.

"Where did you learn about death, Raivis?" his mother asked pleasantly, although her voice was still terribly cold behind the pleasant tone.

"You told me, Mommy," Raivis said, fighting the urge to tell her to hit him for his lies. "You told me about dying."

"I don't remember that," his mother murmured. "You haven't been talking to anyone, have you, Raivis?"

 _"I'm so stupid. I mustn't tell though, even though I am very stupid. Eduard mustn't get in trouble because of me. So I'll play stupid and Mommy will hit me and then she will go away."_

"How could I talk to anyone, Mommy?" he asked. "You don't ever let me go outside."

"That's not an answer, Raivis!"

She hit him, and he felt an overwhelming urge to hit her back, to fight, to scream and cry and tell her how much he hated her for locking him inside, for condemning him to such a dark existence. He wanted to tell her that he wanted nothing more than to go outside and play with Eduard, to go and visit Perri, to make sure she was all right. He could do none of these things, and it was his mother's fault. Or, at least, she was the only person he knew to blame.

But he closed his eyes, clenched his tiny fists, and took the abuse, knowing that she would stop sooner if he did not fight or scream. She liked to hear his screams, liked to see him struggle, but she did not like it if he sat there, limp and unfeeling as she hit him.

When she tired of hurting him, he still did not open his eyes, lying motionless with his back to the window, tears dripping from behind his shuddering eyelids.

 _"Mommy… I'm so tired of you hurting me. I think if you stopped hurting me, maybe I'd have enough energy to help someone. Maybe…if you'd let me outside…Perri wouldn't be maybe-dead. Eduard wouldn't be sad. Maybe I could have helped. But I can't…because you never let me outside. I've never even had a chance in this world…never had a chance…to be beautiful."_

He heard the front door bang shut, and knew that his mother was gone. Then, and only then, did Raivis open his eyes, only then did he allow himself to look around again and survey the damage to his body.

He could see very little damage, but he also could not see his own face, and was certain that it was already beginning to bruise. Painfully, Raivis crawled back through the boxes to the door, where there was a mirror propped up against the wall. (His mother had put it there long ago, to remind him of his ugliness.)

He did not see a child in the mirror. He saw something with bruises and scars across its face, and thought again that he had never even been given a chance to be beautiful.

 _"Eddy and Perri have no scars,"_ he thought. _"They are beautiful. The beautiful ones don't have any scars or bruises… But I've always had bruises, because Mommy's always been hitting me."_

"You never even gave me a chance," he whispered, as he knelt staring into the mirror. "Why, Mommy? Why couldn't you have at least given me one chance to be beautiful?"


	15. Hold On

Chapter Fifteen: Hold On

Eduard went through the next day in a daze, lonely and in pain and waiting for a call that he feared would never come. He walked alone through the halls of the high school, sat alone in class, always aware of the empty seat next to him or behind him or across the room from him.

He had never realized how much of a void Perri Jones left when she was absent, but he saw that void now and had to fight tears through all the classes he had with her.

Lunch was worst, because he had to sit alone at that corner table, look out over the lunchroom, and hear her voice in his head no matter where he looked. She had been thorough in her critique of their schoolmates, and now that she was gone, the echoes of her voice remained.

And there was Tino, a table over, watching him in a questioning manner. Eduard wondered if the Finnish boy would let him rejoin the group now, but the moment the thought crossed his mind, he turned away, biting back sobs.

 _"Perri came to me after Tino abandoned me, and the moment she's gone, I think about going back. What kind of a horrible person am I? How much more horrid and selfish can I be?"_

Several people-outcasts like himself and Perri-asked him where she was, but he made no reply, merely shook his head and tried to look appropriately mystified. He would not be the one to start the rumor that Perri had committed suicide.

When school was over, he climbed into his mother's car and felt all the energy drain from him. His ability to pretend that he did not know that Perri had tried to kill herself was gone.

"Take me to the hospital," he said dully. "Let me try to see Perri. I need to know…"

His mother turned to him, her face questioning, and he remembered that he had not told her or his father what had happened, had not told them that Perri might be dead.

"What happened to her, Ed?" his mother asked.

"She tried to kill herself," Eduard whispered, his voice still sounding lifeless even to him. "Please take me to see her. I have to see her. I need to know she'll be okay. Please, mom… Just take me to see her."

His mother said nothing, but as she pulled away from the curb, Eduard saw that they were heading in the direction of the hospital.

"Thank you," he said.

"Oh, Ed," his mother said. "Why don't you keep to your normal friends?"

 _"Because normal people do not wish to be with people who are different, mother. And I am far too different. I may possibly be cursed, as well, as Perri may be. It is no wonder we found each other. But…why do I have to lose my friend? Please let her be alive."_

They pulled up in front of the hospital, and Eduard's mother unlocked the doors, but did not move.

"I'll wait for you," she said. "If you'll be all right, that is."

"I'll be fine," Eduard said.

 _"She's so distant from me now. What did I do? Has it always been like this…or did I do something to deserve her coldness? Maybe it's because I'm not 'good enough'. She said that she disapproves of my friendship with Perri. She'll have to continue disapproving. If Perri lives… I'll never give her up."_

He walked across the parking lot to the hospital, noting with a sort of bitter happiness that the leaves had fallen from the trees, that the whole world had turned grey. Winter was coming.

 _"Winter comes to the world just as it does to the hearts of men. So, Perri, spring's going to come again, I think. Someday, spring has to come again. I've never been a hopeful person, but…I talked to an angel last night. Angels do exist, and an angel has been watching me and Perri. Raivis-if he is an angel-will make sure that spring comes again for us. So, Perri…you have to wake up."_

He entered the hospital and walked straight to the front desk, ignoring the stares of both older adults and small children, all of whom seemed confused by the entrance of a lone high school student.

He was only a few steps from the desk when he felt a hand touch his arm, and, turning, he beheld Alfred Jones, who had a cup of coffee in his other hand.

"She's not awake yet," Alfred said. "I told you I'd call you if anything changed."

"But you didn't," Eduard retorted. "How was I to know you really planned to call me? How was I to know you weren't utterly repulsed by Perri's choice in friends?"

"I think you'd be a pretty decent guy if you weren't always yelling," Alfred said. He sounded exhausted, and Eduard noted with satisfaction that the blond man probably had not gotten much sleep the night before.

"I would attempt to display the same courtesy," Eduard murmured coldly. "But I hardly think you deserving, under the circumstances."

"Yeah," Alfred said, suddenly very interested in the floor under his feet. "I… Yeah. I'm not getting any compliments for a while now."

"I'm glad you've realized it," Eduard said.

He turned to go, but then, suddenly, Alfred had a tighter grip on his arm, desperate intensity in his electric blue eyes.

"Tell me about her," he said. "You knew her, right? You really knew Perri? I obviously didn't. Please, tell me about her. I-if she doesn't wake up… I might not ever get another chance to know my sister. Please tell me about her!"

Eduard stared at Alfred for a long moment, wondering if he ought to wait, if he ought to ask Perri before he told her darkest secrets to the brother who had unknowingly hurt her.

 _"There may not be a chance for me to ask Perri…and she will surely refuse to tell, even if there is a chance. But Alfred needs to know, so he can help Perri if she lives. So I will tell him."_

"Let me text my mother," he said. "This could take a while."

His mother's reply was quick and sharp, a mere ' _OK call me when done'_. When he had received his answer, Eduard joined Alfred in a corner of the hospital waiting room. There, as Alfred sipped his coffee, Eduard told the older man all he knew about Perri. Above all, he spoke of what she had said about Alfred, and as he talked, Alfred's expression drained of what little carelessness he had had left after such a long night. Eduard watched Alfred's expression, and wondered if that was how it looked when a child was drained of the innocence it had cherished for much of its life. He wondered how it was that Alfred Jones, a man at least ten years his senior, could possibly be so childish as to treat a child as if it were a creature independent of the need for love and comfort.

"I'm so stupid," Alfred whispered when Eduard finished. The tall man's face was white and drawn as he stared down at the table, his coffee cup forgotten, but still in his shaking hands. "Someone should've taken her away from me."

"She looked after herself just enough that no one noticed what you hadn't done," Eduard said. "She was always good at that, wasn't she? At caring for herself, covering up for you?"

"She was good enough that I never even thought about the possibility that I wasn't doing enough for her," Alfred said. "I…she's been living with me since she was six. I did okay at the beginning, really, but then…"

He trailed off, looking up at Eduard, his eyes sad and guilty behind his glasses.

"There's no time for excuses now, is there?" he asked. "I've already done all the harm I can do to her."

"No," Eduard said, clenching his fists. "You're wrong about that. You can't make excuses-that'll do no good. But you will hurt her if you're not there for her when she wakes up. So be there for her! You can be her brother! She's become more adult than you, you know, caring for herself the way she has. But the fact is, Perri is still a child! And you're her guardian! So when she wakes up, you take care of her! And if they try to take her away from you, you fight! Show her-and the world-that you can be the older brother she deserves! And if it's hard…if she hates you so much that you think it's hopeless…remember her on the day you first gained custody of her! What was she like then?"

"A little girl with lonely eyes," Alfred said, his voice a broken whisper. "She was a little girl with lonely eyes."

"Then remember that," Eduard said. "When she wakes up, remember the little girl with lonely eyes…and be a better brother, for her memory!"

"For her memory?" Alfred echoed.

"Yes," Eduard said, and for a moment, it was as if he was back on the sidewalk all those years ago, watching Gilbert and the others run away.

"You can't save that little girl," he said. "She's already been broken and destroyed. But a new version remains. Perri's shattered, yes, but…she's not completely gone yet. The child you had a chance to save in her entirety is gone, irrecoverable and irreplaceable. There is nothing we can do to change that. But the shattered pieces remain, and some of those pieces…"

He remembered Perri's wild laughter, her cunning smile. He remembered the way she spoke, the way she carried herself, with a confidence that defied the existence of the frightened little girl whom she had hidden inside of her.

"Some of those pieces are beautiful! And you and I-we've got to save those pieces of Perri! She trusts me. I'm her best friend. And you're her brother! It's up to us! When Perri wakes up, we've got to save her! No one else can!"

"All right," Alfred said. "But you're gonna have to help me. I don't…I don't know anything about kids."

"The first thing you need to know," Eduard said, "is that children hate to be left alone. More than anything else, children need love. And you, as Perri's guardian, are the person whom she will most look to for that love! So when she wakes up, love her! No matter what! No matter if she decides she hates you, you still have to love her!"

He had not realized that he was shouting, but he looked around now and saw that the hospital staff were staring at him disapprovingly from behind their desk, that the other patrons were looking at him and Alfred.

He lowered his voice and looked straight at Alfred, making sure that his words would carry to the older man, that they would penetrate deeply into Alfred's heart.

"I am told that real families love each other. You are Perri's blood brother; her family. It is your duty to love and protect your family unconditionally. When you took guardianship of Perri, you made a promise never to abandon her. Now, atone for your faults…and never leave a child alone again."

* * *

Eduard left the hospital after texting his mother again, feeling at least partially reassured that Alfred would try harder to take care of Perri when she woke up.

 _"If she wakes up. There's always the question of if she will wake up at all. But if she does…then I think Alfred will take care of her. And I'll help. I'll help her get better. There's got to be a way for her to get better, and I'll find it. I swear I will. I'll fix her. Maybe she can't be restored completely, but…it's like I told Alfred. Some parts of her can be saved. And I will work to save those parts, even if she cannot be made perfect again. She can be made 'better'. And I will help her."_

He found his mother waiting in the car, her head bent over her cell phone. She took the wheel without a word, and they drove home in silence. Eduard had never seen his mother so grim, but he did not have long to wonder what had caused her to feel this way.

"Eduard," his mother said as they pulled into their driveway. "What was that rope? The one hanging from your ceiling fan?"

 _"Stupid, worthless idiot. How could you forget about that?"_

"I was going to- I'm not going to do it," he said. "I was going to, but I'm not now."

" _Why,_ Eduard?" his mother asked, and in her eyes Eduard saw no understanding, no warmth, but only confusion and, perhaps, blame.

 _"She blames me?"_

"It doesn't matter now," he said. "I'm staying alive. At least until I find out what's going to become of Perri, I won't allow myself to die."

 _"And there's an angel in the next house over, his name is Raivis, and he doesn't want me to die. And although I have hurt many people in the past, I don't want to hurt anyone else anymore, especially not an angel."_

"Ed," his mother said. "How did you become friends with this Perri girl? Whatever happened to Tino?"

"Tino moved on," Eduard said, suddenly angry. "As all those who are whole and happy do, he became tired of me and moved on! But do you know something, Mom? Perri Jones sought me out! She'd been watching me even before I needed a friend, and when she saw me alone, she took me as a friend! Perri needs me now. Tino doesn't n-need me… He never has."

He was shaking, and there were tears running down his face, and all his mother did was stare as he climbed out of the car and ran into the house. And his mind pounded with the things he had known all along, but had never dared to fully acknowledge before.

 _"All along, she's been critical of you. She was happy enough when you were with Tino, because he was 'normal'. But now that my best friend is a girl who tried to kill herself, she shows how disappointed she is in me. She…has she ever been there for me?"_

He ran up to his room and threw himself on the bed, sobbing.

The rope was still hanging from the ceiling fan.

* * *

 **SO. A quick update on...well, updates.**

 **As most of you know, _Written in Blood_ will resume this Friday evening/Saturday morning. Due to certain happenings in my life, I will be updating both _Written in Blood_ and _Invisible_ biweekly starting Friday or Saturday. This week I'll update WiB, and the following week I will update this story, then back to WiB again. When I've finished _Invisible_ , I may or may not go to updating Written in Blood weekly. (I do, however, plan to put WiB on a definite weekly update for the summer months, regardless of what else I decide.)**

 **I hope all of that won't inconvenience any of you (if it does, don't hesitate to complain), and I hope you continue to enjoy my stories! :)**


	16. Broken Angel

Chapter Sixteen: Broken Angel

When Eduard stopped crying, he looked up and found Raivis sitting at the window of the next house over, watching him. The tiny boy looked extremely concerned, and Eduard swiped a hand across his face, trying to hide the tears, although he knew Raivis had already seen them, and went over to the window.

He threw his window open eagerly, barely feeling the cold November air. He had not realized until now how much he had been wanting to talk to Raivis, how much he needed someone to talk to now, even if that someone was only a ghost or an angel.

"You were crying," Raivis said. "That is the word?"

Eduard nodded.

"Yes, that's the word. And yes, I was crying."

"Why?" Raivis asked, pale violet eyes wide with childish anxiety. "Can I fix it? I'll fix it if you tell me how!"

"I don't think it can be fixed," Eduard said tiredly, leaning on the windowsill. "My mother…well…she doesn't want to listen to me. And it's incredibly selfish and childish of me to be upset about that, now, but…she's my mother. She's supposed to be there for me."

"What is it like to have a mommy who is 'there for you'?" Raivis asked.

"I don't know, Raivis," Eduard said. "I think it's having someone who will always pick you up when you're sad, who will hold you and protect you even if they don't understand your sadness. That would be an ideal mother, I think."

"Oh," Raivis said. "I guess my Mommy isn't here for me, then. Your mommy seems sad, Eduard. Why is your mommy sad? My Mommy is sad too, but she's angry-sad, and your mommy is…sort of angry-sad, but not quite."

"Who's your mother, Raivis?" Eduard asked, keeping his voice quiet. "Why are you in that house? You…you _are_ dead, aren't you?"

"I have not gone to sleep and not woken up!" Raivis squeaked, eyes widening. "Why would you say that, Eddy? I'm not dead!"

The tiny boy looked so panicked by the thought of his own death that Eduard could not help reassuring him, although he was still more than a bit skeptical about Raivis' actual, physical existence on earth.

"All right, I'm sorry," he said. "But, if you're alive…why don't you ever come outside?"

Raivis suddenly refused to look at him, and Eduard realized, trying to make eye contact with the little boy, that there were more bruises on Raivis' face than there had been the day before.

"Raivis… Please talk to me. I'll listen to you, if you want someone to listen. I'm here. I'll listen. No matter how sad you think your story is, it can't make me any sadder. I promise. My best friend just tried to kill herself, and she might still die. Let me help you. You're sad, aren't you? Let me help."

"You can't help me, Eddy," Raivis said. "Beautiful people aren't allowed to help people like me. Only I can help me. Except I'm n-not g-g-good enough…"

"Why aren't you good enough?" Eduard asked. "Who told you that?"

Raivis looked absolutely terrified of attempting to answer such a question, and as Eduard opened his mouth to reassure the little boy again, he heard a large crash from inside Raivis' house, almost as if someone had slammed a door against the wall in attempting to open it.

"Eddy, hide!" Raivis sobbed, his voice a terrified whisper. "Close the window and hide! She'll make me die if she knows I've talked to you, so please don't let her see you!"

Eduard almost refused, almost told Raivis that he would help him face whoever was going to hurt him. But then he saw the sheer terror on Raivis' face and knew that the tiny boy was serious, that he felt his life was really in danger.

He closed the window and drew the curtains back over it. But then, he lifted one corner of the curtain ever so slightly, blue eyes narrowing as he watched Raivis.

 _"What is he so afraid of? Who is hurting him…and why?"_

* * *

Raivis tried to close the window, but his hands were shaking so badly, and he could not make the window close, despite how hard he struggled. The tiny boy started to cry, and then, desperately, he whirled to face his mother, who was picking her way through the boxes toward him.

"Raivis."

Her voice was very hard, like her fists, and he was terrified of her.

"You've left the window open again," she said. "And you were talking. Who were you talking to, Raivis? An imaginary friend, perhaps? Foolish boy! If anyone heard you talking out your window, they would simply think you insane. They would laugh and say 'look at that ugly child, talking to the air outside his window because no one will love him'."

Something about that sentence struck Raivis, and it took him a moment to work out that there was something important in that sentence, something that his mother had indirectly admitted.

" _Mommy_. You don't love me."

"What makes you say that, Raivis?" his mother asked.

 _"She didn't say 'of course I do'. Mommy is done with playing imaginary-world in real-life-world. And so am I."_

"People who love each other cry for each other," Raivis said. "They hold each other closely, too. They hold their family in their arms until that family feels better. Mommy, you are not my 'family'. You don't love me. Y-you never have, h-have you? You lied to me, Mommy… You said you loved me and you said you'd help me, but you _lied_ …"

She grabbed him by the shoulders, shaking him, and he somehow did not feel frightened anymore. He merely felt sad, but it was not the desperate sadness that made him feel afraid that he would never be beautiful.

He still did not believe that he was beautiful, but he was not ready to accept his mother's word as the only proof of his ugliness. Eduard had spoken; Eduard had said that mothers did not act as his mother did. And so she was probably not the person to listen to in matters of beauty and ugliness. And that made him sad, because he would likely never get a chance to find out if he really was beautiful or not, trapped as he was in this house, with his mother.

"Mommy, are you ugly? Is that why you told me I was? Did you not want to be alone in ugliness?"

She slapped him in the face, and then he started to cry, screaming questions to anyone who would hear, but most of all to the woman who had hurt him all his life.

"Mommy! You have to tell me why! You have to tell me why you beat me and kicked me and made me…the word is…bleed? Why did you make me bleed the color red, Mommy? Why did you hurt me? Why did you tell me I'm ugly? I'm your child! Nobody outside does this to their children! I d-don't think I'm as ugly as you say, Mommy! Maybe I am ugly, but even if that's true, I…I want to go outside! I can't even have a chance in this world if I never go outside! Why don't I even get a chance?"

She had never kicked him so hard before, and he curled up against the wall, shaking, useless, tiny hands over his head, and let her hit him.

 _"I'm not going to live to go outside… I'm sorry, Eddy…I was going to help you…and Perri too…but I think even though Mommy didn't see you…she's going to kill me anyways. I guess…she finally got tired…of playing the game where she calls me ugly and treats me like a monster… Or did she get tired of me? If she got tired of me…I guess…I really am ugly…at least to her. A real Mommy would never get tired of a child, if they were beautiful."_

* * *

Eduard felt as if he were watching a movie, but perhaps that was not quite accurate, perhaps he was _in_ the movie. Perhaps he was the character who walks in at an ill moment, discovering their comrade's darkest secret…

Raivis' mother was attacking him, and it did not cross Eduard's mind at first that he was supposed to do something about it. Raivis' window was closed now, but he could see the tiny boy inside, backed up against the glass. Even from here, he could see Raivis shaking, and he could tell that the woman who lived in the next house-was she Raivis' mother?-was hitting the little boy.

And he did not move. He stayed at the window and watched, and wondered why Raivis had not told him.

And then the little angel boy fell forward, out of sight, but Eduard could still hear muffled screams from inside the house next door.

He realized then that he could save someone, right now. He realized that Raivis was real and alive, but that if he did not act, that might soon change. Raivis might become a memory, like all of his other memories, and he did not want that.

He ran from his room, dialing 911 as he did so, not quite knowing how it was that he could move at such a speed now, when he had not been able to do so for Perri.

"Hello?" The voice on the end of the line was that of a woman, and she sounded rather like his mother.

"Yes, hello…I…"

Eduard managed to stammer out the address of the house next to his, almost without thinking.

"And what is your concern, sir?"

"Child abuse," he managed. "Of an extremely physical nature. Please come quickly."

He hung up before the woman could ask any more questions, and darted into the house almost without thinking about what he was going to do. He had no plan, but the outline of the house was almost identical to his own, and he had no trouble finding Raivis' room. There was no one in the house besides Raivis and the woman, but Eduard could hear the screams even from the downstairs, and those screams prompted him to move ever faster, until he burst through the door of Raivis' room, colliding with a pile of boxes.

He picked himself up quickly, not bothering to look for his glasses, which had fallen to the floor in the confusion, and started through a maze of boxes toward the screams, which had suddenly stopped, having been replaced by agonized whimpers.

"Stop it," he said, finally managing to reach Raivis and the woman.

 _"Galante. That's her name. Ms. Galante-Mrs. Galante? Who is Raivis' father?"_

"Stop hitting him," he said. "Stop hitting him _right now_."

Raivis' mother laughed, her voice sweet, without a touch of malice. Raivis himself was curled up against the wall, whimpering, but he lifted his head enough to look at Eduard. He looked beyond terrified to see Eduard there.

 _"He's…never been outside…or had another human being come inside with him…has he?"_

"My dear," said Raivis' mother. "I have not been hitting this child. You are clearly delusional."

"I live next door," Eduard said hotly. "And I _saw_ you hitting him. And anyways, he told me you'd hit him before."

"Eddy," Raivis whispered. "She's going to kill me and I'm not going to wake up anymore…"

"You're going to wake up again, Raivis," Eduard said, and as he said it, he saw all trace of attempted deception drain from the little boy's mother, replaced suddenly by cold malice. He was afraid of her now, although he was taller than her, although he knew the police were coming, although he knew that they would save him and Raivis both from this woman.

"Well," she spat, "if you know all about this, let's see you do something about it! Foolish boy! Who can you tell? And why would you protect this little brat? Certainly, you have no reason to. I've seen you, you know. I've watched you all of your life, ever since Raivis first showed an interest in you, and I know that you don't have many friends. Well, let me tell you something. Those children who left you, who refused to be friends with you, were people who knew about friendship. Even knowing what friendship is, they still left you. But this boy-this creature-knows nothing about what it means to be a friend. He will abandon you as well, thinking nothing of it, because he is stupid and incapable of understanding friendship."

"He doesn't understand friendship because his mother never taught it to him," Eduard hissed. " _You_ were supposed to teach him friendship."

"He doesn't deserve it. He doesn't deserve his _life_."

"But you gave him life!" Eduard snapped. "And you think it right to abuse him as if he is your toy? He's not a toy, he's-"

"He's mine." She smiled. "And he always will be mine. I gave birth to him, I've kept him a secret, and he is mine."

"No," Eduard said. "He's human, and he does not belong to you. You're going to let him go."

"No…" Raivis' mother murmured. "I don't think I will."

"Eddy!" Raivis shrieked. "She's got a-!"

There was a knife in Eduard's arm before Raivis could finish warning him of the danger. The blond boy screamed, but Raivis screamed louder, shriller and with a much deeper agony.

"Don't! Please don't! Please, please, don't hurt him! You made him bleed red, Mommy! Stop!"

 _"Please stop,"_ Eduard's mind supplied. _"Please. It hurts."_

He looked down at his shoulder and saw blood flowing from the wound. The knife was still in there, and Raivis' mother was smiling.

He wondered if this was his worst nightmare, if perhaps there was something even worse than being alone.

* * *

Raivis had never seen someone who was not himself bleed before. He had not really known that other people could bleed, but apparently they could.

 _"Eddy's bleeding and hurting and it's my fault. It's my fault. If I had never talked to him or let him see me, this wouldn't be happening."_

"If you kill me," Eduard said, "you'll be put in jail. You can't kill me. They'll find…"

"I wouldn't leave your body here." Raivis had never heard his mother's voice so wild and high. There was something not right about it, something that truly terrified him.

"I'll put it out in the street. They'll think you were mugged. It's late, Eduard dear. No one will see me."

 _"Mommy's going to make_ Eddy _not wake up anymore."_

"Mommy, you're not allowed to!" he whispered, but she did not turn to him, and so he went to her. Eduard saw him, and Raivis locked eyes with the taller boy.

 _"Be quiet, Eddy. I'm going to help…somehow."_

"Get that knife out of Eddy, Mommy!" he shouted, pulling his mother's hair. She staggered, and then turned to him, the bloodstained knife still in her hand. And that was what he wanted.

"No more!" he screamed. "No more hurting Eddy! Y-you're only allowed to hurt me! I'm the only ugly one here!"

He grabbed at the knife blade, ignoring the way it cut into his hands as he seized it, ignoring the red that seeped from his fingers and fell to the ground. He tugged on the knife, angling it toward his chest, and his mother did not seem the least bit worried about helping him. She let him pull the knife towards his chest, smiling all the while.

"Raivis!" Eduard's voice was shaking. "Raivis, stop! What are you doing?"

"You should really run, Eddy," Raivis said. "You need to make sure you don't bleed all the red out. Bleeding all the red out will make you sick. And…it makes you not wake up anymore in the end, right? I want you to wake up always, Eddy. So you should run away."

"No," Eduard said. "I'm not going to run, Raivis. You're my friend. I'm not going to abandon my friends anymore."

Raivis had not realized how close Eduard was, nor had he had any notion of the taller boy's strength. Eduard twisted in between Raivis and his mother, pulling the knife from Raivis' grasp.

"I don't want you to die, Raivis," Eduard said. "You're my friend."

"Eddy, get away…" Raivis whispered, pushing on his friend's stomach. "You're going to get red on you!"

Eduard smiled a twisted kind of smile, a smile that looked like pain and sadness all at once.

"It's a little late for that, Raivis," he whispered. "In fact…it's much too late for that."

Eduard's hands were red, and the red spread to Raivis as the older boy put both hands on his shoulders, pushing him back against the wall.

"Sit down, Rai," Eduard murmured. "I'm going to protect you. I…promise."

Raivis could hear a sort of high-pitched screeching in the distance, and, foggily, he wondered if the screeching was for Eduard, if someone outside knew that Eduard was covered in red, slumped against the wall, shielding him.

 _"It wasn't supposed to happen like this… I was supposed to always be the only one getting hurt. Eddy, go… Run away… Wait! Please…don't close your eyes."_


	17. Toris

**It is probably worth mentioning that I know nothing about how the police force operates/how police personel are expected to behave. Therefore, everything in this chapter is likely completely inaccurate, but I did my best with what little I know.**

 **So, despite my incompetence, hopefully you'll all enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Chapter Seventeen: Toris

Toris Laurinaitis hated crime scenes. However, the chaos of such a scene was distinctly preferable to the self-hatred he would have experienced by not being there. However, considering that he was not being allowed anywhere near the crime scene at the moment, it seemed that he was going to hate both himself _and_ the chaos of the crime scene.

"Ivan!" he grumbled, trying to reason with the very large policeman who was not letting him inside the house. "I can't help anyone if you keep me out here!"

"I know that," Ivan said, wide violet eyes never moving from Toris' face. "That is why I am keeping you here until someone reports on how bad it is in there. I do not wish to see you in tears again, little Toris."

"I'm a policeman," Toris said. "This is my job."

"You have not voluntarily taken a day's vacation in _how many years_?" Ivan asked. "You do not need to stress yourself unnecessarily at this time. You have not been sleeping much… _again_."

"I'm working on an important case," Toris said. "Please, Ivan, let me go inside. I didn't come here to stand outside. If there's an injured kid, then…"

"Then I will see how injured the child is, and _then_ I might allow you to speak with it," Ivan said. "Until then, stay here and keep the neighbors from coming in and disturbing things."

The tall man paused, and when he continued, there was a somewhat kindly, threatening note in his voice.

"If you do not stay here, I will lock you in your house for a week and stand guard over you so you cannot sneak back to work. That is all. Now, stay. Good dog."

And, chuckling at his own joke, Ivan walked off, leaving Toris to keep the neighbors at bay and to worry uselessly about whatever child might be involved in this latest crime.

He stayed there for a long time, reassuring neighbors, sending them back to their homes, and hovering over the other police workers at the crime scene until they told him to get lost.

Then there was a woman-a neighbor, tall, with long blond hair and glasses-who came out looking incredibly distressed in her pajamas.

"Laurinaitis, talk to her," said someone-he didn't know who, but he would be angry with them when he found out who exactly they were. "You're getting in the way."

 _"So I've been demoted to crowd control. Well done, Ivan. I'm far more stable than you give me credit for, you know."_

However, someone needed to talk to this woman, so he trotted over to see what was wrong.

"My son is missing," she said, before he could even ask what was wrong. "We had an argument-is this about him, sir, do you know?"

"I don't know, ma'am," Toris said. "What does your son look like?"

"He's tall, with short blond hair, blue eyes, and glasses," the woman said.

"I'm sure he's all right," Toris said. "But I'll go and ask, just in case. Please wait right there, ma'am-we don't want anyone getting in the way of the crime scene."

He picked his way over to the house, careful not to step on anything important, only to be met at the door by Ivan, who did not look even remotely pleased.

"Ivan, I-"

"You will need to back away," Ivan said. His normally cheerful voice was quiet and very serious, and Toris had known Ivan long enough that he was able to tell that something had gone wrong.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Someone has been stabbed," Ivan said. "Now, please, back away and let these people through. You are blocking the door."

"I need to ask you something!" Toris nearly shouted, as he backed out of the doorway. "Would you listen to me for a moment?"

Ivan sighed and stepped off the sidewalk to stand next to Toris.

"Yes, what is it?"

"One of the neighbors says her son is missing," Toris said. "She-"

"Please tell me the child does not possess blond, short hair," Ivan said heavily.

"Tall, blond, blue eyes, glasses," Toris said.

"Well, he was not wearing glasses…" Ivan said to himself. "Although Natalya said she found glasses. But they were not on him, and we cannot very well ask if they belong to him."

"He's not dead?" Toris whispered.

"Not yet," Ivan said, with a meaningful glance at the house. Toris followed his gaze, and saw several paramedics come out, bearing a stretcher between them.

"Toris, I... I would like it if you would stop getting involved in these things," Ivan said. "Now you have formed an emotional attachment to that woman, who is probably that boy's mother. That boy is in very bad condition, and…"

"Ivan, I am a policeman," Toris said. "Also, you are not my superior _or_ my guardian. So, please stop trying to protect me. It's a waste of time and it's slowing everything up."

The ambulance whirled away from the curb, sirens blaring, and Ivan Braginsky sighed.

"Fine, Toris. You and I will go and speak to this woman."

Somewhat satisfied, Toris followed Ivan across the lawn to the edge of the crime scene tape, where the woman still lingered, looking near hysterical now. She looked a bit frightened of Ivan, who was tall and broad and quite intimidating, but Toris smiled softly, which seemed to reassure her a bit.

"Ma'am, this is my colleague, Ivan," he said. "He may have some information on your son."

"Is your son about high school age?" Ivan asked. He did not smile, which frightened Toris slightly.

 _"He always smiles, unless he thinks something horrible is going to happen…or has already happened."_

"Y-yes," the woman said. "Do you know where he is?"

"He is probably on his way to the hospital now," Ivan mumbled.

Toris thought the woman was going to break down sobbing right then, but she only stared blankly at Ivan.

"What happened?" she whispered.

"Ma'am, it might not be him," Toris said. "But if you can go to the hospital and identify him-don't worry, he's alive, I promise-it will make everything easier. Is that all right? We can get one of our officers to drive you."

The woman nodded.

"Yes. That would be all right. I… He…he _is_ alive, isn't he? We had a fight, and… He didn't try to kill himself, did he?"

"No," Ivan said. "I think he was doing a very brave thing. He was not attempting to be stupid. Well, he was being a bit stupid, but he was also being very brave. Do not worry. Brave people usually survive for a few more years than your son has currently lived."

At that moment, their conversation was interrupted by a shout from across the yard. A young woman marched down the sidewalk and across the lawn, her face set in a determined, slightly ill-tempered manner.

"I need Laurinaitis," she growled. "There's another kid in there."

"Another one?" Ivan asked. "But the first boy…? What do you mean, another one, Natalya?"

"I think the tall one was protecting this kid," Natalya said, shaking her blonde head. "Why else would he have let that woman stab him?"

The woman on the other side of the crime scene tape gasped and started to cry, and Ivan turned to Toris, sighing.

"Fine. Go with her, but do not let yourself be shocked. There are many bloodstains and… Natalya, is the crazy woman gone?"

"They took her into custody already," Natalya said. "Vlad's upstairs with the kid, but they're the only ones left now."

"Tell Vlad to come down and take this woman to the hospital," Ivan said. "Hurry!"

Toris started off after Natalya, who had already turned away, and found himself jogging to keep up with the young woman's long, determined strides.

"I don't like you," Natalya informed him. "But you're good with kids, and this one is small and scared. That's the only reason I asked for your help."

"I know," Toris said. "You tell me that every time there's a case like this. But thank you, Natalya. Ivan wasn't going to allow me inside."

Natalya huffed in a most disapproving manner, but, at that moment, they entered a bedroom strewn with boxes, and her scowl turned into a look of almost motherly concern.

"He's through here," she said, "with Vlad."

Toris followed Natalya through the maze of boxes to a back corner near a window, where they found another officer, Vlad, crouched next to a tiny figure.

"He won't talk," Vlad said, looking up at Toris and Natalya. "Won't even move. He's just staring. He's not hurt, though."

"His friend was hurt," Natalya said. "I assume that was his friend, anyways."

"Ivan wants you," Toris said to Vlad. "I'll take care of the little…it's a boy?"

Vlad nodded.

"Yeah. Tiny little thing. He's maybe nine or ten, I think?"

"I hate abusive parents," Toris whispered as he knelt next to the little boy. The child was indeed tiny, with long, curly blond hair and wide violet eyes. Toris thought the boy was quite beautiful, but the vacancy in the child's eyes frightened him.

"Hello, sweetie," he said quietly. "Are you okay?"

The boy did not look at him, but Toris saw tears falling from the boy's eyes, and he wiped them away with his sleeve, still watching the boy.

"You're safe now, sweetie," he said. "No one's going to hurt you, okay? Are you all right?"

"Not bleeding," the little boy whispered, his voice barely audible. "Mommy stabbed Eddy. Eddy's bleeding very much. Where did Eddy go? Is he going to wake up again?"

"Don't answer that," Natalya hissed. "He was barely conscious when they took him the hospital."

"What is 'conscious'?" the little boy asked. "Where's Mommy? Mommy was screaming very much…and she stabbed Eddy and…Eddy is not supposed to get hurt! _I'm_ supposed to get hurt!"

 _"I hate abusive parents. Do they even think about the consequences of what they tell these kids? Or do they like making children suffer? I don't even know…"_

"No one's supposed to get hurt, sweetie," Toris murmured. "And I promise you won't get hurt again. I promise. Your friend was hurt really bad…"

"Eddy shouldn't be hurt very bad," the boy murmured, hugging his knees to his chest.

"I know," Toris said. "But he's going to be okay. He just had to go stay at the hospital for a little while."

"What is 'hospital'?" the boy whispered. "I don't know so many words…"

"Do you know your name?" Toris asked.

"Raivis. I am Raivis. Eddy called me 'Rai' a couple times, but I think he was just too hurting to say my whole name… Will he be okay? He _is_ going to wake up again, right?"

"Yes," Toris said. "And your mother isn't going to hurt you ever again, either. You're safe now, okay, Raivis?"

"What is 'safe'?" Raivis asked.

"Safe is when beautiful little kids like you don't get hurt anymore," Toris said, smiling. "Safe is good."

Raivis started sobbing loudly, and Toris could only stare at him, utterly shocked and confused.

"Sweetie, Raivis, it's okay. Ssh… Come here."

He picked Raivis up, gently, shocked by how light the little boy was, and held him close, stroking his hair.

"You're safe," he said. "You're safe. I promise you're safe. Ssh… It's okay now. It's okay. I promise I'll take care of you, sweetheart… You don't have to cry…"

But Raivis cried anyways, and Toris did not fully understand why, but he held the little boy close nonetheless.

* * *

Raivis could not quite figure out what was happening. It was all too much at once, all of the people and lights and Eduard getting stabbed and being taken away.

That was what he really remembered. The stabbing, tearing sound and Eduard gasping, and the red from Eduard getting on him. He remembered all of that, and he remembered his mother's shouts and laughter in the background.

Then there were a lot of people and noises and the lady with the long hair trying to make him talk. And all he could do was stare and think that Eduard might be dead, not waking up anymore.

And then the man with the soft voice had come, and Raivis liked that man. That man was carrying him right now, and they were going downstairs.

"I'm not allowed to go down here," he said, and the soft-hair man glanced at him sadly.

"The rules are different now," he said. "Trust me. You're not going to get in trouble."

Raivis closed his eyes for a moment, snuggled into the man's coat-it was a funny coat, with a funny patch on it. When he opened his eyes again, they were outside.

"I'm _really_ not allowed here!" he said, panicked, and the soft-hair man stroked his hair and called him beautiful again. Raivis decided that soft-hair man was the most beautiful person in the world, after Eduard and Perri, and that he wanted soft-hair man to stay with him for a long time.

There were a lot of people out in the yard, and several of them turned to look at Raivis. One of the men was very tall, and he stepped over as if he intended to take Raivis away.

"I want to stay with soft-hair man!" he squeaked, burrowing further into the soft-hair man's jacket.

"Ivan, let him be," the soft-hair man said. "He's scared. I don't think he's ever seen this many people before."

"Has he not been to school?" Ivan asked.

"Let me check the records when we get to the station," soft-hair man said. "But I don't think there's any Raivis Galante in any of the schools. I'd remember a name like that, I swear."

"What is 'school'?" Raivis murmured. "Why is it loud out here? Does soft-hair man have a name?"

"You are 'soft-hair man', yes?" Ivan asked.

"Um, yes. I'm Toris."

"Toris…" Raivis said sleepily. "You sound like my name. Toris, Raivis."

The soft-hair man-Toris-smiled.

"Yes. They do sound alike. Now, come on, Raivis. We're going to the station."

"Are we going in the car?" Raivis asked, suddenly awake again. "I've never been in a car!"

"How old are you, Raivis?" Ivan asked, as they walked to the car, which was apparently going to be the means of going to the 'station', whatever that might be.

"What does that mean?" Raivis whispered. "I don't know so many words. All of the words are confusing me."

"How many birthdays have you had?"

"I am soon to have my fourteenth number," Raivis said. "Number-days are bad though, so I don't like getting new numbers. Mommy hurts me most on those days. Usually she only uses the knife on those days, but today is not a number-day, and she hurt Eddy very much with a knife."

"I thought he was seven at most," the long-haired woman muttered. "He's tiny."

"Tiny?" Raivis asked. "What is tiny?"

"Small," Toris said.

"I've always been small," Raivis whispered. "I think Mommy would have liked me more if I was big. She said small was ugly. Curly hair is ugly too, and purple eyes."

"Well," Toris said. "I think your mother was wrong. I think you're beautiful."

"You and Eddy," Raivis whispered, leaning on Toris' shoulder. "I just hope Eddy will be okay, since he was the first one who said I was beautiful. Eddy is my best friend, you know."

"Is he?" Toris asked. "You'll have to tell me about it."

"Okay," Raivis said. "But can we ride in the car first, please?"


	18. Safety

Chapter Eighteen: Safety

Toris sat in the back of the police car with Raivis, ignoring Ivan's disapproving glances. Natalya, who had insisted on coming along, glared icily out the window.

Raivis, on the other hand, seemed utterly overjoyed by what he saw outside. The small boy pressed his face against the glass, wide violet eyes taking in the landscape as if it were something utterly new and wonderful.

"I like this car," Raivis said finally, withdrawing from the window. He smiled up at Toris, and then, cautiously, leaned against him. Toris put his arm around Raivis, the little boy's eyes drifted closed, and the policeman looked down at the tiny boy and wondered how anyone could have hurt something that beautiful.

"He is like a baby angel," Ivan commented when they reached the station. (Raivis was asleep by this time, and Toris had to lift him out of the car.) "Like…what are the baby angels, Natalya?"

"Cherubs," Natalya growled. "I'm going inside to see if this kid exists."

"If he exists?" Toris asked.

"He said he has never been to school," Ivan said as Natalya marched off. "It is likely that he does not legally exist."

"Vanya," Toris said, "I don't want him sent off somewhere by himself. I want to stay with him"

Ivan sighed.

"You say that about all of them."

"But this one's different!"

"You say _that_ about all of them, too."

"No," Toris said. "He really is different. Look, Ivan… He doesn't know anything about the real world. Look at him. His friend has been stabbed and his mother arrested, and he's sleeping. He doesn't understand what's going on. If I leave him here, he'll be scared, and…"

"I cannot do anything about it, Toris," Ivan said. "It is not our job to interfere in what happens to him. He will be safest…"

"I know you can do something about it," Toris said, using his most serious voice. "And if you don't, I will stay at my desk, working on Raivis' case, until it is resolved. I will not go home; I will not sleep. But if you just ask the chief to let me…"

"Toris, you cannot adopt him!" Ivan grumbled. "He is probably not a legally existing person. You heard Natalya. No one knows where this child came from. You cannot just adopt him into your house without question…"

"I'm a police officer," Toris said. "Legally, he's under police protection anyways, and I'm not adopting him; I'm protecting him. And where can he go without us knowing anything about him? Vanya, please…"

"For all you know, his mother was a notorious criminal and her gang will be out for revenge…" Ivan protested feebly.

"She was a normal civilian, brother," Natalya said from the doorway of the police station. "Psychotic, yes, but she had no previous criminal record. She lived alone. And Raivis does not legally exist. There is no thirteen year old Raivis Galante in any files, anywhere. I'll search deeper tonight, but just from a quick examination, the child does not seem to legally exist."

"But he does exist," Toris said. "He's right here, and he's all alone. They won't be able to do anything with him if they don't know who he is. Ivan, you and I and Natalya could guard him, just until things get sorted out… Someone here will have to do it anyways, so…"

Ivan groaned.

"Toris, for a nice guy, you are very manipulative. Fine, I will talk to the chief. Wait here."

Ivan marched off, leaving Toris alone outside the police station with a child nestled in his arms. He shifted from one foot to the other, hoping Ivan would return soon. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Raivis up by taking him inside the busy station.

"Nothing like this ever happened in this town before," Natalya said disinterestedly. "A boy who doesn't exist, and another boy defending him. The mother the perpetrator of the abuse. These things don't happen often here."

"Abuse happens," Toris said. "Abuse happens every day, and we can't stop it all no matter how hard we try. We can't even stop all that goes on in this small town."

"But this is different," Natalya said. "This one is different from the other abuse cases. It will be in the paper, once word gets out. You know it will."

"He won't understand," Toris murmured, looking down at the sleeping Raivis. "He'll think it's all some kind of game. The newspaper will…"

"The newspaper will do nothing," Ivan said, coming out of the police station. "We are taking him to your home."

Toris smiled, and he would have hugged Ivan had that not involved dropping Raivis.

"You and Natalya go on," Ivan said. "I am going to stay and…"

"Brother, go," Natalya growled. "I will stay."

Ivan blinked at her, evidently surprised, and Toris smiled.

"That's very kind of you, Natalya," he said. "Thank you."

"I'm not doing it for you," she hissed. "Brother likes children and he is better with them than I am. That is all."

She turned and marched off to the police station, leaving Ivan shaking his head.

"You ought to give up on her, Toris. She is quite the odd one, my sister."

"I know," Toris said. "But I still like her. Come on now. We've got to get Raivis inside and to bed."

* * *

Raivis woke up to find himself still in the car. The car had stopped moving now, but they were not at the mysterious 'station', but in the driveway of someone's house, and Ivan and Toris were peering down at him.

"Come on, Raivis," Toris said, smiling.

"Is this the station?" Raivis said sleepily.

"No," Toris's smile looked like a laugh. "This is my house. You're going to stay with me."

Raivis threw himself out of the car and into Toris' arms, smiling.

"I get to stay with soft-hair man! M-Mr. Toris, I mean. I get to stay with Mr. Toris. Mr. Toris is very, very kind to let me stay."

Toris picked him up, and his arms were soft and warm and not at all hurtful.

"Come on. It's cold out here. You don't want to get frozen."

Raivis leaned his head on Toris' shoulder as Ivan led the way to the house, smiling softly.

 _"Warm house. Mr. Toris is very nice and I want to stay with him forever… I can't wait to tell Eddy…"_

And then he remembered that Eduard might not wake up again.

"Is Eduard going to be okay _now_?" he shouted, and Ivan sighed.

"Toris, I will call the hospital. Calm him. He will need to go to sleep, and I doubt the other boy will be much better than he was before. We have not been gone from the scene long."

"What does it mean?" Raivis asked Toris, who was trying to set him down. He clung to the man, determined not to let go until Toris answered him. "Is Eddy going to be okay?"

"I don't know, sweetheart," Toris said. "Ivan's going to call and find out, all right? But for now, you need to get some sleep. Let's find you some pajamas-your clothes are all bloody."

"I'm too little," Raivis murmured. "Your clothes won't fit me."

"I…have some clothes," Toris said. "I'll get them."

The policeman disappeared, and returned a few moments later with a box that looked very much like the ones in Raivis' room. The little boy scampered over to Toris, who was sorting through a box of small clothes.

"Why do you have little boy clothes?" he asked. "You don't have a little boy, do you?"

A shadow passed over Toris' face, and it reminded Raivis of Perri and Eduard, although the hurting in Toris' eyes seemed deeper even than Perri's hurt.

"They were my brother's," he whispered.

"Oh," Raivis said. "Why did you keep them?"

"He died," Toris whispered. "It was…it was my fault, Raivis."

"It's not your fault if your brother died," Raivis said, reaching up and petting Toris' hair as the man bent his head over the box of clothes. "Dying isn't the fault of people."

"In this case, I wouldn't say that," Toris whispered in a hollow voice.

"You sound like you're hurting inside," Raivis said. "Let's not talk about it anymore, okay? Please, Mr. Toris? It's making you sad…"

"All right, Raivis," Toris murmured, but the shadow was still in his eyes. "Let's talk about something else. What clothes do you like? They're a little old-I suppose that means I'm old-but they're all I have right now."

"D-do I get to pick?" Raivis whispered. "From the beautiful colored clothes?"

He looked down into the box of clothes, amazed by their color. He had often seen the neighborhood children going past his window in beautiful, bright-colored clothes, but he had never been allowed to wear them. All of his clothes had been plain, black, grey, or white t-shirts and shorts, only colored by the red that came from his body sometimes. And here were many different kinds of clothes, both long and short, and full of color.

"Are they really for me?" he asked, and Toris nodded.

"Pick the ones you want."

Raivis bent over the box, scrutinizing the bright clothes. His eyes fell on a large, red piece of cloth, and he pulled it out, astonished to see it fall into the shape of a shirt.

"This," he said. "I like this. It's soft."

Toris looked sad and delighted all at once, and it confused Raivis a bit.

"My brother liked that one," he said. "It's old, but it will be good for you to sleep in. And… Do you like these?"

He held up a pair of blue pants, soft like the shirt, which had a big hood, and Raivis smiled, nodding fast.

"Yes, yes, please!"

"Good," Toris said. "My brother always wore them together. Now, we need to get you a bath before you can wear these. We don't want to get them too dirty, after all."

The brunet man stood up and started to walk away, and Raivis trotted after him, utterly confused.

"What is 'bath'?" he asked. "I have not had this 'bath'."

"Oh," Toris said "It's…well…I'll put you in the water and you can play in it while you get clean, okay? Look, in here."

"N-not the spray thing!" Raivis whimpered, covering his eyes and hiding behind Toris. "The spray thing hurts my eyes!"

"The showerhead?" Toris asked. "We're not going to use that, Raivis, if it scares you. I'm just going to run water into the tub like this…"

He twisted something, and water began to pour into what Raivis had always thought was a particularly large box.

"And you can take off your clothes, and climb in," Toris said.

Raivis eyed the water doubtfully.

"Mommy wouldn't let me do that," he said. "Mommy wouldn't let me do any of these things. I… I'm not a good boy, so I'm not allowed…"

"Raivis."

Gentle hands grasped his shoulders; green eyes peered into his with a warmth that he had never felt before.

"Raivis, your mother was wrong," Toris said. "I will never do anything to hurt you, understand? If something scares you, tell me. I will never hurt you. Your mother hurt you, didn't she?"

"She hurt Eddy more," Raivis said. "Lots of red all over."

"Yes," Toris agreed, the shadow falling into his eyes again. "But she hurt you, too. And let me tell you, Raivis-that was wrong. It is wrong to hurt people. Your mother was wrong about a lot of things. She was wrong to hurt you. So, please, believe me… You are a beautiful child, and you deserve to be loved. I'm going to love you, all right. So believe me when I say, it's fine for you to have new clothes. It's fine for you to take a bath. It's fine for you to be happy. Always."

Raivis did not really know what it was that Toris did to him next, but it was soft and warm and it was the same thing Toris had done back at his house. It felt like what he thought love should feel like.

"Okay," he whispered, and pulled his bloodstained shirt over his head. "I think I believe you, Mr. Toris."

Toris smiled warmly.

"I'm glad, Raivis."

Raivis finished pulling his clothes off and turned to Toris, to see the man's cheerful smile replaced by worry.

"You're very thin," Toris murmured.

"I'm not hungry," Raivis chirped, hoping to reassure the brunet man. "I'll be okay!"

"What do you like to eat?" Toris asked.

"Crackers?" Raivis asked.

"I will make food," came Ivan's voice from outside the door. "Help the boy with his bath, little Toris."

Toris nodded, but his worry remained as he faced Raivis, although he was smiling again.

"Well? Ready to get in the water?"

Raivis looked at the water box, which was now nearly full, and wondered if he could die in it. But Toris seemed to trust the water box, so he took a deep breath, and stepped in.

It was the warmest, most beautiful thing he had ever felt, and it did not spray him in the face like the thing his mother used to wash him with. Raivis sat down in the water, closed his eyes, and decided that this must be what heaven felt like.

* * *

After his bath, Raivis came out, now wearing his new 'hoodie' and 'pants', to find Ivan bustling around the kitchen in a most determined and rather frightening manner.

"Are you okay?" he asked, blinking up at the large man. "Where's Mr. Toris?"

"Toris will be down shortly," Ivan said, smiling at Raivis. "He is getting your bed ready."

"Bed?" Raivis whispered. "The thing Mommy sleeps on?"

Ivan frowned, his round face suddenly very serious.

"You did not have a bed, did you?" he asked. "Why would she not let you have a bed?"

"She said because I'm not beautiful," Raivis said. "I don't really know. She never told me if there was a reason for me being ugly. She just said I'm not beautiful, I'll never be beautiful, and so she's got to punish me."

"Well," said Ivan, "she was very wrong. Now, come, little Raivis. Your dinner is ready."

"Dinner?" Raivis echoed.

"Food," Ivan said. "Does your mother not call it dinner?"

"Mommy doesn't give me food very much," Raivis said. "Usually once a day. I can get all the water I want, though. She refills the water bowl before and after she goes outside for the day."

Ivan muttered something that sounded rather violent, his face growing quite dark. Raivis eyed him nervously, but a moment later, the tall man's cheerfulness was restored, and he turned back to Raivis, smiling.

"Come now. I have made soup."

Raivis followed Ivan over to a table, and let the tall man lift him into a chair. (They were all treating him like he might break, and he rather liked the attention.)

Ivan turned away for a moment, and reappeared with a bowl, which had a steaming liquid in it. Raivis blinked at the bowl, not certain what to do with it.

"Spoon," Ivan said, handing Raivis the aforementioned object. "You dip it in, get some soup out, blow on it, and eat! You understand?"

Raivis nodded hesitantly, not certain that he did understand, but eager to please Ivan.

"Good," Ivan said. "Now, you eat, and I will go help Toris. You will be all right, yes?"

Raivis nodded again, and then, to prove that he would be all right, dipped his spoon into the soup and tasted it. It was very hot and burned his tongue, but it was the most wonderful thing he had ever tasted.

* * *

 **Shadows in the Light of Day once again admits to knowing nothing about police matters, and thereby admits that there are no doubt tons of errors in police policy within this fanfiction. Any errors in policy shown here are for plot purposes.**

 **(Also, not that it matters, but this is one of those small in population but large in area town type things, and the police have never really dealt with a kid who doesn't legally exist before. Not an excuse, but anyways. Basically all glaring inaccuracies are because Shadow cares more about her plotline than actual accuracy in anything. As usual.)**

 **Okay basically no I'm not even trying anymore. This is why I stick to dystopia. I can make my own police policies there. *shushes now***


	19. Memory

Chapter Nineteen: Memory

Ivan did not care for the times in life when Toris Laurinaitis grew attached to children. He was himself attached to children as a whole, but Toris, while kind to everyone, had a particular affinity for growing attached to children who had been abused, children who were not what one would call normal.

And this child in particular was not one that Ivan deemed it healthy for Toris to grow attached to.

 _"Still, he will not listen to me,"_ the tall man reflected as he climbed the stairs in search of Toris. _"He never has."_

The lights were off on the house's upper level, and Ivan headed for the spare bedroom, where he had often slept before, and where Raivis would be sleeping for the next few nights. He expected to find Toris there, and was not disappointed. The brunet man sat on the edge of the guest bed, shrouded in darkness, staring at his hands.

"Toris," Ivan said. "You should have told me to buy the child clothes, and I would have done so."

"He looks like my little brother." Toris' voice was choked. "He's even the same size."

"Yes," Ivan agreed. "But he is not your brother. You did not have to give him the clothes."

"If he's going to stay with me, then he might as well have the clothes," Toris whispered, his voice shaking.

"Little Toris," Ivan said, "you will not tell me what it is that hurts you. All I know is that your brother died. I cannot help you with only that knowledge."

"He died because I was too late," Toris murmured. "He died because I didn't tell anyone…"

"Ah," Ivan said.

 _"The brother was being abused as well, then? I know Toris was abused, and that Toris did not tell anyone. So…he died? Toris's brother died?"_

He sat down next to Toris, felt the smaller man shaking, and wondered if there was anything he could say to help.

 _"Nothing I have ever said before has helped him. I don't think I will ever help him; he is so sad and he hates himself over something he could not control."_

"You were a child then, Toris," he said. "What could you have done?"

"More than I did," Toris said. "I was eighteen years old and I should have told someone. I should have known… He… I… Ivan, I am not going to tell you all of it because you do not need to hear it, and because you will only try to fix things that are out of your control."

Even in the darkness, Ivan could hear the regretful smile in Toris' next words.

"But you should know that it was most certainly my fault. I wasn't there to protect my little brother anymore. I should have told, or I should have stayed at home. But I ran away like a selfish brat and let my brother die. I made the wrong choice. I failed. But that little boy - Raivis - reminds me very much of him…"

The room would have been horribly silent if Toris had not been sobbing, but Ivan thought the sobs made everything even more horrible.

"Then we will protect him," he said. "You and I and Natalya, we will protect little Raivis, who looks like your brother who is dead. Maybe Raivis is your second chance. Maybe he is a second chance for all of us. I shall have to get Katya into this - she will like him. She loves children, you know, but she doesn't have any. She doesn't really have any family at all. But! We can be a family, Toris. A big family with lots of parents for a little boy who doesn't have any. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Weren't you the one who told me not to get attached?" Toris murmured.

Ivan smiled guiltily to himself.

"Well…at least you are not crying anymore."

"True," Toris said. "Thank you."

They sat in silence for a time, Ivan sneaking nervous glances at Toris, making sure that the other man was still all right, still composed and not crying.

"You weren't in there when he took off his shirt to get in the bath, were you?" Toris whispered finally.

"No," Ivan said. "Why?"

"He's so thin and little and… He's thirteen, Vanya, but he's so tiny. He looks like he's nine or ten-my brother was ten, and his clothes fit Raivis. But… I didn't want to mention it to him, because I don't think he can read, and if he can't read then he may not realize what she did to him, but…he has horrible scars. Horrible, horrible scars, and they're _words_ , Ivan. That horrible woman scarred that innocent little boy with cruel words… Even my father would never…"

"Toris," Ivan said, placing a finger to the brunet man's lips. "You cannot change Raivis' past anymore than you can change your own. But you can help his future, yes? We can all help his future. We can show him that his mother was cruel and evil and a liar, that all the words she wrote on him are entirely untrue. We can do that together. Us and my sisters, we will do it. Do you understand? I will fight with you so that you can gain custody of Raivis. That is what you want, yes? I do not think anyone else will take him, so it will have to be us. We four people can make his future a thousand times better than his past, and you and I will lead this effort. But, Toris, he trusts you most. So even if what you see in his past hurts you, and might hurt him, you must be very gentle. But you will have no problem with that. You are always very gentle. That is why I like you."

He smiled softly at Toris, whose wide green eyes were brimming with tears again.

"Now, let us dry your tears," he said, wiping them away with a corner of his sleeve. "And let us go see that little Raivis does not burn himself with his soup."

* * *

Raivis had started wondering when he would wake up from this beautiful dream. He knew it must be a dream, that this whole thing could not possibly be real. He had been given new clothes and real food, and now they were going to let him sleep in a bed.

"Mr. Toris," he whispered, "I never want to wake up from this dreaming."

"It's not a dream, sweetie," Toris said, setting down the shirt he had been folding. "I promise you, it's not. This is real. And it's going to stay just like this, okay? Or, at least, I'll try to make it stay like this."

"What about Mommy?" Raivis asked. "Will she be okay without me?"

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Toris said, the shadow in his eyes again.

"I made you sad," Raivis said. "That shadow means sadness. You can hit me now. It's okay, I don't mind. You've been really nice to me, but I'm not a very good boy, so you should probably go ahead and hit me."

"Raivis, I will never hit you," Toris said. "I promised, and I meant it. I will never hurt you."

"But you're supposed to," Raivis said. "That's what's supposed to be done, Mr. Toris."

"Well, I have a different idea of what's supposed to be done," Toris said. "Now, I think it's time you get some sleep."

"How do I sleep in that thing?" Raivis asked, eyeing the bed with no small amount of nervousness. "It's very big. I might get lost in it."

"You won't get lost," Toris said, lifting him into the bed. "I'm right here. You can't get lost in there."

"It's very big," Raivis repeated, as Toris tucked the blankets around him. "Very big and soft. I might fall all the way into the softness and get lost…"

He blinked up at Toris.

"Will you please stay with me?" he whispered. "I'm scared. This is a different inside from the old inside. This inside might be scary."

"I live in this inside," Toris said. "It's not scary here. But yes, Raivis. I'll stay with you."

Raivis patted the bed next to him.

"You lay down too."

He hadn't expected Toris to actually do it. He expected to be slapped for his insolence, for even daring to suggest that he might be able to tell an adult what to do. But Toris climbed into the bed next to him, and Raivis was suddenly glad that Toris had changed out of his scratchy grey clothes. The clothes Toris was wearing now were soft and warm, and Raivis snuggled closer to the policeman, who laid one arm over his body.

"You're very warm, Mr. Toris," he murmured sleepily.

Toris smiled, and then, quietly, leaned over and switched the lamp off. And Raivis lay there in the dark, with Toris Laurinaitis' arms around him, and wondered what the peaceful feeling in his body was. It felt wrong for him to be so peaceful, and he meant to say so to Toris. But when he looked over at the policeman, he heard steady breathing, and knew that Toris had fallen asleep.

And so he too closed his eyes and fell asleep. And as he fell asleep, he marveled at the warmth around him, at the kindness of Toris and Ivan, and most of all at the feeling deep inside of him.

He felt safe and protected, he was not afraid, and it was a very nice - perhaps even beautiful - feeling.

* * *

Ivan Braginsky watched Toris and Raivis, a small smile hovering at the corners of his mouth.

"You are too kind," he whispered to Toris, who was curled around Raivis as if trying to shield the little boy. "Far too kind. You worry me, little Toris, very much. I wish you were not so kind, but it cannot be helped. And, anyways… This world has need of you and of your brave heart. Continue to be brave, my Toris, always and into eternity."

"You talk about him like he is an angel," Natalya's voice scoffed from the hallway.

"Ssh," Ivan murmured, turning to her, closing the door behind him. "You will wake them."

She glared at him, icy and silent, and he sighed.

"Natalya. Toris is a good man, and you might do well to consider such a thing to be possible before continuing to condemn him as you do. Believe me, sister, he is…"

"Wonderful," Natalya growled. "Beautiful, kind, compassionate, loving… All the things you like in your sunflowers, Ivan. But I do not think he is so good. He makes mistakes too."

"And he cries for his mistakes!" Ivan snapped.

"Does he?" Natalya asked.

"Get out," Ivan hissed. "I will not tolerate this. You are being jealous, Natalya, and that is all. Go to the hospital and help Katya, and learn love! Then come back here to me, and tell me what you have learned."

"Learn love?" Natalya murmured. "Well, brother, I thought I had already learned it. You seem to disagree, though. So I will go on now. But, brother… I will not 'learn love', as you say I should. I may love you, but I do not take orders from you. Goodbye."

She marched off, and a few moments later, Ivan heard the front door of Toris Laurinaitis' house slam shut.

"My sister is crazy," he muttered, shaking his head. "Good God. My sister is totally crazy. Someone needs to find her a healthy way to love people."

"I don't think she understands," said Toris' voice from behind Ivan. "She didn't have love when you were younger, really, did she?"

"I was sick for a long time," Ivan said. "Katya was taking care of me… I don't even _remember_ Natalya being there. I just know that we were all alone in the house, and I was sick in the head and in my body too, and Katya would stay home and… What was Natalya doing? If Katya was with me, what was Natalya doing? And where were we getting money for medicine? I _always_ had medicine…"

"Vanya." Toris had the gentlest hands and the kindest voice. "It's all right. You're not sick anymore. You're better. You're helping other people, as a police officer. So is Natalya. But I think you should ask her where the money came from. If Katya was with you, then it was Natalya who was earning money."

"She was thirteen years old," Ivan said. "When I was sick, I mean. She was thirteen. She might even have been younger. Where can a thirteen year old work, Toris…?"

"That's something you'll have to ask Natalya," Toris said. "But I do think you should ask. There has to be some reason she acts the way she does, Ivan. Nothing is without reason."

"You think what that little boy's mother did to him had any reason to it?" Ivan asked, glancing toward the bedroom.

"Yes," Toris said. "I don't know what it was. And having a motive does not change the horror of what happened. But, Ivan… There is probably a reason for the way Natalya acts toward you. She is comfortable enough with children and other women, but you are the only man she doesn't treat scornfully. Don't you think there's a reason for that?"

"I… Yes," Ivan said.

 _"But what reason could it be? Why does Natalya act this way toward me, but hates everyone else around her? I don't understand… I don't remember… I was so sick back then."_

* * *

 **Once again, Shadows in the Light of Day knows nothing about the police force, and this is the last time she will repeat this reminder of her incompetence. xD**

 **Also, no, I do not know why Ivan and Natalya felt it necessary to start their own plotline. It was certainly not MY idea.**

 **Anyways, next chapter we will _finally_ find out what's become of Eduard. :)**


	20. Alive

**So, I'm excellent at being dumb! But yes, I do realize this is not Invisible's update week.**

 **...I realized this about a minute ago, AFTER I revised this chapter. So you can have a double update weekend today. Congratulations. xD (This will help me get Invisible posted, anyways.)**

 **Anyways, WiB coming later today/possibly early tomorrow, after Shadow revises it.**

 **Please excuse my utter stupidity. But at least you get to know what happened to Eduard a week early.**

* * *

Chapter Twenty: Alive

They were going to the place called 'hospital', the place where Eduard was, and Raivis felt that nothing could go wrong as long as Toris, Ivan, and Natalya were with him.

He skipped along next to Toris, clutching the policeman's hand, and tried not to feel overwhelmed by all the lights and noises and the friendly people who smiled at him. There were also a few who stared, and, turning to Toris, he asked why.

"You have a few bruises left on your face," Toris said. "They probably think you look a little different, but the bruises will go away soon, sweetie. Just wait - all the horrid bruises will be gone before you know it."

Toris looked sad at the thought of people noticing Raivis' bruises, so Raivis decided to stop talking about it. It wasn't good for Toris to be sad.

Ivan was talking to the lady at the front desk, flashing a shiny thing around at her as if it might command her to do whatever he wanted.

"It's a police badge," Toris said. "Ivan's going to get the nice lady to let us see Eduard, but we have to be quiet while we're there if he's sleeping."

"Do you think we can see Perri, too?" Raivis asked eagerly, and Toris blinked.

"Who is Perri?"

"There was a suicide attempt a few days ago with a girl involved," Natalya said. "I know her name started with P, and it was an odd name too. Did she try to kill herself, Raivis?"

"Natalya!" Toris exclaimed. "He doesn't…"

"Yes, I do," Raivis said. "She is Eddy's best friend and she tried to make herself die. Can we go see her, please?"

"L-let's stick with Eddy for today," Toris said. He looked rather ill, and Raivis wondered why so many things made the brunet man sad.

"Now we may go," Ivan said, coming up at that moment. "Only… Raivis, your friend has not yet woken. He is stable and will be all right, but he has not yet woken from his sleep."

"But he _will_ wake up again?" Raivis asked. "He's not going to go to sleep and never wake up?"

"No," Toris said. "He'll be fine. Now, come on. You want to go see him, don't you?"

Raivis followed the policemen down the cold hallways of the hospital, and as they went further and further in, he realized that he was scared of what he might see.

 _"Eddy was so bloody and hurt last time… What if he's still like that? I don't want to see that again! I want Eddy to be all better now!"_

They came to a stop outside of a closed door, and the woman who had been leading them stopped, turning to Raivis and Toris.

"You two can go in," she said. "But only you two, and don't disturb him. Be very quiet."

"Thank you," Toris said, stepping around the woman, Raivis at his side. Ivan and Natalya remained out in the hallway, and Raivis suddenly found himself standing still, afraid to move another step. He closed his eyes.

 _"I don't want to see Eddy hurting again why did I come here I'm so stupid why…"_

"Raivis…"

Toris picked him up, gentle hands going almost unnoticed by Raivis, who burrowed into the man's shirt, eyes still tightly shut.

"Oh, sweetie…" Toris said. "Eddy's fine. Look. He's just sleeping."

Raivis opened one eye and saw Eduard lying in a white bed, his eyes closed, something that looked like several tubes coming out of his arm.

"What are those?" he asked, pointing at the tubes.

"They'll help him get better," Toris said. "See, he's very much alive. He just needs to sleep a little more, and then he'll be ready to get better."

Raivis peered at Eduard, trying to see if there was any blood visible. But all he could see was the white sheets on Eduard's bed, and he decided that if Eduard was not bleeding, he must be safe enough.

But Eduard looked so pale and still, and although Raivis had never seen death, he thought that this must be what death looked like.

"He got all hurt because of me," he said. "It was my fault."

"It wasn't your fault, Raivis," Toris said. "You're not the one to blame, all right?"

Raivis turned his head away from Eduard, biting his lip.

"I want to go," he said. "I don't want to look at Eddy anymore."

 _"I want Eddy to wake up! I want him to wake up now! I need him to wake up and smile beautifully! I want him to be okay... Please, Eddy. Please wake up and be okay."_

* * *

Eduard woke in a bright, white room, and wondered if he was in heaven. However, he doubted heaven looked much like a hospital, and as this appeared to be something close to a hospital, it was unlikely that he was in heaven.

"Where…?" he murmured, trying to sit up, only to feel sharp pain in his back. He fell back onto the pillows, whimpering as it all came back to him.

 _"Raivis. That psychotic Galante woman. Knives and blood and… I think I passed out. Has she hurt Raivis? Where is he?"_

"You're awake!"

He looked up, startled, to see a chubby woman watching him. His first thought was that she had the biggest chest he had ever seen. His second thought was that he must be in a real hospital, for the woman was wearing a nurse's clothes.

"How long have I been out?" he asked.

"They brought you here last night," the woman said. "Oh, and I'm Katya! I'm your nurse."

"Who brought me here?" he asked.

 _"Not that psychotic woman, that's for sure."_

"The ambulance did," Katya said. "Oh, but you were the one who got wrapped up in that abuse case, weren't you? My brother and sister are both with the police; they were there."

Eduard vaguely remembered a tall woman and a man who looked vaguely like a vampire storming into Raivis' room, but after that, everything went dark.

"I must have passed out," he said. "I… Well… I don't really remember what happened."

"You were stabbed, dear," Katya said. "You shouldn't remember much."

"You said your siblings are on the police force," Eduard said. "Can you...can you find out what happened to the other boy? His name is Raivis, and he's never been outside… I want to know what happened to him."

"Oh, he must be the one staying with Toris!" Katya exclaimed. "Toris is another policeman - a friend of my brother's - and my brother said there was a little boy staying there. He's fine, dear. They brought him here for a bit today, to show him you weren't dead, but then they went home. He's such a tiny little thing…"

Eduard sighed and lay back on the pillows, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his body.

"Will this heal?" he asked Katya.

"Nothing major was injured, dear," Katya said. "Everything will be just fine. I promise."

"How long will I have to stay here?" Eduard asked.

"A few days," Katya said. "Don't worry. I work a lot, so I'll be here to keep you company. And I'm sure my brother will bring that little boy in to visit."

"There's a girl…" Eduard said. "She tried to commit suicide. She's here, in the hospital - Perri Jones. Can you find out if she's woken up yet? She's my friend, and she was still unconscious last I heard."

"Oh, I know her!" Katya said. "Well, I have a friend who works on a different floor, and she told me about the suicidal girl. She woke up yesterday, dear. She'll be all right. We could hear her brother celebrating all the way down here. He's quite loud, isn't he?"

Eduard nodded tiredly, and closed his eyes for an instance, prompting a guilty squeak from Katya.

"I should leave you be," she said. "But I'll be back if you need anything. Goodbye, Eduard."

The chubby nurse hurried from the room, and Eduard lay awake in the bright hospital room, smiling despite his pain.

 _"They're all right. Raivis and Perri, they're both alive, and they'll be all right. Now… Will_ I _be all right? This hurts."_

He slipped away again after a while, slipped back into the darkness of sleep. But his sleep was troubled now, riddled with dreams of how it had felt to be stabbed, how it had felt to have blood running down his body from his wounds. He wondered, after jolting awake after one such nightmare, if he would remember it forever.

* * *

When Eduard woke again, he found his mother in the room with him. Vaguely, he wondered where his father might be, but decided that the man was probably at work, or had gone to get coffee.

He tried to pretend to be asleep, but through half-closed eyelids, he saw that his mother's face was pale and drawn, and her eyes were red.

"Ed, I know you're awake," she murmured. "And I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It wasn't about you," he said. "It was about Raivis. What I did had nothing to do with-"

"You're a hero," his mother said. "You were almost a dead hero, do you know that? Eddy, when they carried you out of that place, even the police officers thought you might not make it. And I shouted at you. The last thing I would have ever said to you, if you had died there…"

"Mom. I didn't die," Eduard said. "I do not plan to die."

He smiled up at the ceiling, and it was a smile meant for Perri and Raivis more than for him, although they could not see him.

"I have people to live for, and I would also die for them. But I did not live for them before, nor did I die for them. Now I am willing to do both. And I will. I'm going to live for them."

"What about you?" his mother asked. "What about living for you?"

"Me?" Eduard asked. "No. No, Mom, I've been living for myself for far too long. I've been selfish and stupid, and it almost cost my friend her life. I won't make the same mistake again."

He closed his eyes.

"I'm not better," he said. "But I have something to live for now. And it's not my own life that matters to me. For so long, I was lonely. I relied on other people shamelessly, taking everything from them and giving them nothing. I won't do such a thing again. Live for myself? No. That's foolish and selfish and petty. But live for others? For Raivis and Perri? That is something that I can do. And I will do it. You may not approve of my friendships or of the way that I've lived my life up until now, but rest assured, I am going to change. You may not like the changes, but they will happen. And I will live for others instead of myself."

He looked over at his mother, smiling.

"I'm going to start again."

* * *

"Mr. Toris," Raivis asked, "what is marriage?"

Ivan nearly spit out his soup upon hearing the question, but Toris was already answering.

"That's when two people decide they want to be together forever. So they go to the church and the pastor says some words. Then they say some words, and it's like they're one person almost. Together, forever."

"Is it always a girl and a boy?" Raivis asked. "Miss Natalya said that a girl and a boy should get married, but what about a boy and a boy?"

"Well, that depends on what you believe," Toris said. "Some people think that it's not right for a boy and a boy to get married. I think it's fine to marry whoever you want, but remember, Raivis…marry for love. Not for money or toys or outward beauty. Marry for love. Make sure the person you marry will love you. If they will never love you, t-then there's no hope in the venture. Don't try to marry a person who you can't love."

Ivan heard Toris' voice trembling, and stood up from his seat, glaring at Natalya, who was sitting, completely unperturbed, across the table.

"Sister. We need to talk. Now."

Natalya seemed quite agreeable to this prospect, as she immediately stood up and marched out of the room, leaving Ivan to follow.

"You stay with Raivis," Ivan said to Toris, who looked quite confused. He swept out of the room, leaving the brunet man no opportunity to protest.

Natalya was waiting in the hall, idly twirling a strand of her hair around one finger.

"Why do you hate him so?" Ivan asked.

"Why do I hate whom so?" Natalya asked, glaring up at him with an almost frightening intensity.

"Toris," Ivan said. "He has been nothing but kind to both of us, and you…"

"He has been kind to you!" Natalya spat. "And perhaps, yes, he has been kind to me. But all I know is that you bask in his kindness and love as if there is something special about the way he treats you. Toris Laurinaitis loves you, Ivan, as he loves all mankind, but no more. He merely loves you as a friend and as his partner in his work. Nothing more."

"I never asked him to love me as anything more!" Ivan grumbled. "Natalya, you do not make sense. I do not understand why you must be so jealous of everyone who…"

"I saved your life," Natalya hissed. "I saved you _and_ Katya, and neither of you even cared to ask how I did it. No, you took it for granted that I would save you, that I, the youngest, would shoulder the burdens of an adult, and I did it. You did not starve. You got your medicine and Katya got her bread, but what of it? It was honest work, wasn't it?"

She laughed softly, and Ivan stepped back, frightened by the anger in her eyes.

"You never asked, brother," she said. "Never once have you or Katya asked how I saved you both."

"I am asking now," Ivan whispered.

"No, you are not," Natalya said. "You are asking only because I have told you to ask. Go back to your soup, brother! Bask in the love of Toris Laurinaitis, and forget once again that I saved you. It does not matter anyways. You do not acknowledge me."

She turned and began walking down the hall, only to stop when Ivan spoke again.

"It is hard to acknowledge someone," Ivan said softly, "who wishes to marry her own brother without reason. It is frightening to me."

"Indeed," Natalya said. "And that is why I will not tell you how I came to save you and Katya. You would then find me not only frightening, but repulsive."

She turned back to him, and he thought, though he must have imagined it, that she was trying not to cry.

"Be afraid, but don't hate me. Please, Ivan. Don't ever hate me, even if you are scared."

She was gone before he could reply, and he stood alone in the hallway, his mouth open and his mind tangled with questions.

"What did she say to you?"

"Toris, you are the nosiest person I have ever known," Ivan announced. "Really, this is not the time for you to come-"

"Vanya. What did she say?"

"She said she sacrificed something to save me and Katya, but she won't tell me what!" Ivan wailed. "It's not my fault! I don't think so anyways! I didn't mean to get sick, I didn't mean to, it's not my fault…"

"Ivan. Ivan, stop…"

"You stop trying to calm me!" he snapped at Toris, who shrank back as if he had been slapped. And then Ivan remembered who he was talking to, remembered the tiny child in the next room, and all the anger and frustration went out of him.

"I don't know what happened," he whispered, burying his head in his hands. "I don't remember. I was sick all the time, Toris. I know she came home in the mornings…she was gone a lot at night…and… I think sometimes she would cry, very quietly, when she was holding my hand. She wasn't in love with me before I got sick…n-not the way she is now. But when I came out of it, when we were getting older and growing and trying to find schools and jobs, then she started with this marriage thing. I don't understand what happened…"

"You said she was gone at night?" Toris asked. "She worked at night?"

"She gave Katya money when she came home. Sometimes lots-she would say she had a good night. Sometimes none… I… I don't remember… It's all fuzzy in my head, the things from back then. The things from back then are hurting and cold and hungry…"

"You need to stop worrying about this," Toris said. "And you need to ask her what happened. You need to make her see that you really care, you really want to know what happened to her. And maybe you should ask Katya. I know Natalya said she never told Katya what happened, but she might know something, all right? We'll start with Katya, tomorrow morning. We need to take Raivis to visit Eduard anyways; he'll get worried if we don't."

"All right," Ivan said. "You…you are too kind, Toris."

"No," Toris said. "I worry, and I have suffered in the past. I know about pain, Ivan, just as you do. And I know that worrying over pain won't change the past. Yes, I still worry over things that are in the past…but that doesn't mean _you_ should."


	21. Past

**Shadow updates the right story! What madness is this? xD Well, this is a pretty short chapter, as most of the following ones will be, as this story is starting to draw to a close. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-One: Past

Eduard woke up the next day to see Raivis Galante sitting next to his bed. His own mother was there too, and she was eyeing Raivis with what seemed to be a mixture of nervousness and pity. There were two men there, as well; a tall man with blond hair, and a smaller, long-haired brunet with nervous eyes.

"Hello, Raivis," he murmured, and the tiny boy literally leapt from his seat in fright.

"Eddy!"

Eduard bit his lip, barely managing not to scream in pain as Raivis hugged him. The younger boy's childlike enthusiasm was ever so slightly inconvenient and painful now.

"You're okay!" Raivis squeaked, hugging Eduard in a most enthusiastic manner. "I thought you were going to go to sleep and never wake up anymore, but you're okay!"

"Yes," Eduard murmured. "Um… Could you possibly get off, Raivis? You're hurting me a little."

The tiny boy backed away, wide violet eyes suddenly solemn, and Eduard lay back, sighing.

"It's not bad," he said. "I just…can't be hugged quite like that yet. Soon, though."

"Okay," Raivis said. "Hey, Eduard, do you know anything about marrying? Miss Natalya was telling me about marrying, but it's a little confusing. A lot of things are confusing me right now, but Mr. Toris and Mr. Ivan and Miss Natalya are all helping me out. Miss Natalya isn't here, but you'd probably like her, since she's very pretty."

"I'm sure she is," Eduard said. "Are you…are you doing all right, Raivis?"

The little boy screwed up his face, pondering the question.

"I'm a lot confused," he said. "Mr. Toris says Mommy was wrong about a lot of things, so I'm going to have to figure out all the things she told me that were wrong. But, you know what, Eddy? Mr. Toris says I'm not ugly! So maybe I'm not."

Raivis suddenly looked incredibly grave, and he blinked solemnly at Eduard.

"Do you think I'm ugly, Eddy?"

"No," Eduard said. "I think you're quite beautiful, and I think you should believe that you are."

"I'm going to try!" Raivis assured him. "It's just, you know, I've got to work at it. This outside stuff is more complicated than I thought."

As the little boy chattered on, the adults began to drift out of the room-Eduard's parents took their leave, saying that they were going home, and one of the policemen, the tall one, went outside to talk with Katya, the nurse. This left Eduard, Raivis, and the brunet policeman alone.

"This is Mr. Toris!" Raivis announced proudly, pointing at the brunet man. "I'm staying at his house right now. He gave me clothes and a bed and a bath and warm food and…and _everything_."

"Then he's a good man," Eduard said, smiling at Toris, who smiled back. As Raivis kept talking, Eduard watched the policeman, noticing that Toris seemed to be keeping a very close eye on Raivis.

 _"I wonder if someone will adopt Raivis. Someone_ has to _. How did it take me so long to notice him? Five years I've lived in that house…and I never noticed him until Perri tried to kill herself. So long…and all this time, he'd needed someone to rescue him. But at least he's been saved now. That's all that really matters. Dwelling on past regrets is what hurt me in the first place, and it was the shadow of the past that drove Perri to do what she did. The past is a curse that is best left forgotten."_

* * *

Ivan cast a glance back into the room as the door closed, and was satisfied to see that Toris was watching Raivis and Eduard with no small degree of attention.

 _"He will not follow us, and if he does not follow, he cannot interfere."_

"Will you walk with me, Katya?" he asked, turning to his sister, who nodded.

"I'm not really on duty right now. So, yes, I'll come with you."

He turned away, and she walked beside him in silence for a while, until they came to a hallway with huge glass windows looking out on the town below them. Ivan leaned on the windowsill, and when he spoke, it was softly, so that none of the passing nurses could overhear.

"Katya, how much do you remember about the time when I was ill?"

She hesitated, chewing on her bottom lip.

"I was hungry," she said. "You cried a lot, and it was hard to get you medicine."

"But you did get medicine," Ivan said, "although you never left that place where we were living. How did you do that, Katya?"

"I sent Natalya for it," Katya murmured, and she would not look at him as she uttered the words. "Natalya told me that since she loved you, she was glad to spend the money she earned on your medicine and food for all of us."

"But how did she earn the money?" Ivan asked. "She was thirteen years old, yes? Where does a thirteen year old girl find work…particularly _at night_?"

Katya still would not look at him.

"I don't know," she said, keeping her gaze locked onto her hands, which were shaking as she laid them on the windowsill. "I never asked her. She told me it was honest work, and I… We needed the money, Ivan. We would have died otherwise. I didn't dare ask her. I was afraid…afraid of what she might say."

"I know," Ivan said. "But Natalya will not tell me what it is that she did to save. And I am fearful that your fear - the fear that kept you from asking her what she was doing to earn that money - was not unfounded. Katya, what could she have been doing in the night? How do I get her to explain? I don't understand. If she would tell me what happened, wouldn't it explain a lot?"

He hesitated, staring out the window.

"Do you think all of this has something to do with how she feels about me?" he asked.

"Why are you even asking me?" Katya squeaked. "I don't know, Ivan, and you really ought to have worried about this sooner if you were planning to worry at all!"

Ivan drew in several very deep breaths.

"Be silent, Katya," he said. "Not all of us worry as quickly as you do. But at least I am acting on my worry."

Katya stepped back, away from the window, and Ivan turned to face her, continuing in what he hoped was a calmer manner.

"I am not saying that you did wrong," Ivan said. "I am merely saying that I wish to solve this mystery that is Natalya's past. I only wished to ask you before I went to her, in case you knew anything. But now, to Natalya I will go. Thank you for your help, Katya. Continue smiling, please, for your patients. You are not to blame."

He turned and walked away, wondering vaguely what it was that he and Katya were not to blame for.

 _"No… Perhaps I am to blame. I was the one who was sick back then. Had that not been the case…things would not be as they are."_

* * *

Raivis felt better, knowing that Eduard would be all right, but he was not sure what was going to happen next, and that scared him.

 _"I lived in that house, doing the same things, for my whole life. And…it's so scary now! I never know where we're going or what we will do once we're done going…"_

"Are you all right, Raivis?"

He opened his eyes, to see Toris standing in the doorway. Raivis himself was curled up under the blankets of his bed, and he thought Toris looked cold, standing out there all alone, even if he did have his fluffy, normal-person clothes on.

"What will happen next?" he asked. "I don't like this very much."

"What don't you like?" Toris asked, crossing the room to sit on his bed. Raivis thought that Toris had the kindest hands of anyone in the world, for these hands only stroked his hair, never pulled it or ripped it from his head.

"There is no doing the same thing," Raivis said. "I always would have to stay in my room before, but now there are so many different things to do. It scares me. I don't have as much thinking time anymore. I don't have time for imaginary-world anymore. It's really funny, because I thought I wouldn't need imaginary-world once I got outside. But now, imaginary-world is nice and quiet and not loud and…and…I know what will happen next in that world!"

Toris was quiet for a moment, his green eyes far away.

"Tell me about your imaginary world," he said. "Tell me, and I'll make it as real as I can."

"I play with my friends," Raivis said. "Or…lately, imaginary-world has been more like talking with my friends. We do normal children things in imaginary-world. Also, in that world, Mommy never hits me. She says she loves me and she makes chocolate chip muffins for breakfast."

He paused, fiddling with the tattered corner of the blanket.

"But in this real-life-world," he said, "we don't do those things. We don't do 'normal'. We go to bright places full of light and people in strange clothing. I like it best staying here, but I would like it better if Eddy was not in the bright hospital anymore. Then I wouldn't have to go there, but I could still see him."

He sighed, closing his eyes, still half-expecting someone to hit him for stating his wishes so plainly. But when he opened his eyes again, Toris was smiling at him.

"I can't make all of those things reality," Toris said. "I can't make your mother love you, Raivis, because I'm not sure she understands how to love. But I _can_ help you make friends, so you can do normal things with them. And as soon as Eduard is out of the hospital, we won't go there anymore. There will be some important things happening soon, though, and you'll have to go with me to them. And you'll need to tell everyone the truth about what your mother did to you, all right?"

"Will Mommy be there?" Raivis asked. "Will she hit me?"

"Your mother will probably be there," Toris said, "but I won't let her touch you. I promise, I'll keep you safe. And soon, if I can manage it and it's what you want, you can come live with me forever. Then I'd make sure you get to do everything that normal children do."

"I can live here forever?" Raivis whispered.

"If you want to," Toris said. "I'd be very happy if you stayed with me, Raivis."

"I want to stay," Raivis said, barely able to hear his own voice. "I want to stay forever."

Toris leaned over and wrapped his arms around Raivis.

"Then I'll make it happen," he said. "You have my word."

"What is 'my word'?" Raivis asked. "Why do I have it? I don't see it…"

"It's a promise. And I promise that I will take care of you."


	22. Perri, At Last

**People who forgot it was Saturday: Shadow. People who had a really short chapter to post today and STILL forgot to do it until Saturday had almost ended: also Shadow.**

 **Haha, I have no excuse. But even though this a short and late chapter, I hope you'll like it! :)**

* * *

Chapter Twenty-Two: Perri, At Last

A few days passed, and on every one of those days, Raivis came to visit Eduard. Eduard found himself longing for those visits, and he found that Raivis Galante, the invisible boy, was an incredibly interesting person, full of dreams and wishes and funny names for things.

And then, at last, one morning, Raivis came running in and said that they were going to see Perri.

"Toris got it all fixed!" he said. "We're going to see Perri, and it's going to be so wonderful! I'm very excited to meet her! I never met her before, you know!"

"I know," Eduard said, as Toris and Katya helped him into a wheelchair.

 _"I'm not sure I ever met the real Perri, either, until that last night. But now I know. I know who she is, and was, and I will try to get to know the real Perri better, if she'll let me. I hope she'll let me."_

Raivis pushed his wheelchair, and they took the elevator up several floors, with Toris following behind them. There were less people here, and Eduard wondered guiltily if this floor was where they took the suicidal ones.

Then they went into one of the rooms, and there was Perri, sitting up in bed, her arms swathed in thick bandages. And Eduard remembered the night he had found her, the night he had held her close and thought that she was dying, the night she had told him all her secrets. And he knew then that life was a fragile thing, and that they were very lucky to be alive, to have been able to see each other again.

"What the hell happened to you?" Perri snapped. "Idiot Eduard, what have you done?"

"I had a run-in with a knife," Eduard said dryly. "But don't worry. I'm not as stupid as you. I didn't get stabbed on purpose."

"I suppose I _am_ stupid." Perri chuckled. "But wasn't that a dramatic finale? Well…it was a bit anticlimactic, since it wasn't the finale… But if _had_ been the finale, it would have been dramatic."

"Don't ever do that again!"

The words burst from Eduard's mouth before he knew he was planning to utter them, and Perri flinched, looking both amused and slightly frightened.

"I don't plan to," she grumbled. "Now come here and tell me how you got stabbed. I want to hear all about your pathetic stupidity."

Raivis pushed Eduard over to Perri's bed, and it was only then, apparently, that Perri noticed the tiny boy.

"Eduard! Why didn't you tell me you had something _fluffy_?"

Eduard blinked.

"Fluffy? _Fluffy_? Did you just say _fluffy_?"

Perri looked away, which did absolutely nothing to conceal her blushing.

"Well, it _is_ fluffy," she mumbled. "Who is it?"

"I'm Raivis," the little boy contributed. "You're very beautiful, Perri."

"I'll explain later," Eduard said, as Perri stared at Raivis with a mixture of shock and utter confusion.

"No explanation needed," Perri said. She reached one bandaged arm over and pulled Raivis down onto her bed.

"I'm just gonna keep this," she said, and began petting Raivis' hair.

Eduard stared at her, mouth open in utter shock.

"I'm hallucinating," he said. "I swear to God that I am watching you pet someone's hair with a dreamy expression on your face."

"So soft…" was Perri's only comment.

"Are you seeing this?" Eduard asked Toris, who nodded, eyeing Perri with a mixture of nervousness and fascination.

"Is this a normal person's behavior?" Raivis asked. He had his eyes closed, and seemed to be enjoying having his hair stroked by a total stranger.

"Maybe for her," Eduard muttered, shaking his head. "I can never tell. Just when I think I know her, she does something totally insane…"

"That's my job," Perri said. "Now be quiet and let me enjoy myself for once."

Eduard watched as Perri petted Raivis' hair, still not completely certain that he was really seeing what he thought he saw. Finally, Perri released Raivis, who still remained sitting on the edge of her bed, smiling softly.

"So, where'd you get the fluffy?" Perri asked Eduard. "Also, what happened to you?"

So he told her all about Raivis and the psychopathic woman in the house next door, and all about how he had run to save Raivis and nearly died for it. Perri listened quietly, and it was only at the end, when Eduard stopped speaking, that she said anything at all, although her voice was tinged with anger and, perhaps, with worry.

"You're an idiot! You could have died! Did you ever think that you could have died? What have I told you? You're far too good to die, so don't you dare do something like that ever again! Idiot!"

Eduard smiled faintly.

"I'll only stop being stupid if you do the same," he murmured, and a flash of guilt crossed Perri's face.

"Yeah, about that. We need to talk. Alone."

Eduard glanced at Toris, who nodded and beckoned to Raivis.

"Come on. They need to be alone for a little while, but you can come back to see them later."

"Okay," Raivis said. Then, he turned and hugged Perri, who froze, eyes wide. And then, to Eduard's utter astonishment, she hugged him back.

"See you later, Perri," Raivis said.

"Yeah, bye," Perri said. "Make sure and come back."

"I will!" Raivis said, hopping off the bed to hug Eduard. "I'll be back really soon!"

And then he was gone, along with Toris and Katya, and Eduard and Perri were alone.

"Would you have done something stupid like you did if I hadn't tried to kill myself?" Perri asked.

"I don't know," Eduard said. "I wouldn't have met Raivis had you not done what you did, though. Of that I'm sure."

He paused, and then continued very quietly.

"I was trying to hang myself, and he saw me. He spoke to me. I think he saved me."

"Damn Eddy!" Perri snapped. "I spent a half hour on the phone with you telling you that I'm the only one here who's a worthless piece of shit, and you-!"

"But you're not," Eduard said. "You're not a bad person. You're lonely and hurt and you've been neglected. That doesn't make you evil or crazy or…anything besides wonderful. You are wonderful, Perri. I'm…I'm glad you lived."

"Yeah," Perri said. "I guess I'm glad I lived too. Although Alfred says I have to go to…one of those…mental help centers or whatever. It's going to be horrible."

"Maybe not," Eduard said, reaching over to grip Perri's shaking hands. "Maybe it will make you feel better."

"Maybe," Perri said. "But I won't be able to talk to you while I'm in there. You and that cute kid - Raivis - will be on your own until I get back."

"I'm sure we'll survive," Eduard said. "But…will you be okay alone?"

"I think so," Perri said. "Maybe I'll make some new friends. Crazy friends, you know? Crazy people are great."

"You're not crazy, Perri."

"You're probably the first person to ever say that." Perri looked down at her bandaged wrists, and when she spoke again, her voice was very soft, almost inaudible.

"Alfred apologized. He apologized for all of it, and he says he's going to be a better brother from now on. I…I don't know if I believe him. It seems too good to be true."

"He was crying," Eduard said. "When we were waiting for the ambulance, Alfred cried for you."

"Did he?" Perri asked. "Huh. I didn't think he was capable of it…but he cried when I woke up, too. Grabbed my hands, just like you're doing, and said he was sorry, that he'd try harder. But…Ed, I don't think I _can_ believe him. I need proof first."

"Then let him prove it to you," Eduard said. "Live, Perri. Please promise me you're going to live."

"Oh, I'll live," Perri said. "But it's not for Alfred. It's for you. For you and…and maybe for that little kid. He's adorable. I think…I think I want to be friends with him."

She looked up at him, and he had never seen her face so unsure, never heard her voice so hesitant.

"And…Ed? Can I still be your friend? Even after everything?"

He gripped her hands, tenderly so as not to hurt her, but tight and firm, so that she would know he was never going to let go of her.

"Yes. I've been stupid too, Perri. You were right to call me pathetic. But I'm going to try harder now. Let's start over, Perri - together."

"With the addition of the third musketeer, our dear adorable Raivis," Perri added. "The contract for my continued existence has a heavy emphasis on me getting to see that kid a lot."

"Me?" Raivis stuck his head in the door. "Can I come back in now and get my hair petted again?"

Eduard smiled.

"Yes, Raivis. You can always come back in, whenever you want."

"If he barges in while I'm changing, I'm going to _kill_ you," Perri said.

And then they laughed, Eduard and Perri because it was frankly quite a funny joke, and Raivis because his friends were happy. And as they laughed, Eduard felt that perhaps they were already on their way to healing.

* * *

 **Well, it probably doesn't surprise you to hear this, but _Invisible_ is almost over. There will be one more chapter and an epilogue following this. I've also written two 'extra' chapters, which I may or may not post after the official story is over. (They're awful and I only wrote them so that I could win NaNoWriMo.) After _Invisible_ ends, I'll probably resume updating _Written in Blood_ weekly, although I'm not certain that I will do that yet. _Blink_ , which I am cowriting with Hinotorihime, will probably continue to update every two weeks, on Mondays, unless Hinotorihime and I decide to change that at some point. (Also, please check _Blink_ out if you haven't - it's a Wingtalia AU with lots of kidnapping and torture and magic and world-building and...stuff!)**

 **So, until next time, Shadow out!**


	23. Beautiful

Chapter Twenty-Three: Beautiful

Ivan finally managed to get Natalya alone as Toris was tucking Raivis into bed. Ivan knew well that the brunet policeman would be occupied for a while in attempting to calm Raivis, who was utterly ecstatic that he had finally managed to meet Perri Jones, whoeve _r she_ might be.

Natalya was sitting alone in Toris' living room, and she looked up as Ivan came in, dark eyes holding just a slight tint of half-mad hope.

 _"How long has she been looking at me with such eyes?"_

"Natalya," he said, going to kneel in front of the chair she was sitting in. "I need to understand. Will you tell me?"

"No."

"Little sister," Ivan took a deep breath. "I want to understand. Please tell me what happened. I do not understand, and… I think that this might help me understand you better. There is much I do not know about you, Natalya… I would like to be able to know you better. Would that be all right?"

"You will hate me," Natalya said. "Or, more likely, you will hate yourself. You have a soft heart, brother, and I do not-"

"But I do," Ivan said. "Do you think that I became a police officer so that I could be shielded from bad things? I became what I am to shield others from pain, Natalya, but I cannot help you if I do not understand."

"What do you think I was doing?" Natalya asked, and Ivan had never known that her voice could be so proud and yet so agonized at the same time. "What do you think I was doing, Ivan? It was dark when I went out and it was light when I returned, and sometimes there was a great deal of money, and sometimes there was none. What do you think I was doing?"

"I do not know!" Ivan wailed. "Natalya, you are so much of the confusing… Why?"

He thought he knew; he had thought he'd known ever since his talk with Katya, but he did not want to guess and be wrong, and he also did not want to face the thought of his horrid suspicions being the truth.

"I don't _want_ you to know," Natalya said. "I don't want you to look at me with any more disdain than you already show me. I j-just want you to…"

"To love you," Ivan said. "But I cannot do that if I do not understand why you feel this way toward me, little sister."

She was sitting on the edge of her chair, as if poised to run, and he took her hands and pulled her gently onto the floor, where he held her in his arms. And she let him do it, which almost surprised him now. He had not thought that she would let him hold her after he had so deeply upset her.

"I didn't want to sleep with you," Natalya said, her voice muffled by Ivan's scarf. "I never wanted to sleep with anyone at all in the beginning, I don't think I want to sleep with you now, but I don't know… It's all changed up in my mind… I had to…to pretend…that those people were you…you were the only person that I was sure I loved… It's all messed up in my head…"

He suddenly he did not want to understand any longer, even if it meant solving the mystery that was his younger sister, and he almost shoved her away, almost ran away to try and pretend that he did not know what she was talking about. But she was sobbing, and Natalya was the type of person who simply did not cry. So he held her tighter, determining that he would hear the truth and not let go of her.

"Natalya, why?"

"What else could I have done?" Natalya whispered. "Apparently I'm pretty enough. And no one was going to hire a thirteen year old for anything respectable…"

"Does anyone else know?"

"Probably the people I slept with, but I hardly think _they'll_ tell anyone," Natalya muttered. "Don't tell Katya. She'll be angry with herself, and also with me, and I…I don't want anyone angry with me."

She paused, leaning into him, and he tightened his arms around her, suddenly afraid that the cold, odd Natalya he had thought he knew would slip away completely and never return.

"But you are angry, aren't you?"

"No," Ivan said. "Not with you. I am angry with Katya and with myself. But you did not have a choice. You are right. No one would have hired you for anything respectable."

"Katya thought we were all going to die," Natalya said. "She lost all her hope, you know. She just sat there, saying that when your medicine ran out, all three of us were going to die. You never said anything at all."

"I was very sick," Ivan said. "For which I am sorry. It was not my intention to-"

"As if you could help being sick," Natalya grumbled. "Really, Ivan, this is why I tell you nothing."

She sighed, and in that sigh Ivan heard a great deal of pain and longing.

 _"But what does she long for? That, I still do not understand."_

"Katya said we would die," Natalya said. "And I said no. I said I would save us, and I did. I saved us, and the method I used doesn't change what I did, d-does it? It doesn't change the fact that I s-saved you?"

"No, little one," Ivan said, stroking her hair.

"I p-pretended they were you," Natalya said. "I didn't want to do it in the beginning. I wanted to run away from those people who were so much bigger and stronger, those people who wanted something from me, and…and I couldn't. Because you and Katya would _die_ if I didn't do those things."

Her voice kept getting softer, and Ivan kept tightening his hold as her voice faded, terrified that Natalya herself would begin to fade along with her voice.

"I was angry with Katya," she said. "And it would not have worked to pretend they were Katya even if I had not been angry. They were too tall and they were men. But you… I was not angry with you. And you were usually around the right size, even then. So I pretended that they were you, and then when we got help and I did not have to do it anymore… I was used to it at that time. I still wanted it. I wanted _you_."

"And so you have been trying to make me love you," Ivan whispered. "Natalya… Little sister, you _should have told me_."

"Why are you not running away?" Natalya snapped. "Why do you not feel repulsed any longer as you did before? Do you not find me even more repulsive than before?"

" _No_. I do not find you at all repulsive. I understand now. I'm v-very sorry… I d-didn't mean to get sick and have this happen, I…"

He started to cry, and, faintly, over the sound of his own tears, he heard Natalya sigh.

"Which of us is a woman? Aren't I supposed to be the one crying?"

"I will cry for both of us," Ivan whimpered. "I'm s-so sorry…"

"Why are you sorry? You did not ask to get sick."

"But I did not ask you why you were acting as you do. And for that, I am sorry."

"You asked me today," Natalya said. "You have been asking me for some time now. And I am rather glad of that. I did not want you to know…b-but…it feels good! It feels good not having to keep all of my secrets alone!"

"Never bear your secrets alone anymore, little sister," Ivan whispered. "Never again. I am here now."

He had never thought that he would see her cry, but as she did, he held onto her and thought that the Natalya he now knew, while broken and imperfect, was a far more beautiful Natalya than the one he had thought he knew before.

* * *

They met in Perri's room one last time the day that Eduard was to go home from the hospital. Perri was bound for the psychiatric hospital, although they did not know exactly when she was going to go.

"Al knows, but he won't tell me," she said. "But it'll be soon. I should be out after awhile - a few months, maybe? I don't know, but I'll call you two as soon as I get out of the damn hospital."

"Will you be okay in the 'damn hospital'?" Raivis asked.

"Yeah, fine," Perri said. "And for God's sake, don't say 'damn'. You're a baby, and it sounds wrong when somebody as tiny as you swears."

"What is 'swear'?"

"Oh, never mind," Perri grumbled. "If you don't know what a it is, you probably won't do it."

Eduard noticed her hands shaking, and he gripped one of them, beckoning Raivis to join hands with Perri, and then with him.

"Look," he said. "We're all going to be okay. Good things are happening to us, right?"

"Right!" Raivis contributed happily. "Me and Mr. Toris are going to go to a place called 'court', where I have to tell big men things about Mommy! And after we are done with all the court business, Mr. Toris is going to try to adopt me. Also, Mr. Toris is going on something called a date with Mr. Braginsky, and Miss Natalya is going to watch me and teach me how to make cookies!"

"Is this a pathetic version of elementary school type sharing time?" Perri asked, as Eduard and Raivis turned expectantly toward her. "Okay. Well… I'm not dead. Alfred's going to try to be a better older brother, and I'm going to go to this hospital place that's supposedly going to fix me. We'll see about that, but I guess it's worth a try."

She fell silent, and then she and Raivis were looking at Eduard. And he found that all of the good things he felt could be summed up in one sentence.

"I'm not alone anymore."

He smiled at his friends, and then, unexpectedly, he realized that Raivis was crying.

"Raivis… Raivis, what's wrong?"

The little boy's head was bowed, and his tiny body shook with sobs as he gripped his friends' hands.

"Imaginary-world is getting be real!" he said between sobs. "I get to be outside! A-and I get to talk to both of you, Eddy and Perri. I get to be your friend. And everyone says I'm beautiful… And Mr. Toris isn't Mommy, but he _loves_ me, so it's almost like having all of imaginary-world be real."

Raivis lifted his head, smiling through his tears.

"The lives of normal children really are beautiful, aren't they?"

"Yes," Eduard murmured. "They are."

 _"The lives of humans are full of pain, hardship, and suffering. But then, at the end of all the pain, there is this. A sense of belonging, of peace, of friendship…of love. We humans live such fragile lives, filled with pain… But at the end of the pain, there is beauty. Raivis is right. Our lives, although somewhat broken and tainted by pain, are beautiful."_

 _-"Invisible", End-_

* * *

 **Well, I'd said that I was going to add an epilogue to this, but after revising this chapter, I think it's better left as it is. The story is complete, and adding an epilogue would only drag things out further, and rehash information that you already know. I may eventually write a few short stories set after the end of this, but, for now, _Invisible_ is complete. Thank you all for your reviews, follows, favorites, and all of your other feedback! This is the first time I've tried to write this type of story, and I really appreciate your encouragement. **

**Usually when I write these ending A/Ns it turns into ten paragraphs of me thanking all of you over and over, so let me just say, again, thank you! Writing this story has been an adventure for me, and I hope you've all enjoyed it.**

 **As far as my update schedule goes, I'll most likely resume updating _Written in Blood_ weekly, in order to finish it before a certain date, which is important to me for somewhat personal reasons. I'll also talk to Hinotorihime about _Blink_ , and will notify you what the schedule will be at my next update on one of those stories.**

 **I have just noticed that this update comes a day before the one year anniversary of the day I finished _Web of Delusions_. That is ever so slightly disturbing, but I also think it's kind of cool!**

 **I'm going to be quiet now.**

 **Thank you all.**

 **~Shadows in the Light of Day**


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